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Profile for myradu

myradu





Rating: 1

Comment: yes i am a vampyre, learn to spell it right, u fucking human, ur nothing but food. dont start a war, u will regret it.



Date: 10:30:37 - Nov 24 2005





Awwww he rated me a 1 how cute! He wants to play with the big boys now.

Something's very wrong somewhere. Something's looming over the horizon, big and black and ready to devour my entire life. I can't see what it is, I don't know what it is. I can't even tell when or why or how. Its just something, a thing, an event, I don't even know. Everything feels very wrong today. So very wrong to the point its giving me anxiety attacks and making me sick. I'm an emotional wreck and I don't even know why. But its something, and its there, and I can't be imagining it because it feels too real. Its weighing me down and pulling me into a pit, dragging me back to all my old habits and vices. Its brewing like a storm inside me, right in the center of my chest, right where that paralyzing mystery pain comes every spring. I stand outside in the sunshine to get warm and still feel cold. Its like I can't adjust. Something is preparing me for change and I can't adjust.









Love is like a vampire, it just feeds off you and leaves you crying and half dead in the morning, but wanting more at night. It is cold and unfeeling, and rips your heart out through your back with its claws and icy fingers. Its just enough pleasure mixed into the pain to make it addictive, its an escape from reality. Its a disease, a drug, but never a cure. Its the crack of emotions. It leaves you with nothing but feeling empty and lost, confused and wondering if what you did was wrong. It gives brief moments of elation, confused and mingled with hatred, doubt, resentment, and abuse.

And that's why we want it so much.

Life's a joke. nothing is real anyway.

Everyone you love and hate will be dead eventually.

Everything you ever owned will be gone.

Every place you ever felt was home will be destroyed.

We're born, we live our life in some prefabricated reality programmed into us by the media. We search for meaning in the chaos and find nothing, we get hurt by people, we hurt ourselves, we try to find the one person who understands us, only to find out they don't give a sh*t. We subsitute our emotions with chemicals, we screw people we don't care about, and we grow old wondering what happened to our youth. we regret everything and die alone.

I came across these old rants of mine buried in my computer. They're a couple years old now, most of them. But I still find them interesting.





So they keep saying this is the end, we are the end, we're living in the end, but nobody tells us the end of what. What lived, what died, who moved on and who didn't. I feel like I've lived before, like I've stepped into someone else's body. There is no past, no present, no future. There is only the instant between flashes, when the crowd grows deafening and the walls get silent with decay. The numbness grows inside you and you're turning inside out, trying to find your way back, back to the way life was before, the way it should have been. But you can't go back, you can't go forward, you can only exist for this moment right here and now, except there is no here and now. I think I see I am I breathe I touch I taste I feel. I feel. I feel the world, I feel nothing. I feel empty. There's no one around and the world has turned and left me here. I am alone, a shell, lost inside some world that isn't mine. I'm watching the dream of my life played on widescreen tv with dolby sound and seatbelts, because its going to be a bumpy ride folks. A part of something a part of nothing. I'm cold. Sleep. Sleep for the innocence of the world. Death, decay, downward, driven, device, detain, devoid of thoughts and feelings, I live. I survive.

I am incredibly fucking pissed. All the people who told me they were going to come.. just straight out didn't bother showing up. Kinda like the Halloween party. I'm getting real sick of people in general. Ontop of all that, my son looked at his stuff and said "this stuff is ok, didn't you get me anything else?" Yeah way to make me feel like absolute shit for being broke. My brother in law brought my neice and nephew over, and then he was an asshole to Gib. So Gib just went to sleep and missed the party, but I don't blame him.. I wanted to do the same thing. Seans father claims he sent Sean a package in the mail but I haven't seen it yet.. and I've heard that kind of BS from him before. Haven't gotten anything from his grandmother either. And my dad said he might stop by tomorrow, and I'll probably be at work. Thank gods, I don't want to see that prick.



I let him down. I should've made it a better party. I let my own kid down.

"Stop crying damnit! I can't even speak my mind without you crying, I'm just gonna stop talking from now on." "You wonder why I'm not attracted anymore when you're so out of shape, why don't you get out and do something instead of sitting in front of the computer all the time." "All I do is sleep, get up, sleep again.. I have no fucking life and you wonder why I don't care anymore." "All I do is pay YOUR bills and watch YOUR kid, I don't have a life. I can't even get a job because that would require something within walking distance, which there isn't, and a babysitter, which we can't find because nobody is reliable. And you won't even look for a better job."