Jason's Life in a Nuttshell
15:00 Sep 30 2008
Times Read: 624
I'm not sure where to start, but who ever does. My earliest memories at age 7, consist of an uncle getting me stoned and drunk then haveing sex with a hooker in front of me. I had a step dad that would beat me and my mom if he had a bad day. I remember the cold dark hatred in his eyes as he would repeatedly snap his leather belt across my bare back and butt, with all his might and no mercy untill he was satisfied. I was'nt allowed to cry or he would get even more angry and and I would get into more trouble, so I had to silence my screams. There are so many events in my life that I wont go into much detail, so I will keep it sumed up. These type of things went on till I was around 10-11 yrs old. Then one day it started & I was so tired of it. I had been praying for awhile, to make it stop, so I prayed with everything I had, but it didnt stop. So I got mad at God and cussed him out, then I called out for anything to give me strength. Then it happened, I felt this power surge through me, then I grabbed a metal baseball bat & ran after my step dad, he ran & locked himself in the room. From that day he left me alone & didnt touch my mom if I was around.
Then one day I was in the car with my step dad & uncle, we were supossed to be going to do some yard work. My uncle was shooting up in front of me and at one point we got pulled over, and next thing I know we are on the ground and I have a shot gun at my head. Turns out the trunk was full of drugs & guns which my step dad was trying to pass off as being mine, I then had to sit in a holding cell at the border patrol for five hours or so untill someone was able to come pick me up. So my step dad got locked up and that was our way out, atleast I thought so.
I was 13 and was out getting stoned all the time till I was 15 and during that time we lived on the streets on & off, and my mom was getting into one abusive relationship after another. I had to protect my mom and I would have to fight grown men, wich they weren't too happy that a kid kicked thier butt, so home life was always uncomfortable for me. Around age 15 I went on to other drugs since I smoked so much pot my immune system couldnt handle it any more. so I did speed,meth,coke,Ice,crank and such. I was so far beyond gone, I had to do what I had to, to keep from going insane, so I would burn my arm with cigarettes when the thoughts in my head would cause me pain so that it would redirect my pain elsewhere. I had attempted suicide many times & couldnt die, it made me angry, so I tried making other people want to kill me. I would always put myself into very dangerouse situations,I even played Russian Rullette in hopes to end it, but at one point when I was about to take my shot, my friend decided to pull the gun from my hand pointed in the air and BANG!! I was so pissed, that was mine, I tried so many things, they never worked. So then I got to the point of, if no one can love me, then they will fear me, and they did, everyone feared me, my friends walked on egg shells in fear of makeing me mad. I was ruled by hatred and anger, I unleashed a mighty beast of wrath. I went deep into some very dark spiritual stuff, I won't elaberate on that. But, I will say that I had a god complex & I bowed to no one, I was set to take on the world and rule, I did alot of unimaginable things. I had also joined a Tongan gang and ruled the streets of Reno,NV until one horrible night I witnessed one of mt brothers being brutally murdered five feet away from me, I couldnt get to him no matter how hard I tried, "RIP Bill", after that my life took a turn. I was about 17-18, I broke down, I thought about my life, and how much I just wanted to be loved and hugged, I always had so much love for everyone as a kid, but no one to give it to. I went insane from that and tore the walls apart in my room and screaming from tortured pain. My step dad at that time wanted to have me comitted to a hospital, but my mom wouldnt let him, so I went outside and cursed the world.
I eventually started to feel my heart rising up, so I would do horrible things to push it back down. Then I was beginning to feel bad for the things I was doing to people, I was feeling mercy. So I eventually binded myself from useing the dark energy against people. From then I had Demons after me, I fought them every day for years, and I also won't elaberate on that. I was still heavy into drugs at this time, anything that had a risk of death was my favorite. I went on to killing cats at one point, lots of them, I got a rush from torturing them to death, I also became creative with it, no two ever went the same, untill my heart screamed out so loud for mercy at age 20, so I stopped. I eventually cut down on drugs and drinking, so much that even on my 21st birthday I didnt even drink. My life was becomeing empty, I was in the streets on & off most of the time. I was searching for meaning any where and every where, I knew there had to be more to life than this, just didnt know what, I had met someone speacial, she understood me, and touched me deeply, it moved alot of things around in me, forever changing my life, but I had no idea in what way, there were some turn of events that lead me to yet again run back into the cruel world. Then by age 24, I was living with a cousin that ended up gettin married, so they wanted the place for them selfs. So I ended up with 2 opertunities, I could either go to North Carolina and live with a cousin there & make some really good money, or go to Oregon & live with my mom and not know what to expect, since I didnt want anything to do with her because of the life she always lived. I did'nt know what to do, so for some reason I followed my heart, and came to Oregon. It was November of 98, it took me a few months to get California out of my system & relax. Oregon seemed like the peace I was always looking for, little did I know.
The day came that started a new change in my life, I went to Applegate Lake with my brother and his family at the time. I remember the water was fairly cold and we decided to try and swim to the platform that was just out a little ways. What would have been an easy swim for me took a twist as the water became colder the farther I went, at one point my chest was freezing up and I couldn't breathe, so I then fought to make it to the platform, well turns out when the muscles get too cold they cease to function. I fought with everything I had and my brothers girlfriend had come over to try and help keep me up, then I remember life slipping away from me, all the trees on the shore seemed to look white and faded out, I then knew I was going to die. I find it funny that all I wanted to do was die my whole life, but, at that moment, with my last breathe as I was starting to sink, I uttered the words with such desperation, "Oh God, please not like this..." the next thing I know I'm spouting up from under the water and filled with more fight, at that moment there was a guy on the shore that asked if I needed help, all I could do was whisper from exhaustion, luckily the guy notices I do need help. I almost lost hope when I noticed this guy was starting to have trouble getting to me, but he made it and dragged me in. I spent a few days in shock and didn't speak. I began to re-evaluate my life from beginning to end, I had no Idea what I was in for. I found a spot out in the hills called Johns Peak. I went there to think a lot, I thought about my whole life and noticed how I wouldn't be the person that I was if all that stuff didn't happen. I had noticed how strong of a person that I was from the things I went through, so I became thankful to my step dad and forgave him, I then felt a love for the one person I hated most and wanted to kill. The next thing I know, my life unfolded before my eyes. I seen how God used everything to make me who I am, and that he was always there for me through it all, he protected me and kept me alive even though I wanted nothing to do with him. I felt free, and the weight of the world lifted off of me. I then gave my life to God and just told him how much I love him and thanked him over and over. The next thing I remember, I looked up and seen a Hawk flying over me circling, then a gentle warm breeze blew through me and I felt blasted with the Love of Jesus. I can't even explain how it felt or what I seen, it was Ultimate Peace, Joy, and Love, everything I wanted so very badly since I was a young kid, it was a dream come true, until this point I never knew who Jesus was. Everywhere around me was like pure golden flickering fire water going through me and all the trees, in the air, in everything. I heard his voice loud and clear and I just lit up with overwhelming joy just to hear him, his voice was soothing love and life, overall unexplainable. I would lay out on my car every night talking to him and laughing as I never have before, I was so alive.
Jesus is the best's friend I have ever had, we would talk for hours about old times. As for all the people that don't believe in changing overnight, I was completely transformed in the blink of an eye. When God is in control, All things are Possible. I went from wanting nothing to do with God, and trying to turn people from him, into giving Jesus my Life and finding that one person alone is Worthy of bowing down to. If it wasn't for Jesus I would surely be dead by my own hand by now. Since that experience I have had my trials and I have given up on life just waiting to fade away.
I spent about four to five years basically as a hermit locked away from the outside world. At one point I was diagnosed withSchizoaffective, which is considered a complicated mental illness, that is a mixture of Schizophrenia and Bi-Polar, the complication is that one extreme triggers the other going back and forth with no balance. Well unfortunately I started buying into it and life was hell, until I became so sick of it, I hunted down the core of this chaos and found that balance that wasn't supposed to exist. I began on such a journey without ever leaving my room. I then didn't relise how much had changed within me until I ventured out into the world and it was like a whole new creation, which it was I who was the whole new creation. I went through some trials of course, and with my vow to never go back into those dark times, my outlook on "Bad situations" turned into seeing the good in it. I spent 3 months reconditioning myself. every morning I would make the first thought be of how great the day is going to be and before bed the last thought of all the things I was greatful for that day. I pushed myself to be consistant with that untill it was second nature. This went on for a period of a year, and then my life took a huge leap, I ended up reconecting with that speacial person from 13 years ago, I had always thought she hated me, but I found it was not so, but the opposite, I went through alot of changes, had just got done with a very chaotic situation and here she was, just in time, Zila had entered my life once again and this time was much needed. I was falling apart at the seems, I thought I had it all figured out, but I was only fooling myself, I don't remember a lot of what happen during this time, but I do know I was such a horrific mess. At one point, I again ran, back into the world of Pain. I went through several more huge trials in the course of almost 2 years, and then I found myself returning to Zila yet again, this time I made the move to be closer to her, she has helped me to get through major changes in my life and has helped me to see more truth and find who I really am.... This is where I am now, the year 2008, I have found many parts of myself I thought lost and finding new things... I still have major struggles, but I am doing so much better than I ever have, of course there are the trials I face daily but, if it wasn't for Zila always being here for me and pulling me through I would yet be plumitting to the bottom again.... I know not where my life is going from here, already I have new challenges to face, maybe someday.... one of these days... I can have the life I so longed for, a Family of my own that is Happy, I have one now, but it is Zila's... I love them All very much.... I would just love to have one of my own, the way I wish mine would have been as a kid..... and Here I am at 33, still alive and still searching for life, I still have many struggles, but I hope that someday, this war will end.
Jason 6/9/06 ; Revised 9/30/08
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