The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

There are three things in this world that I am not, a liar, a cheat, and a thief. I am always honest, straight forward and outspoken, even when unnecessary. I am however Psychotic, evil, sadistic. I always stick by my friends (though I only have 1, the rest are associates) as long as I feel that they are my friends, though I never fully trust anyone. I am not afraid of anything, but afraid of everything. I hate everyone, but try to like everyone. I am hard on the outside, but soft on the inside. I want to accomplish everything but can’t do anything. I am numb to pain but feel everything. I love everything evil, dark, twisted, but I am not, unless pushed to that point (it takes a lot, but doesn’t take much you just never know), and love God at the same time. How is this possible? I have 3 different personalities Nice, Bitch, and Extreme BITCH!!! I have a saying about my personality that I have had since I was about 12 yrs. old “I am the nicest person you will ever meet, until you really piss me off, and then you will wish you never had”. I try to be perfect but yet know it to be impossible, so give up completely. I do not tolerate disrespect in any way shape or form from ANYONE, if disrespected I can become a very angry & violent person. I do not appreciate people who are nosey, or pass judgement on others when they are no better. I cannot be told what to do; I take offense to being directed. Self mutilation runs in the family but I think I have them all beat, but I am too attractive to make myself look ugly (anymore) with unsightly scars. I have enough emotional scars to last a lifetime. I love my boyfriend more than life itself, he is the only person that I completely trust, but he breaks my heart so often that I might as well be dead. My kids and him are the only people I live for, if it wasn’t for them I would be back on my road to self destruction. A road that began a long time ago, even before I knew what depression, or drugs etc... were. The first time I tried to commit suicide that I remember was when I was ten yrs. old. Not because I wanted to die because I wanted to know what it was like to die, in times since I want to be separated from this world. I have tried countless times since, mostly self mutilation when I was young. I was too afraid of death then, I am not anymore I pray for it almost everyday, but now as a God fearing woman I cannot logically commit suicide. There are times where I am severely depressed and don’t think logically. I guess I have to thank God for that too, for all the times I was pressing knives to my wrist and the pressure of the knife was bringing the blood to the surface. For some reason an image of my children and their fate in this world without me would always pop into my head, and the possible better days ahead. But no matter how many times this has happened, and the result is still the same, the knife always finds its way back at my wrist. I know myself, but still am learning more everyday. I know my limits so I choose to stay away, the more I stay away the more I want to be near. The closer I get the more I want to conceal, the less I trust. I am thoroughly convinced that I will never find “the one” that will love me forever that wants to be with me for me, no one will ever understand me enough. I am confused about why I am the way I am, how can someone else understand me enough to love me, to commit their life to me. The more I think about this the less I want to continue to live this miserable life alone. I sit her alone in my misery rotting in my existence, trying to think of a future happiness that will never come. People that I have been close to tell me that life is what you make it, I have tried to be a shiny, happy person, then they tell me don’t try so hard. So what is it? Try or don’t try? There is no happy medium for me. My whole life is very confusing; I am always pulled in 2 different directions. I am very confident in myself, but insecure at the same time. I want to see the world but too afraid to travel.





If you can't tell I have bi-polar disorder, very confusing and very real. I don't expect anyone to understand my ramblings because half the time I don't.