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Well, just had the 20wk scan. Slightly disappointed as they didn't offer a photo of it. The doctor was too busy taking measurements to make sure there was no indication of dwarfism (which is present in Gav's family). I guess if I'd had it at the ultrasound dept where I had my 13wk scan they would have taken a picture, but because of the dwarfism thing I had to go to the ante-natal dept instead.



Oh well. We saw its legs (long) and hands (it stuck its middle finger up at us!) and everything was pronounced perfectly normal. In fact, it was big for its 'age', so I'm guessing it's gonna be a 10+ pounder like its Daddy was when he was born...I feel an episiotomy coming on...

This is great...because VR has a dark background, all I can see reflected in my monitor is my cantilevered cleavage :-)



A perk of pregnancy methinks...not that I was lacking before but...wow...



*blinks*

You know, this baby is either gonna be a vegetarian, or just a wild animal. The only meats I can stomach are raw cured meats like salami and jerky. Not that I'm complaining because I love them myself, but I'd kill for a big juicy burger sometimes! Or even a nice bit of cod from the chippy but no...baby no likee fishie!



Grr...



Baby also no likee solid food on a morning anymore, so I'm back to breakfasting on Slim-fast shakes. Not ideal but hey, it's better than suffering the agonising pains all morning which I get if I dare eat solid food before 10am!

Felt the baby move - I think - for the first time last night, while I was watching one of my favourite TV shows Supernatural. Wasn't expecting to feel it for another 3 weeks or so. Told Gav but, surprise surprise, no response.

You know, I've been thinking. I really don't think I deserve to be pregnant. Even though I've wanted it for so long; now I actually am, it's a complete anti-climax.



I just can't get enthusiastic about it. Every time someone asks about it, I feel like I have to pretend to be all hap-hap-happy and really I just feel like crying and walking away. Even at the scan, when we saw it move, I felt like I was putting on an act and pretending to be happy about it. I even tried looking at baby stuff online but aside from feeling mildly excited when I saw the little black layette, I really couldn't care less right now.



I know why it is. This whole pregnancy has been marred by the behaviour of the father. If he were here with me, sharing in it, I'd enjoy every minute, I know I would. But I see him once a week at the most, and it's just not enough. He's missing out on everything and consequently so am I.



I feel awful saying all this, and ungrateful, and all that stuff. There's so many women in the world who would kill to be pregnant, yet here I am whinging every step of the way. But knowing I'm 'lucky' or 'blessed' or whatever doesn't change the way I feel.



Maybe I'll feel differently when the baby comes, or if he decides to come back like he keeps saying he will. Well, I KNOW I'll feel differently then, because that's really all that's missing from my life at the moment.

Finally got my scanner working - meet the baby Revenant:

Heard the baby's heartbeat yesterday :-) Very strong apparently. Also heard some weird noises which sounded like hiccups or something. CUTE!



Not felt any movement yet, but the bump is starting to come through. I've lost a stone since my first midwife appointment back in December, so all the morning sickness has paid off! Course, it doesn't look like I've lost weight cos of the bump, but no matter :-)



This sickness really seems to be easing off now. My appetite is still erratic and there's stuff I still don't feel I can eat (fish and burgers mainly) but I can now stomach having breakfast again. Not had any more cravings though, which I'm a bit surprised at. But maybe it means this baby won't be a fussy eater!