The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

My Living Will





Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'



They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.



They are such assholes!!.

Animals

A counting game...

How many animals can you get in a pair of panty hose? 2 calves. An ass. A beaver. A whole bunch of hares and a fish nobody can find.

Funny Ex Story

This is a dirty joke that could happen to you!

A man and girl were doing a 69



He looks to her and says, "you likea da way my d*ck taste?"



She replied, "yes"



She said, "you likea da my my couchie tastes"



He said, "yeah crabs are my favorite food"

Man Takes Duck To Movies

A man took his pet duck to the movie theatre. He was worried about not getting admitted if someone saw the duck, so to hide the duck he stuck it inside his pants. After awhile (inside the movie theatre) the duck began to get uncomfortable, so the man opened his zipper so the duck could stick his head out. That was alot better. There were two women sitting next to him in the theatre. One woman said to the other one, "Muriel, that man has his "thing" out". Muriel said, So what you’ve seen one before. "Yes", replied her friend, "but this one is eating my popcorn!"

Why don’t women need a drivers license?..... Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bed room.

I Don’t Want To, Maybe Tomorrow

It was a boy, his mother and this girl…

There was a boy and his mother was about to go to work. She said, "Do not open the door for nobody". The boy said, "Okay". So after the mother left a girl came to their house and she said to the boy, "Let me in". The boy said, I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow". So the girl went to the window and started knocking on it. Once again she said, "Let me in". The boy finally gave up and let her in. So once she got in she said, "Let’s go upstairs". The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow". The girl kept asking him so he finally gave up. When his mama came into his room she said, "Get off that girl". The boy said, "I don’t want to, maybe tomorrow!"

Three Kids

Haven't we all experienced this?

Three boys always come home from school the same way. One day as they pass the fence near their house, they look through a hole in the fence. They see a naked woman standing in the yard, two of the boys stare at her while the third one runs away.



The next day they look through the hole and see the same lady, still naked. The two boys still look at her, while the third one runs away again.



The next day as the three boys look through the hole, and the third one gets ready to run away, the two other ones ask the third one, "Why do you keep running away?" The little boy says, "My mommy told me if I see a naked lady I'll turn to stone. And everytime I see her, a part of me gets harder."

Rooster Prozac

Why was the rooster so unhappy?



Because he only got laid once and it was by his mother.

The Car In The Garage

Mommy what’s that? Daddy what’s that?

There was a kid that wanted to take a shower with his mom. The mom said, "o.k. just whatever you do don’t look up". The boy looked up and said mommy what is that? She says’ "it's my garage". The next night he wanted to take a shower with his dad. He looked up in the shower and said, "daddy what’s that". "It's my car", said the dad. The next night they were getting ready for bed the kid said, "daddy can I sleep with you and mommy tonight?" He said, "yes", and that night the kid woke up and said, "mommy, mommy wake up daddy is parking his car in your garage

Charlie's Friends Wife

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.



The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.



No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife tapped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her. "I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"



"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake him up now."



"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up, won't he?"



"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."



Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her.



When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him again.



Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.



The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered, "Listen, Charlie, old pal. I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

Undertaker

Pretty gross. A lady died and is being prepared to go...

Warning. Discretionary Content. This article may contain material that is either inappropriate or offensive to some audiences.



A lady died and is being prepared to go under by Jake. Jake is dressing and cleaning her when he sees a problem and tells his boss.



He says, "Boss this lad's got a shrimp in her vagina."



"What? let me see". He looks and says, "you dumbass that's her clit."



Jake replies, "Oh, it tasted like shrimp."

Blind Date

Two gay men visit the gorilla's at the zoo.

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo, checking out the animals.



They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.



They stand and watch him for half an hour.



One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch the gorilla's penis. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.



Two days later his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"



"AM I HURT? AM I HURT!!", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be!? He hasn't called, he hasn't written

Twisted Nursery Rhymes

Nobody ever sung THESE in gradeschool....

Mary Had a Little Lamb





Mary had a little lamb,

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

between two hunks of bread.



Little Miss Muffet





Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,

Her clothes all tattered and torn.

It wasn't the spider

That crept up beside her,

But Little Boy Blue and his horn.



Simple Simon





Simple Simon met a Pieman,

Going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

What have you got there?

Said the Pieman unto Simon,

Pies, you dickhead.



Humpty Dumpty





Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings horses

And all the kings men,

Said "F*ck him,

He's only an egg."



Mary Had a Another Lamb





Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up it's ass,

And turned it's wool to nylon.



Georgy Porgy





Georgie Porgy, pudding and pie.

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too, cause he was gay.



Jack and Jill





Jack and Jill

Went up the hill,

To have little fun.

Jill, that dill

Forgot her pill,

And now they have a son.



Old Mother Hubbard





Old Mother Hubbard

Went to the cupboard

to fetch her poor dog a bone.

When she bent over

Rover took over,

And gave her a bone of his own.



Little Boy Blue





Little Boy Blew.

Hey. He needed the Money

Sperm Bank Robbery



A masked man walked into a sperm bank, pulled out a gun, and told the secretary that this was a stick up and to open the safe.



The secretary replied, "You idiot, this is a sperm bank, there's no money here!!"



The masked man insisted that if she did not open the safe he would shoot her on the spot. Reluctantly, she opened the safe and stood back. There in the open safe were two vials of sperm.



The robber pointed his gun at the two vials and ordered the secretary to drink them both or he would blow her head off.



When she had finished drinking the second vial the robber took off his mask. There stood her husband with a grin on his face!!



"See Doris", he said. "that didn't kill you, did it?!"

Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."



2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"



3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"



4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"



5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the

underwear,...OK?"



6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"



7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"



8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"



9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."



10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"



11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."



12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."



13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"



14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"



15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"



16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."



17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"



18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"