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Have you ever wondered if your life has corrupted your soul/spirit? I feel as though the experiences in my life have corrupted who I supposed to be. When I was in my adolescent years I didn't doubt how people felt towards me. I knew where I stood with them and visa versa but once you start dating.... Oh My Goddess that begins to change. After each break-up you get this tiny tiny piece of doubt in your mind about the honesty of ppl. As you grow older and widen your experiences not only in romantic relationships but in every aspect of your life you find that at least half the ppl you meet can't be trusted and not many really care about how your feelings are affected my their actions. As I write this though I find that even though there are those many thousands of seeds of doubt in my mind... I refuse to let them grow into fruition. I am who I am. May it be "bad" or "good" is up to me and no one else. Doesn't matter who tries to break me. I am gonna be who I want to be. So yeah I guess I am corrupted. I am corrupted by my past and my present experiences but sometimes corruption change you for the better.

So I have been thinking... Are some of us meant to just give give give and not receive anything in return? That is what I have been feeling like lately. Everyone comes to me for advice and expect me to give it freely with out expectation of anything in return. All I ask is that some one lends and ear when I need it. I don't expect people to give me advice or even sympathize! All they have to do is say "oh" or "huh" or nothing at all. Some times I just need some one to be right in front of me and let me tell them all my trouble, frustrations, and worries to, let me yell at them. All the while keeping a neutral face. Or letting me just vent for and hour and say "Do you feel better now?" Its like when you say you need a hug and someone says oh I am sending you a mental hug. Its not the same when you say you want a hug you want a hug like your mom gives you when you are crying mercilessly cuz your bf broke up with you. That is the kind of hug that you want. Anyways that is the analogy of why I need right now. I need the equivalent of a mom hug but for venting EVERYTHING! Need it desperately and I don't want to waste my money on some overly educated asshole who is gonna judge me no matter what I have to say. So any how...

If you can't be who you are with the one you love then what do you do? Do push them away and tell them that you don't do it anymore that you can't be who they want you to be? Or do you realize that the person they want you to be is inside of you just waiting to be discovered and nurtured? Because that is what loved one do right? They see into you and see who you really are and who you are meant to be. Whether you know it or not they find the real you. So I guess the really question then becomes... Do you have the courage to let the really you come to the surface and life a happy and fulfilling life? Do you have the courage to share your true nature, beauty and essence with the one you love and through the to the rest of the miserable world? Do you have the courage to be happy and satisfied?

So my life sucks! I am so fucking screwed up that I can't even bring myself to go out on New Years Eve! And because of that bullshit I missed my "Bring in the New Year kiss" with my brand new fiance. I fucking hate my life and my self right now. I feel like I am broken and some of the pieces are missing. But the thing is that I don't remember when I was thrown at the wall. I miss being me. I want to be that girl back in high school that was quiet durning school hours and wild on my own time. Now I am acting exactly like the stereo-typical geek who is quiet and locks herself in solitude on her time off. I hate it. I don't like being alone. Being what I am is like being alone enough. Not to mention all of the friends that I can talk to about it aren't even remotely close to me. Being isolated and not being able to talk to anyone about anything going on with me is both upsetting and depressing. How is it that something that bothers me so mucn is something I can't talk to anyone about? Not even my fiance? Its like no one can relate or understand? I mean I am sure someone somewhere know how I feel but I haven't found anyone who knows. I just want and need someone to talk to about anything and everything. Maybe that is just the medicine I need...?