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So thats it....the hard fight Ive had to fight for so long has been lost! *sighs*

Wow...not sure what else to say except "wow" atm!

I know what your thinking

I know how you feel

I hate that its haunting us

And I know that its real

You know I wont change it

Im not sure that I can

But you made your desitions

And now they must stand

I hate all your choices

I know you do too

Your trying to fight them

But I know the truth

I wish I could help you

It would help me out too

Your now standing where I stood

And are thinking it through

It will hurt when we meet

To look in your eyes

Lines cant be uncrossed

Cant take back the lies

So what do we do now

And what do we say

It is the last step

We've come all this way

We know things have changed

We knew that they would

If youd just said no

And if only I could

I started this mess

but you followed it through

And now all thats left

Is just me and you

As much as I wanted to jump in my van and drive off yesterday...common sence got the better of me, and I'm still here! Yesterday I was so ready to pack it all in...the shop, everything!

I was over everyone that I come in contact with up here, and I was going to drive and leave it all behind me!



Me - Thats it, I'm running away!

Him - Its not running away when you have done everything you can, its starting a fresh!

Me - No I think I'm just running away!



Again I need to work out if I am running away...or running to!

So this is it....I am thinking of cutting ties I have to this place and moving on.

I got the invite that I have been waiting for....and there seems to be nothing or no one wanting me here!

If there was a reason to stay I would consider it but I am finding it hard to even find one person who knows me enough to understand what I need at the moment!

I should of known better....I should of known better than to put myself in that situation.

I knew the state I was in emotionally, I had a fair idea of the place I would put myself in mentally, and I should of known what was going to happen if I went back there in that frame of mind! I guess I did in a way try and protect myself a little, I did have people around me who knew and cared. But I wasn't ready for the roller coaster ride that was to follow...or ready for how I was going to react!

You can't escape the memories that are in your head no matter how far or fast you run.



Walking back into that club, where things were so much the same...but so very different...I was flooded with all the things that had happened there....how could it not have a impact on me, we had lived a life that was straight out of movie....from the VIP status that only a handful can ever hope to enjoy, to being pulled down back exits away from cameras by crooked bounces and the times we were chased, followed, held and searched!

I spent the night in the arms of friends and staff who all did their best to help but who knew the one person that I really did need was nine hours away.

At the end of the day its still my best friend at the end of the phone, and nothing will ever change that!

This journal entry is not going as well as I hoped....I guess I know how easily people rip you to shreds when you just want to write to clear your head.

Nothing will change the path that I have walked down or the path that is in front of me for that matter either, and sometimes I am too scared to take the next step!

There are words I can not say!

There are words I will not hear no matter how much I want to!

And then there is words that I want to say....but dont know how!

Ok the problem with deleting someones number is you dont know its them when they ring you......making it hard to avoid them after you have answered the phone!

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ladySnowStrixx
03:25 Jun 10 2009

Ok that is so true , Again I,m sorry you going through this .Hope it gets better or he comes to see you're a catch that cant be passed up.

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ok...number has been deleted!!!

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
13:30 Jun 09 2009

Ok I take by the statement you made that the message wasn't for you? and if I,m right , I,m sorry hon, but look at it like this , he doesn't know what he,s missing and you were probably to good for him anyway.

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Veela
02:28 Jun 10 2009

Thank you for your kind words...its alittle bit of a complicated situation, lol!

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He sent me a message saying everything I ever wanted him to say to me....and all I could think was "did you just send that to the wrong person?"

What am I supposed to do now, cause all I want to do is run....just not sure if I want to run to him or away from him?

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ladySnowStrixx
22:04 Jun 05 2009

Well , hon instead of worrying your self about it just ask him if he meant to send anything and if he says yes then you can be happy and run to him if he says it was not meant for you then its better to know now then to lead your self on and build it up only to fall later it would hurt alot worse then.life is never what you make it and love is never easy but without it what have we to live for.good luck ,i,ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

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Veela
01:48 Jun 06 2009

It seems it was to me!

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Today is the first day in a long time that I dont feel like I am walking under a cloud....what is different from yesterday, or the day before, or last week I dont know but today I feel stronger....and I didnt drink at the party last night, not a drop! Its now been nearly two weeks since I passed out on his floor.....again.....and as I drove away I swore that would be the last time!

Shit my hair is yellow and pink...bright yellow and pink....and not in a good way....I'm now off to a party with yellow and pink hair..Yay!

Him - I love you!

Me - Ohhhhhh.... I love you too!

Ok so I am throwing myself into my shop, now that he has decided to stay down there for a year, that leaves me here without him. I've started looking for a new tattooist too...and the first thing I am going to do when I get some money is get tattooed over the scar he gave me.....time to move on with my life without him in it!

It maybe abit early but hey......