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So, this borderline, it's this extreme? He's been left untreated so long it's turned into this? How could I not have known? This is my fiancee, and I knew he was ill, but never would have I imagined it was this ill. Either that or I wouldn't let myself imagine this.



And now I'm being told that his life is in my hands. That's how scary co-dependent he is. Whether he lives or dies, or does something crazy is directly correlated to me. I am a child. I am 18 years old. Why the hell would this responsibility fall upon me?



I know my purpose in life is to help people with mental illness. I decided that years ago. But, I never would have expected to start with my fiancee at the age of 18. I haven't even started becoming a psychologist yet, school doesn't start for another month.



Last night I realized something. This moment I have two options. And they will change mine and his life forever. I can leave. He's still in the hospital, maybe they could help him. Or I can make a sacrifice. I can stay and do everything in my power to save him. And I didn't even have to think about it.



I want to spend my life with this man. I love him. This is just a minor setback. If we have our whole lives together, why the hell does it matter that for a year or so I'm going to have to give everything I can for him? And even if I didn't want to spend my life with him, even if I had changed my mind, I could never just walk away.



My choice is to save him. But, I wonder, how am I going to remain okay through this? Better yet, how can I hide what this is doing to me? The weight loss from not being able to eat from this stress is showing. I couldn't even finish a bag of cheez-it's when I had the munchies. And my sleep is basically non-existent, even with melatonin and weed.



I know in my heart that I have to do this, but am I strong enough? I have to be. Because this is my purpose. I believe in destiny. I was damn near close to gay, most guys were pretty gross to me sexually. But, there was something in him that not only made me sexually attracted to him (Ginger), something in his personality made me want a relationship. Probably because he's a good man.



I love you, Gabriel. And I'll help you with everything I have. . .