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She loves me. Or at least she cares deeply. It's a strange thing to understand. There's never been anyone who felt that way about me. I have my siblings, and we love each other with the ferocity that comes of a lifetime of fucked-up-ed-ness and knowing that everyone else will hurt, betray or exploit you, and that if we don't have each other, we have no one. But it's almost a twisted affection, born out of needing each other, and knowing that no one else would understand the darker streaks without being driven away or hurt.



There have been those who have been infatuated with me, but that means nothing. Silly, weak-minded fools who had their own romance created in their heads before they ever met me, and I just happened to look pretty enough to fit the part they had created. They never understood, or even tried to, because the pretty little facade fit in with their fantasies too well to bother trying to figure out who the peron behind it really was.



But this one girl, she's different. At first I just found her sweet, if a little weak, and didn't think much of her. I was nice to her, not because I wanted anything from her, but because there was no reason not to be nice. I never expected her to stick around. She did, though. Kept on emailing, asking if I wanted to hang out, and to my own surprise, I kept saying yes.



At first I thought it was just because she was Japanese and was too polite to ignore me just yet. So, I figured there was no harm in being nice until she felt that her courteous obligations were fulfilled, and she'd go along her merry way. Then I figured it was because she didn't have too many other people who also had lived in Japan and she was homesick. But then she had other friends, and other Japanese friends, and she kept contacting me.



She never made that big a secret about how she felt, I just never really believed her before. When people say "You're really nice" or "I really love being around you" or anything else, it usually translates to "I will feed your desperate need for approval so you will do what I want", "I am weak and need someone to latch on to" or, of course "I want to get into your pants". I never cared which one they meant, it never mattered. They lie to manipulate because they want something, I understood that long ago.



But she didn't seem to fall into any of those categories. She didn't want anything from me that I could see. So I circled, skittishly, like a cat that's found something strange and fascinating that it’s not sure of, but can’t ignore just yet. Finally, one day she invited me to a party with her foster family (she's an exchange student at our college) and of course, I went.



I was talking to her host mother and she said that K (the girl) talked about me a lot, and seemed really affected by me. That no, K made very few close friends, but for some reason, she kept in touch with me. I was a bit taken back by this, because she was the first person who said this that I didn't think would lie or be lied to. I mean, when she said that she really liked me, she could be just saying it for some reason. Same when she spoke highly of me to mutual acquaintances, where she knew it would get back to me. But there was practically no chance I would ever meet this woman, so she had no reason to say anything other than the truth about me.



Then, another friend sent me a letter that he had gotten from K that talked about me for a bit, and it finally registered in my paranoid little brain: She really cares about me. I think she is the first person, other than my family and those cult fucks that raised me, to do that. And she’s certainly the first person who cares about me like this – minus all the manipulativeness or needing.



It’s a very strange thing to understand. I’m not sure how it will turn out, and whether or not she’s got a crush on me as well, and if so, what I’ll decide about that, but it doesn’t matter. For the moment, I’ll be happy with the fact that someone cares for me like that.