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So its late Sunday night and I have been put in a bad mood by comment made to me, and about me. I returned a phone call, to get a message. Damn- and I really needed to talk with the one person who tells me what he means, who listens and would help me.

I try to sleep, but kept thinking of what was said and the people who pissed me off. Then Chaz calls me back. Not caring its after midnight- not caring if he wakes me up. He wanted to talk, so he calls. Gods you got to love a man who fucking doesn't care..lol

Now that is me kidding- as he did offer to let me go back to sleep. But I knew that would be a waste of time, so we talked.

He listen to my ranting- about my profile and the lack of .... Hell I dont know... the lack of someone giving me what I need. And helped me to realize it would never be there. Wasting my time wishing for it- and if he doesn't make me happy- why stay? And to never make a commitment to a person who doesn't care enough to make one back. To not change my ways to please someone- as I will never be happy hiding that part of me.

He made me remember I am my own person- and if you do not like that-screw it, keep the fuck away from me. To do what I want, that makes me happy. He made me laugh, and he brought a smile to my face as I slept a few hours later.

Now if you ask him- he would say we just talked, flirted, and had fun with each other. And that we did- but sometimes just talking to him helps put my life back in order. So young.. and I am so old...lol... But I know the real Chaz and to him I say thanks. You were just what I needed. And I hope we can share a hottub some day.... lol.

Just not a pool with hot spots, sweetie.

She lies in her bed, unable to fall into the sanitary sleep would provide. Head still pounding from the migraine, she thinks of the day. Tossing and turning, she finally settles on her stomach, and gives into the tears she had fought off all day. A release in a way, she lets her tears flow from her burning eyes... and curls up into a ball, her defenses down... and her control released to no one but the night.

He comes to her. The bed moves as he joins her, his voice calming now, smoothing. She feels his hand on her bare back... rubbing, not creasing as before. She opens her senses to take all of him in. The scent of his cologne, his body heat as he moves closer to her body. The touch of his skin on hers, way his voice changes as he speaks to her in a soft caring tone. She knows it would be a waste to open her eyes, as he was her dream lover- never to be known by her. She relaxes as he strokes her back, and speaks to her in French. She has no idea that his words are, but the tone was calming, and she understands why he is here. He knew just what she needed right now.

He comes closer, and she feels his arm slide under her head, moving the pillows aside to bring her onto his shoulder. She wipes her tears away and wraps her hand around his forearm, as he spoke to her a language she understood... “Relax Katie... I am here and nothing will harm you.” She smiles, and the pain easies away. He brings his hand to her hip and she reaches down and brings it up to her face, bringing his arm across her chest. She puts his hand under her check and sighs. “Sleep Katie. I will watch over you.” She feels his body’s weight as he wraps his body around hers, and she felt safe. The dreams of death will not come with him here, with his arms around her. He spoke into her ear, softly as he settles to hold her until dawn. “Katie I am here” She slept with his soft beautiful voice speaking words in French to her, keeping the darkness away, and keeping her safe as her control was relinquished to him.

The stereo alarm wakes her in a few hours and she rolls over to her back, taking a few minutes to wake. She smiles as the migraine has moved out of her head, the tension in her shoulders and neck released to a dull headache. She yawns and pushes the bedding aside to start another day, her control back firmly in her hands.

I went to the doctor’s office today. My day was going well- we passed a surprise inspection at work with a 100. Yeah! Happy dance. I learned my inner voice was telling me the truth about someone... Yeah! However, sad, as it hurt that I was right. In addition, a check up for the afternoon. So here I am at the doctors offices. 2:30pm is the appointment time. At 3:26, I am put in the little room, closed up with the old magazine of health and fitness junk. Like.. hello?? lol If I was a health nut would I be at a doctors?

So here I sit, reading a book I am trying to read, feet up on the little stool the doctor’s sits at... and it hit me. The itch. In the upper part of my back. Between the shoulder blades. Oh, don’t you hate that? I try to rub my back on the chair... I stand and move to the window... and the window had no edge to rub up against. So now what? I cannot just open the door and use the door jam to scratch the spot... the itch that would not stop. So I try to reach it, laughing as I remember some one talking about this very thing a few nights ago with me. I so need to scratch, but cannot reach. So I did the only thing left. I start opening cabinet to find something... and see the canister of tongue depressor things. I laugh.. Thinking anyone outside the door would just have to wonder about me.

I pull out the little popsicle thing, and raising both arms up, I slide it into my shirt and start to scratch the itch. And you know what happen next. A soft knock- and here comes my doctor in. I turn, arms up, hand down the back of my shirt.

She gives me the -what are you doing look, but being a doctor she did not ask. I pull the stick out, and lower my arms. I laugh, and tell her I had an itch...

Safe to say my doctor has no humor. I cough to cover my smile and sit down, putting the stick in my pocket to trash later. That is my Tuesday 18th

So the question is why are people cruel? Why do they act in ways they know will hurt you? Why say something to you they are aware will give you pain?

But as you can not keep people from doing these actions- let look at what you can do to stop them from doing it...

Power. The power to hurt feelings/ pain of your is something you need to keep from happening. To never let anyone have the power to hurt you...as that is what they were trying to do. You can't understand why they wish to hurt you.... but you can stop it.

Learn from the pain. Learn that they are able to hurt you... but more to the point - are willing to hurt you. Some say this keeps you from falling in love, but if they hurt you for fun?, then you are better of without love.

Learn to take the power back from them...