The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

One day...a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country

so he could have his son see how poor country people were..... They

stayed one day and one night in the farm house of a very humble

farm.

At the end of the trip and back home, the father asked the son: What

did you think of the trip?

The son replied: Very nice Dad

Father: Did you notice how poor they were?

Son: Yes

Father: What did you learn?

Son: I learned that we have one dog in the house...and they have

four. I learned that we have a fountain in the garden and they have

a stream that has no end. I learned that we have imported lamps in

the garden; they have the stars. I learned that our garden goes to

the edge of our property, they have the entire horizon as their back

yard.

At the end of the son's reply the father was speechless. His son

added: "Thank you dad for showing me how poor we really are."

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible

storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind, and lightening.

The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to

crash and they are all going to die.

At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I

can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an

animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die

feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me

feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a handsome, tall, muscular

man smiles and starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She sees his huge

muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front

of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a

woman before you die. Are you interested?"

She eagerly nods her head "yes!"

As the man hands her his shirt, he says,

"Here. Iron this."

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about

something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the

time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was

calling on them one at a time.

Eventually little Johnny's turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the

front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white

dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his

report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a

period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said

she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and

the man next door shot himself."

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the

window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the

astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have

misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account

right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in

this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank

manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the

manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50

million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking

account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard

time?"

Astrology Light Bulb Jokes



How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?

Only One, but it takes a heck of a lot of light bulbs.

Just the one. You want to make something of it, eh?

None: Arians aren't afraid of the dark.

How many Taurus does it take to change a light bulb?

What, me move?

None: Taureans don't like to change anything.

One, but just try to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

How many Gemini does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. Plus a portable phone, an Internet link and a copy of "Changing Lightbulbs for Dummies."

Two, but it will take all week and when they're done the light bulb will do your homework, speak French and shine any colour you want from it.

Two, but the job never gets done, they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

How many Cancer does it take to change a light bulb?

Only One, but has to bring his mother.

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

None: A Cancerian would worry herself to death with the problem.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?

A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

One: He holds the bulb, and the world spins around him.

None: A Leo would order somebody else to change it.

None: Leos are so enthusiastic they carry their own light.

How many Virgos does ti take to change a light bulb?

One to clean out the socket, One to dust the bulb, One to install, and two engineers to check the work.

Virgos don't have time to change their own lightbulbs. They're too busy changing them for everyone else.

One to spot the bulb, one to record the time the bulb burned out and the date it was bought, one to decide who's fault it is the bulb burned out and ask why that brand was chosen in the first place, ten to decide to remodel the house as long as they're changing the bulb ...

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?

Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

Er, two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts, make that two.

Is that okay with you?

Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?

Well gee, I don't know really. I guess it depends on the bulb and where it burned out. It might perhaps take just one if it's just an ordinary bulb, but maybe two if the person doesn't know where to find a new light bulb, or perhaps ...

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They LIKE the dark.

So who wants to know? Why do *you* want to know? Are you a cop?

That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?

One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?

A whole bunch: I can only keep them in the room long enough for them to give the bulb a quarter turn apiece.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?

The light's fine as it is.

None. Capricorns can't afford new lightbulbs... unless they're a legitimate business expense.

I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

None. Why should I bother? It's probably just going to burn out again tomorrow anyway.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?

Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

Well, you have to remember that everything is energy so...

A hundred, but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.

Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?

What light bulb?

Huh? The light's out?

None. Only the inner light matters.