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i dont speak often of what got me to where i am now but some times i feel if i tell the tale perhaps someone else will be saved.



As children we are warned about predators and what to expect, but what we get is the exact opposite. the person who can and will hurt you is not the stranger...



more often than not it is someone you know , for me it was my fathers boss at 8yrs old. no one knows how to communicate that no one knows what to say. but dont be like me if your a minor reading this, dont be quiet... what ever threats they make, whatever they tell you as to why to keep your mouth shut dont listen TELL SOMEONE YOU TRUST.



But we get older, we grow up, predators are things of child hood .... right? no its not. the predators just step up their game the stories more elaborate, they lull you with "love" and keep you complacent with any means they deem they need. and we stay...



we stay because our inner self talk has turned against us, the lies we are fed become part of our self talk, "no one will want me anymore" ... "i deserve this".... "i made this choice now i have to live with it".... and we do for sake of marriage, sake of our children, sake of our families.... but all we do is hurt ourselves more.



My second long term relationship right after a messy divorce, was my "i guess i deserve this" i wore a collar that needed bolt cutters to take off, "yes Master" was not a line in 50 shades of grey it was my life. and oh he told me he loved me, he couldnt live without me, he promised the moon and back and i believed him. ever stupid lie ... i believed... i left for 38 hours... ended back in his arms, ... rinse and repeat... the fights were worse the battles were worse, the blackmail was worse... i left again for 4 days.... rinse repeat i was back again, more lies, more pain, more hurt.... a constant battle to fight tears and make up excuses as to why i came back why i stayed... "he loved me, and I WAS the horrible person not him"... I left third time cut contact, changed my email, changed my number, blocked him on social media.... he still found away to get in touch... 6 weeks and i caved on mothers day.... relegated to a toddler bed with promises of i'll do better and love, and it has all changed...



i have news for the adults... who may be going through this... it doesnt change. i moved 1549miles away from EVERYTHING i knew, EVERYONE i loved, changed my email, my phone number, made new social media pages and blocked him.



he still pops up. and i still block him. I have had him put in jail and he has been released... but 1549 miles away i'm safe.



dont wait four years to get free, and if its been longer stop waiting... for all the pain i have went through and everything and person i have had to go so far from. i would not wish this on my worst enemy



please dont make my mistakes

I was not allowed to read Fifty Shades of Grey in my previous relationship, i was always told, it was trash, it was an abusive tale. So i caved, now free i felt the pull to read the first book.

So i stayed up till 5:30 am and read the whole book. Half horrified, half horribly intrigued, and 100% feeling like i was looking into something i used to live.



why didnt you tell me there was danger? Why didn't you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novel that tell them of these tricks... (fifty shades of Grey page 54)



I dont remember being warned or warning another person just how wrong things can become. in EL James novel the manipulation back and forth, neither were blameless, but i fear opening the next book and see Ana return to Mr. Grey. it would only be fitting it seems, such is the way of many addictions, once the darkness takes finding light is like stumbling around in complete darkness to get dressed, it does not happen very well.



i could hold you to some high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d'Urberville* (Fifty shades of Grey Page 95)

The kicker here, was the lack of choice, where Ana said debasement, others lacked in such a statement. But familiar to Mr. Grey my ears rung remembering " i was conditioned to be this way, its all i know" foolish as Ana was i to take the step and hope and beg "for something more" a horrible cycle on repeat where black and white had held no quarter, but blended in odd shades of grey.



I would not call Ana a victim, shes asked and accepted and in her own way manipulated the situation as best she could hoping for her outcome of "something more". Was she right? in a popular childrens movie some one said " dont try to change him, because people dont really change" i feel like Ana fought for something that could not be and perhaps should have headed all the warning bells she shall and felt. so that maybe at the end of the book she would not be in sitting in an apartment crying alone.



But Mr. Grey oh so telling to us toward the end of the book with "Because I'm fifty shades of fucked-up, Anastasia” { i threw the poor paperback book at this point, then picked it back up and found my spot and kept reading} again i know these words worded differently but still so much alike. I dont feel Mr. Grey wanted to truly change for Ana, he gave her tiny things that made her "special" but never what she craved, never what she wanted. Mr. Grey seemed to tap dance about the harder hitting things, its a familiar taste in my memory.



But both Ana and Mr. Grey had this uncanny way of when shit got hard, they fell into sex. Well sex is all well and good but both never solved their problems then used sex "like a weapon" and like a bandaid.



The story carried to much likeness of something in my past to make me pleased and gave me a few restless nights hearing echos of the book fly around in my mind.



All at once I find myself sorry for my doings, but even more so glad not to be around to countinue doing them.



As for Mr. Grey i cant say.

COMMENTS

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Lordpeace
19:07 Nov 22 2014

laughs softly, it has to be taken with a grain of salt; since the author has no real experience and is a poor writer. my darling read it and was quite disappointed and couldn't finish the second book. a year later she has picked it back up to read and has asked me for the third book. they are novels they tell a story, how much truth is in it is for us to find out. having lived and thrived in BDSM for quite a few years i found it...amusing, but enjoy my dear.

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