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Yesterday was my first day of work. It went well. I learned a lot. I really do not like working till though. It is intimidating for me. All those buttons make things confusing.

I am feeling absolutely crushed right now. Just got a call from a family member letting us know that a family member unexpectedly died today. I am so heartbroken for the wife he left behind. He was the first man to treat her the way she deserved. I dont know how she is going to handle this loss, but we are going to be there for her and the rest of the family. I shed so many tears for her..

My soul, it aches. I am so stressed and scared I can slowly feel myself crumble. Every time I see hope at the end of the tunnel, it disappears or is crushed. Life can be cruel and unfair. I dont know when I will be able to find a job. I dont know if I will make rent in the next couple months. I dont know if I will have food on the table. I dont know if I will be able to feed my beloved cats.

I feel so alone...

I am in a pretty good mood this morning. I am going for coffee today with a friend I haven't seen in 3 months. I have really missed her, it will be nice to catch up in person. I am excited to see her little one. He has probably grown so much since the last time I've seen him.

I am still feeling a bit sexually frustrated. Maybe something will happen in the next couple days. A girl can hope, can't she? We will see. I may cave in like always and initiate sex myself. If I wait on my boyfriend, it will probably never happen. He has probably been watching porn to keep himself satisfied. So frustrating and aggravating.

Audrey is passed out beside me in her bed. She looks so peaceful and happy. I wish I could sleep as good as she does. I always have nightmares or don't get a restful sleep. I always wake up tired.

I decided to change my profile here on Vampire rave. It didn't turn out as good as I had hoped. I really suck at coding and all that stuff. I just edit photos in photobucket and copy and paste them in. I need to learn how to code so I can have a more impressive profile page. Maybe one day...

Last night a spirit of ill intent some how made its way into my home. I conversed with it and told it to leave as it is not welcome. Today I smudged my home and did a couple protection spells. The spirit is gone for good. I dont know what lured it into my home. I havent had any spirits make themself known here in a very long time, just found it odd.

Oh well, I solved the problem and all is well now.

Today is my boyfriends bday. I made him an awesome card, bought him these awesome Walking Dead glasses and made him breakfast. So far it has been a pretty good day. Boyfriend is playing video games, Audrey is sleeping and I've been on my laptop.

I wanted to go out and be social today, but no one wanted to hang out. I want to branch out and meet new people, but I have no idea how to go about that. I am finding it quite difficult to make friends now that I am a mother and do not get out much. My life has changed in so many ways, good ways and some bad ways.

I am trying to start writing again, but it is still proving difficult. I just cant get the ideas to flow from my mind to the paper. I need to do some writing exercises I think to get my mind flowing again. I used to find it so easy to write, I will get back to that point!

I am doing pretty good not smoking and only using my vape. I am going to be successful in quitting smoking this time, I can feel it in my bones! I feel so much better now that I am only using the vape. Today is day three of not smoking. The first day was really difficult, but every day is better. I am no longer having cravings and I no longer have a head ache.

I've been obsessed with the TV show Ghost Adventures. I really like it. It is one of the few Ghost shows that isn't ridiculously cheesy and obviously fake. This one actually seems legit. They know what they are doing and know what they are talking about. It is quite impressive.

I am really looking forward to Halloween. It will be Audrey's first. She is going to be a butterfly. We are going to take her trick or treating to a few houses. I am looking forward to handing out treats to the kids, that has always been my favorite part.

I sat out on the balcony this morning, watching the birds. I got a few good pictures of a woodpecker. It was such a beautiful bird. They are so colorful and amazing. I love birds a lot, I wish my boyfriend would let me have one. My boyfriend and I have very different tastes when it comes to animals and pets. I would love to have a pet tarantula, but he is terrified of spiders. Maybe one day he will let me get a snake at least.

Today I am feeling a bit better, my head ache is finally gone. I am still feeling a tad irritable but that will pass in time. Using a vape instead of smoking cigarettes fucking sucks, but it will benefit me in the long run.

Tonight we are going to a comedy show, which should be a lot of fun. Tomorrow is my boyfriends birthday. He will be 28 years old. Crazy how time flys.

I need to learn to stop comparing myself to others. I need to start being happy with who I am and with the life I have. I have everything anyone could ever want or need. I have a family of my own who loves me and cares about me. I have a home and food in my fridge. I have access to the internet, I have a laptop and a cellphone that all work.

I have everything the world has to offer and more!

COMMENTS

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cadrewolf
20:28 Oct 22 2015

Only you can defeat you, find pleasure in yourself and the worth will come to be.

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My boyfriend has finally decided what he would like me to do as a sexual favor like I had asked. Tomorrow night is when he said he will tell me what he has decided on. I am really looking forward to this! It had been a week and 4 days since the last time I have had sex and I am really needing some physical intimacy right now. I have been aching for this the whole week and 4 days.

I really wish my boyfriends sex drive was as high as mine. We would have so much fun if it was higher. There are so many things I want to try. I like experimenting when it comes to sex, not so much my boyfriend though.

I asked my boyfriend if he received my text yesterday about wanting him to initiate. He said he received it and is just thinking of what he wants me to do. I am curious to see what he comes up with. I will try my best to be patient. I am not known for my patience though. I like things to happen right away or when I am wanting them to happen. This is not a good quality and I really need to work on it. It may never be something I master fully, but I am slowly getting better and better.

Last night I sent my boyfriend a message encouraging him to initiate intimacy. I hope he takes this offer and that it makes him feel more comfortable with initiating and not so shy and hesitant. I really want him to feel comfortable coming to me when he is in the mood for sex. There isn't much more I can do than extend the offer.



I have started writing again. So far I have written a few paragraphs. I am so rusty. I am not sure what words to use, I used to find it so easy to piece things together.

I will get better with practice. Practice makes perfect!



Logging into the mentorship this morning was a bit shocking. A fellow student posted that they are wanting to kill and hurt themselves. I messaged them telling them to talk to me and tell me why they are wanting to do this. I really hope it was an empty threat. I do not want to have lost someone to suicide. It is a horrible thing for someone to do when they are in pain. Life is too valuable to just end it. We all experience pain and there is help for those who are having difficulty handling it. My boyfriend lost his mother to suicide. Although that happened years ago I can see the pain in his eyes still when he thinks about her and how he misses her. Suicide may end your pain, but it causes all your loved ones huge amounts of pain and unhappiness.



Suicide is never the answer.

Having to get food from the food bank tomorrow. I never thought Id have to use the food bank in my life time, but things are tough right now in my city. The economy is going down hill real fast.

I am not feeling as stressed or anxious about our situation anymore, which is really nice. I hated feeling like that.

Ive been waiting for my boyfriend to initiate intimacy for a week now, and nothing has happened. Do you know how frustrating this is to have a boyfriend who refuses to let you know when he wants to have sex?! I feel like if I do not initiate it I will be waiting until I am old and grey by the time he gets up the courage. He claims he is too afraid to initiate sex. I understand this, as I find it hard to initiate sex but if I dont it never ever happens. He needs to suck it up and push passed this fear of his. I do not know why he is so scare, I am not going to push him away and say not like he has to me so many damn times.

I dont know what I am going to do with myself...

Yesterday life proved how unfair it likes to be. My partner lost his job unexpectedly, which has left us stressed and scrambling. Yesterday I handed out a bunch more resumes and now I am waiting to hear back from them. I was supposed to hear back from one store, but that never happened. Hopefully tomorrow they will give me a call as promised.

My partner was lucky enough to land a job interview for next week. We are really hoping that he gets this job. I will be surprised if he doesn't get hired. He has a lot of experience in his field.

Audrey has been good today. She has been sleeping lots and eating a good amount. She is currently passed out in her bed beside me. She is so adorable. I cannot help but smile and feel great love toward her. She is my princess.

Well, in two weeks we are having to put down my beloved dog Koda. I will miss him so much. I have had him for so many years. Koda has been a great dog and a great friend to me for so many years. There will be a gap in my heart when he passes away. I will miss walking with him in the field, I will miss cuddling with him, I will miss when he would comfort me when I was depressed or angry.

Koda was the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for in a time of sadness and hardship. It is now his time to move on though. It would be unfair of me to make him stay and be in huge amounts of pain.

I love you koda monster..

Today has been a good day. My mother and I went to the mall to buy birthday presents for some family members. My sister is turning 18 and my boyfriend is turning 28 this month. I cant believe how much older everyone in my life is getting. Feels like yesterday I was 10 years old playing outside with the neighborhood children. Now I have a 3 month old and in a long term relationship with the man I love and trust. Oh how things have changed over the years. I am all grown up now. I am an adult. I cannot believe that I am an adult now.

I am looking forward to giving them their presents I bought them today. Luckily only had to go to one store to find what I wanted to purchase them. I am so glad I didn't have to roam the whole mall. I hate being around people for long periods of time. Plus there are a lot of annoying kiosks that always try to get you to come and talk to them within the mall. Trick is to not make eye contact with them and walk passed them really fast.

A week or so ago now I discovered this Vampirism Forum. They have quite a different belief about vampirism. I have never heard of their beliefs before. It makes me question what I have been taught about vampirism over the past 7 years of being in the vampire community. I don't really know what to believe anymore. I am questioning everything I am and everything I knew to be true. I wish the answer were simple and straight forward, but it really isn't.

I am feeling inspired to share my artwork and photography with the world again. For a while there I didnt want to share anything because I was feeling self conscious about my artwork and photos. I am feeling inspired to create art and take pictures again. SO I have decided to revive my Facebook page and to start posting again.



Please check out my Facebook page!

https://www.facebook.com/Heavensridgephotography

I am feeling very agitated and unhappy right now. I am feeling self conscious and unsure of myself. I hate the shitty tattoos I have on my upper arm, they are poorly done. I just want to scratch them out of my skin. I told this to my boyfriend and he simply ignored me. This makes me feel ignored and as if he doesn't care at all.

I dont want to be here right now. I dont want to be anywhere. I simply want to disappear off the face of the earth and to never be seen or heard from again. I just want to scream and fight and be dramatic to get my point and feelings across. I am tired of feeling ignored and that I am being set on the back burner. I am tired of my boyfriend coming home and going straight to his video games or turning on a movie instead of spending some time with Audrey and I with out anything going on in the back ground. I am tired of being tired! I want some silence for once!

Well, today was a pretty good day. Tomorrow will be a good days as well. I need to keep up the positive attitude. I am the only one who can determine if my day was good or bad, no one else!

My boyfriend and I were intimate tonight. It was amazing as it always is when we are intimate. I fed so much off of him. Feels like my body is vibrating. Sex is a powerful thing that is for sure.

Baby Audrey is fast asleep beside me. She looks so peaceful and happy. I hope she is dreaming of happy things. She is my little angel. I do not know what I would do without Audrey. I think I would still be the mess of a person like I was a year ago. Id probably still be addicted to pain pills and alcohol. I was such a train wreck. Now I am off the pills and barely drink alcohol anymore. I am so very proud of myself and my accomplishments. I am still working on the eating disorder, but that will come in time. I am only human.

Just came back from going on a short walk with Audrey. I took a couple pictures of the cemetery that I live right beside. I love the way everything looks in fall. The beautiful colored leaves and the cold weather.

I am feeling icky today. I thought going on a walk to make me feel much better, but not really. Now I am just sitting on the couch while Audrey watches some TV.

I am so bored right now. I don't know what to do to keep myself busy. Feels like I have no hobbies that interest me anymore. I am jealous of my boyfriend, he is so easily entertained by video games. He can play for hours without ever getting bored. I wish I had a hobby that could keep me entertained like that.

Tomorrow is my job interview at Petland. I am looking forward to this interview. I really hope that I am hired there. I have always wanted to work at Petland since I can remember.

Today was a bit rough. I didn't have any cigarettes until 2 pm so I was experiencing some unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. My irritation and poor mood cause my boyfriend to become annoyed with me. Which hurt my feelings a bit. I wish he would be a little more understanding with me. I was not irritable towards him and I didn't take my irritability out on him at all. I don't understand him some days.

I am feeling a tad sexually frustrated tonight. I wanted to be intimate with my boyfriend but he was not in the mood at all. So we watched The Walking Dead and ate poutine. It was an alright time. Just wish we took advantage of the time we had alone together and were intimate. I am craving it badly right now.

I had a good day today. I had a friend over during the day and this evening my dad came over to visit. It is storming outside. I love the sound of the wind through the trees. It is supposed to snow tomorrow. I am looking forward to the cold weather.

I am super excited for Halloween. Audrey is going to be a butterfly for Halloween. I dont know if I will dress up or not yet. Tomorrow I am going to start watching horror movies to get in the mood for Halloween. I am so excited that it is October, it is one of my favorite months of the year.

December is my most favorite month of the year for sure. I will be turning 21 this year. I cannot believe how the years are flying by. Seems like yesterday I was 10 years old, playing in the backyard with no responsibilities and no worries. Those were the days..