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It fucking figures... I'd find something you wrote me

Seems like a hundred years ago... but it's not

Was only months ago

You've moved on with your life, I know...

Believe me, I know



Hopefully you're still with her...

And she's found a way to make you happy

It's all I ever wanted for you

You were just a stupid little crush...

Thought I loved you... but *sighs*



Most days I don't even think about you

I go weeks without you crossing my mind

Then something so insignificant brings your

memory

It really hurts to think about how things were with us

What could have been... if you would have only tried



I cried so many tears over you… pathedic

And all the while, you had no intention of being with me

You hated the one you were with, but not enough to walk away

So shove your ‘I love yous’ up your ass

I might be alone, but your words don’t hold me captive anymore



You know... I might as well tell you...

This secret that's been burning a hole in me

Here’s the truth... plain and simple... no sugar coating

I left my boyfriend for you because I believed your lies

And you left me reaching out for you as she wore your ring

I'm not OK... I fully admit it for once in my life

Always holding that mask tight against my face

So no one can see how human I am

That way the tears... the scars...

More importantly the real emotion are never seen



*sighs* I'm down tonight... very down...

Almost rock bottom... but not quite

Why? Hell, I don't even know...

Surprise, surprise, huh?

Sometimes I think I'm held captive by my own emotions



Before I knew it, tears were running down my face

No reason for it... don't know what triggered it

Even being a woman, it's hard just crying like this

Emotionally weak even for a brief moment

Makes me uncomfortable



When you cry for awhile, your nose starts to close up

Ironic, ain't it?

At a weak point, a main part of your body decides to betray

*shrugs through the tears* Hell... why not?

Just icing on the damn cake



Lonliness wants to take over... I can feel it

I'm using all of my strength to prevent

But I'll be honest... it's painfull to not surrender

Pride's a main factor... always...

This is me we're talkin about



*shakes* The night air is freezing... cutting into my flesh fiercely

A mist setting all of the houses aglow...

The night's offering me its sweet embrace

I won't decline... not tonight...

It might just be the cure that I've been looking for

An innocent invitation to a special gathering

Shaking at the thought

Why am I inclined to agree to go?

Maybe because I'm searching for something

That quite possibly they might lead me to



What will they tell me that I don't already know?

Will my father talk to them?

Scared... intrigued... cautious... excited...

Possibly willing to open myself for strangers

When many close friends and family don't even get that



I want to say no... but I want to go so badly...

Undecided

Yes... no... maybe... Hell, I don't know...

Will I disappoint my friend... or her friends?

Will I feel nothing and embarrass myself?



Don't want to say the wrong thing...

I desire to be a part of what they do

Yet don't want to get caught up in things that I shouldn't

I'm at a crossroad at this point...

Do I leap... or just stand there at the edge?



Why am I frightened of such loving people?

Do I honestly think that they'd harm me?

No... I don't... I'm not that naive...

Will they reveal something that I wish to keep secret?

My worse fear...



I feel like this could be one of those things that change me forever

For the better, I'm betting...

But the leap... letting the walls finally fall...

It's going to be hard... but yet so easy as well

*sighs*



Wow... didn't think I'd think this much about this

Blowing it out of proportion probably...

Things will probably go smoothly... they usually do

Jen would never put me in harm's way... I know that

I think I might do it just on that fact alone

It's that time again... smoke break time...

It's about ten at night... cold outside...

But I can't help it... got to have that addiction

No matter what the circumstance



Wrapping up in a blanket, I scan the neighborhood

The shadows dance on the walls of the houses

Street lights casting a ghostly glow on the windows

So different than in broad daylight



Some are still awake... lights are on...

And some are asleep... or enjoying the dark

You're guess is as good as mine

I sit with my blanket wondering which one is true



I enhale deeply through the lungs...

Then flavor touching my tongue as it flows out of my mouth

I tell myself that one more cig won't kill me

As the "Quit Smoking" advertisement plays in my head



Everything runs through my mind...

The loss of a friend... the moving away of another...

The church program that stresses me out for lack of a better word

It all starts to get too much to take in



I take another drag of my half cigarette

Deciding that I've gone through worst in the past

But my head won't take that... it's not enough

The pain's the same... unbearable and true



I exhale into the cold air... grinning as I see it leave my lips

A beautiful flow from my lungs into the air

I stare at the fire seduced end until a dog demands my attention

Zara... neighbor's dog coming over for a back rub



She leaves after about ten minutes or so

Licking my hands to show her graditude...

As I pat out my cig, I sit back... close my eyes...

Pretend that I'm floating on a calm stream



Gliding on the bright blueish green water...

Running to God knows where... I care not...

Opening my arms and legs... allowing it to take over

Sun casting it's rays down as I act like a boat



Sitting up, I sigh... coming back to reality once more

I touch my cheek and instantly smile...

Warmth... almost like a sunburn on my skin...

The only evidence of my adventure

My body's demanding sleep soon...

I've pushed it to the edge this time

Partly because I couldn't sleep...

And partly because I didn't want to

3 a.m. conversations with Prince Charming can do that

*smiles at the thought*



The next day, I hear that you called

Of course, I was away helping another

I cried... I wanted to talk to you so badly...

Secretly hoping that you'd call again

Mom said that you were going to Los Vegas

Probably to get married



Sitting on the couch, waiting for the phone to ring

I cuss... pissed off that I wasn't here...

The phone rings... bill collectors...

I cry... I thought it was you...

Walking upstairs, the phone rings again

Betting money to myself that it's them again



Putting MoJo in his cage, I hear the machine...

Your voice... sad that I'm not there to talk to

I ran down the stairs... almost breaking a leg

By the time I pick up, tears are swelling in my eyes

"Rachel??"

"Hey Sherry."



Wow... so much weight was lifted just by the sound of your voice

I admit with time that I've missed you

You admit that you've missed me as well

Just what I needed to hear

I try to fight the tears but one gets by me

Slides down my face in a hurried stream



We bullshit... asking questions that I need answered

Needed something to settle my worries

Just mostly how you are... and how he is...

How's the new family and friends you've made

I repeat that I've missed you badly

You make a light sigh in responce this time



I tell you of my horrible night... how lonely I got

How you got me hooked on CSI... without you to watch it with me

"... got me hooked and left me." I say...

You laugh... fighting the tears as well

I can hear it... clear as day in your voice...

Wondering to myself if you can hear mine



Twenty minutes go by and I need to go...

Reluctently... of course...

I start to cry because I don't want to go just yet

You work alot so you won't miss me so much, you say

"Here just doesn't feel like home without you."

I soon hang up... and sob my eyes out

I'm not sure how I feel right at this moment...

I'm finding it hard to just sit here and not pace

I wish I knew the words to say to make everything OK

But I don't... and I won't say that I do

All I do know is that I'm hurting bad tonight



I'm missing my best friend... she's so far from me

Sitting here tonight, alone in the office

Wishing she was there... just to talk...

Not about anything important... just bullshittin...

I miss those days... seems like a long time ago



Does she miss me? I know not...

I'm sure it's hard to miss someone while your happy without them

And I understand... never thought you'd stay forever

Just didn't think you'd leave me so soon

*wipes a tear*



It's so quiet in this small room... almost deafening

It's like the world's standing still because your not here

I hate the fact that you're so far away from me

It hurts that you haven't called...

But honestly, I didn't think you would



Each tear that I shed never seems to relieve

This ache in my chest that's filled the void

You left inside of me...

Call me... email me... message me...

Do something... I'm dying here...



It's been a fuckin rollercoaster of a weekend

Between death taking away a close friend

And remembering all of the pain of loosing daddy

I need my best friend badly...so fuckin bad

And it hurts that it's an impossible request to ask for

Rolling it around in my trembling hands

Begging silently to not have to enter the room of death

First smelling the flowers and hearing grief loudly

The tears falling wildly down each face

I wipe a cheek with the already soaked tissue



I start to shake as I finally make it to the doors

Can't even sign the book... someone else must

My feet are killing me after waiting in line

Long line of devoted loved ones paying their respects

Each with a different story to tell



Different stories... but one thing in common

They loved him unconditionally... without reservation

His laugh... sense of humor... his smile...

His family... his suaveness... hard-working attitude...

And those that didn't was jealous of what he had



Even through death, they wore smiles...

Knew without a doubt that God would help them through it

They cry because they'll miss him...

I cry because I miss being in their shoes...

They still have hope in the supernatural...I've all but given up



Pictures of him all around the room...

Football... baseball... weddings he was in...

Ex-girlfriends... family... church members...

Priest... preachers... deacons... acquiesces...

Flowers of every type... music slowly playing...

A man truly loved by all who knew him



Too young to have met death but old enough to be ready for it

Yet smart enough to not go looking for it

With grief written on my face, I hug the father

Who, of course, tries to make me laugh like always

I try... but it only makes me cry harder...



Laci... my dear friend... still looks for him to walk through the door

Blissfully in the numb stage of grieving...

"I love you." is all I can say... she smiles with a nod of the head

Mrs. Judy... mother to all she comes a crossed...

"Such a sweetheart." she says as she sees my tears



I walk away... feeling emotionally drained...

I bypass a few people whose eyes become gentle at the sight of my tears

I rather not be consoled tonight

For once... I just wanna cry...

*crumbles up the soaked tissue and lets the tears fall freely*

Picking out black clothes again

Not by choice... situation warrants it

I'm not ready for this says my shakey hands

Not ready to see yet another loved one in a box

The cold abnormal colored shell that's left

For family and friends to cry over



This is going to hurt... theres no doubt about that

But this is for her... the sister of the deceased

Such a innocent soul... yet she's known much pain

God, what do I say? What do I do?

Do I hug her... or let her be?

My chest is starting to hurt... I can't breathe...



I think I'm gonna throw up... I seriously do

Going back into the same building that so many have been laid in

I'm not looking forward to it... but I'm going...

I've promised her since she was little

She'd never have to face anything alone

And I'll do everything in my power to make sure she doesn't



I remember when we were little...

Her brother would get upset because we'd giggle non-stop

Yet he always greeted me with a smile

Call me 'other sis'

I'll miss you, Travis... oh god, how I'll miss you...

Life just won't be the same without you



So many years are wrapped up in that family

Mrs. Judy believed in me... told me I could do anything

Mr. Kirk always picked with me... lightened any situation

Ms. Fairy... rest in peace, my dear one...

You always held my father in high regard...

Each one of these has a heart of gold



So, I'll put this black shirt and pants on

Cry my eyes out when I see your body in that box

Because you would have done it for me...

Just know that you'll be greatly missed

Don't worry... I'll take care of Laci...

She's stronger than I think even we know



Rest in peace, Trav...

We will meet again, brother...

You wanted me to meet the man that you love

I agreed... nothing else for me to do

Right off the bat, I feel uncomfortable...

But I stay because I know it's what you want



Even with a group of people around me, I feel alone

A bar never seemed so cold as it does tonight

So dark... so harsh... cruel in it's own way

I knew this would hurt...



I smoke cigarettes until my throat hurts

Drink until I see double... and can barely hold a conversation

Watching everyone play pool... make a few wise cracks

Nothing seems to pasify this ache inside



Don't want to walk away and ruin this for you

But God... *starts to cry*

I feel so alone...

And I can't for the life of me figure out why



Maybe it's because you made out with him nonstop

Or the fact that you barely talked to me all night

Hell, it doesn't matter... I'm not mad...

I guess at the end, nothing really matters anyways



I made sure that I stuck it out until the end

Even when I barely could hold back the tears

I cried silently in the bathroom

And let you think that everything was alright



New Years' sucks this year... like every year...

I fuckin hate this holiday...

Not looking forward to Valentine's Day either

Father's Day... *cries harder and tries not to think about it*