I always wanted a dog named "BAM!" or "Ka-POW!" -- and when people ask me to repeat it his name, I could just punch them in the face.
I'm not very good at giving advice. Really. I spend far too much time contemplating things, and when I do finally give my advice; it's too late. Or, my advice is bad. It's true.
Last night, my best friend told me that he's been cheating on his wife. His wife is a horrible person -- no, really. She is. Certifiably insane, even. But I'm still disappointed in him for what he did. I think I am anyway. Maybe I'm still too shocked to think rationally. I don't really blame him.
He is filing divorce papers today & he wants my advice. I have no idea what to tell him.
See, here's the thing: I feel like it's partly my fault. I introduced him to the woman with whom he is having the affair. And she's married, too.
Fuck fuckety fuck.
She just emailed me to say that she's in love with him. And she wants my advice, too.
My advice is: don't listen to me. Ever.
COMMENTS
So that knowing advice for the penile wart cream for your mate was also pants as well then ^^
ha ha ha.... ewwww.
Can I hold you to that?
Maybe I'm cold hearted... Well that's not a maybe. If given the chance I would run a woman named Barbara over with a spiked steamroller.
Regardless of your advice, these are two adults. Unless you introduced them at a "Make Nice Nice" club, why feel guilty? People screw up and maybe this isn't even a screw up.
Just say falk it. No really, the L somehow makes it strange.
I'm with Morri on this one. People make their decisions. They are adults. You didn't force them together. Odds are without your help he would have found someone else eventually anyway... and she probably would have too.
You work at an Ad company, people are moved by your every Blurb.
It is not your " fault"
in the long run you are saving your friend from insanity by proxy.
oh, I know. But with advertising I'm not really taking any responsibility for the message. I can only make consumers aware. I rely on the client to take over once the consumer has acted on the message.
I never have to see the consequences.
Not like this.
LMAO!! Whoa, you should really just become a mime!
So do the "gray shades" of dumped apply here at all ya think?
Bizarro. The ice cream man just drove down the street playing effin' Christmas songs LOUDLY.
WTF? It's June, dude.
COMMENTS
I feel your pain.. There is this demonic ice cream truck that goes driving around here close to sunset with music blaring.
Creepy as all hell. I shouldn't have read "IT"....
LMAO
LMAO - Thanks! I needed a laugh!
(Note: I'm sure he's a recent immigrant who doesn't know any better)...
Hmmm, maybe it was a test of a new S. King book?
xD
HAHAHHA
Christmas songs??
Maybe this is what all those "Santa's" do when they don't dress up??
Ice Cream Man...
::shivers with fear::
CLOWNS.................... *Shudder*
Maybe he thought he had to get it in early, to beat the other blokes.
3 more months and there will be xmas stuff in the shops ^^
How surreal is that?
If it had been Barry Manilo, then it would have been an omen!
I'm surprised he wasn't playing Jonas Brothers and yelling "XBox!" out the window.
Give him a few years.
You want WTF? Try every day year round with the same song day in and day out all day every day circling your parking lot like a pastel vulture. Who the hell sells jalapeno Popsicles? No warning signs or anything. You can't trust ice cream truck guys. There was one who had 2 songs. Teddy Bear pick nick for just ice cream for sale days and a lullaby for when he had meth to sell. I'd have thought something a little speedy and maybe PUNK-esque would be better for advertising but I guess too obvious. Maybe that's the real deal behind the Christmas music? Weed popsicles. Why not? They already have jalapeno. Which Christmas song is it? Let it snow could be for cocaine. God rest ye merry gentlemen? Hmmm Heroin? Silent night? Uh... Dude someone died last night.
Frosty the snowman? Probably crack.
*Twilight theme song*
......
I woke up this morning CONVINCED that it was Monday.
After 15 minutes of angry panic, I realized it was Sunday. But, at that point, I was already awake. I took the dogs for a 3-mile jog with lots of stops for the required sniffing and pausing to bark at squirrels.
So now I'm drinking coffee & planning my day.
Just outside my window, a spider has caught a centipede in her web. I can't help but feel a little sorry for the centipede. It doesn't stand a chance.
Slowly, deliberately, she applies her poison.
Then she has her breakfast.
...as I sip my coffee and munch on a bagel.
The spider is more vampire than I will ever be. Fair enough, I say. But part of me is quite glad that the bagel isn't kicking me in the face as I eat it.
COMMENTS
That is only because of condiments, it is a known fact that plain bagels do more than kick you in the face- they do kung fu in your gut. Depending on the condiments you used, will depend on how weak your bagel really was.
Who needs venom with stuff like that?
At least the centipede has enough legs to poke the spider in all of her eyes...
Mmm.. bagel....
imagine waking up monday thinking it is sunday...lol
I'll have peanut butter on my bagel please?
I love days like that. You know, the sudden, 'Holy cow, I get another day with no work!'
So did you offer some jam or anything to the spider? Eating a plain centipede might not be all that tasty. Lots of drumsticks though. I bet spider kids love them. MMMM a couple of centi drumsticks and some potato bug salad. You could have a good old fashion Sunday picnic. And if the ants attack...eat them for desert with some honey.
you replacement friend
S
It's still sunday currently. Coffee is always a good thing. Good thing bagels are just food and not a creature taht was once alive. should of given the spider some coffee to go with breakfast.
If you catch a bagel in the wild it really puts up a fight.
I thought it was Monday on Saturday...
One day I'm going to get round to eating a bagel, never had one before.
THAT IS IT.
Sinora- out. You can't read any more journals until you try a bagel.
OMG the gall....
*giggles and runs off*
Never had a bagel????
wow.
someone give her a toasted bagel QUICK!
I have heard that the venom puts the prey in estatic numb.. What a way to die. True being caught initially in the web sucks, but once a spider hits you with the venom .. Trippin'!
What I want to know is why you didn't eat the spider with the baget, and use the centerpede as tooth pick!
Yeah yeah...you're so American. You know, if you had to slaughter your own bagels, you might think twice about eating them. All packaged and sitting on the shelf, they're appealing cuz some poor schmo had to do your dirty work. God, I hope it was a free range bagel at least :(
And wash your hands after you put them in the toaster...filthy creatures.
ThothLestat's Handy Guide to Deciphering VR Profiles.
PART 1: reading between the lines.
Here's a fellow, let's call him HandsomeVampireDude (the name has been changed to protect the stupid). He's charming, confident, seemingly well-adjusted. He's a smooth-talker, which is an advantage in this highly-competitive environment.
Let's listen for his mating call:
Quote: I GAT TO BE CUZ SEA IS OUR LIMIT
Excellent! You see, it's all about getting noticed. He hasn't spotted us, so let's move a little closer and listen in as he sings his ritualistic love song...
no one know my struggle....yeh I'm looking for alady who's open minded to have correspondence with...
I'm a strong, sexy, smart, independent male with many goals and lots of drive. I love to have fun and i need a real lady by my side to hold it down with. I need a lady with good conversation, intelligence, street smarts and one who will knows how to treat a man...'''''blood ticker that water'''''
Splendid! Although it doesn't seem like it; there is a LOT going on under the surface here.
Let's break it down:
I GAT TO BE CUZ SEA IS OUR LIMIT
I'll be honest; I don't know what this means. I think he's saying that he's a pirate. For your love. Yarrr.
no one know my struggle
no one ever will.
(insert sad emoticon here)
....yeh I'm looking for alady who's open minded to have correspondence with...
I think this translates as:
'I just want to chat, that's all. I need someone who will listen to me blah blah blah about my old car or about my newest pair of Nikes, or my latest conspiracy theory. I just wanna dream out loud about how rich I'm gonna be.... some day.... We can discuss your credit cards and check routing numbers later.'
I'm a strong, sexy, smart, independent male with many goals and lots of drive.
I'm currently unemployed. But I have my own place. The bad news is: the rent is due. And the phone has been disconnected. Good thing for public libraries and Hotmail accounts! Hey, can I borrow a few dollars?
I love to have fun and i need a real lady by my side to hold it down with.
...but being unemployed won't keep me from going out for drinks, dancing, eating food off your plate, or 'whatever'. I hope you don't mind picking up the tab.
I need a lady with good conversation, intelligence, street smarts and one who will knows how to treat a man...'
'My last girlfriend wouldn't put up with my shit for long. Then, she got all mad at my unemployed ass and stopped giving me the sexy time. She refused to break into cars with me when i needed money. According to this restraining order, I cannot come within 1000 feet of her. I hate her. And her lawyer.'
''''blood ticker that water'''''
'I am willing to date my cousin, if need be. '
And that concludes today's lesson.
I hope this helps.
Warmest regards,
me.
*hat tip to Leinth*
COMMENTS
I'm kinda in love with you. Don't tell my husband.
Wow... that answers a lot of questions.
I'd love to get your take on vamp11's profile....
~dies~ Nice job.
dude, how many times do i gotta tell you? Vamp11 means EVERY word he says! No translation needed! Magnetic vampires are REAL. He was betrayed by Count Blacula and imprisoned in another dimension by the FDA.
It can't be any clearer.
It's all documented.
OMG!!! *wipes the tears from her eyes as she continues laughing* That was too entertaining...*hides her profile from him and hopes for the best*
As Images said... and I don't have a hubby to worry about. ;) lol
How long did it take you to actually translate all of that ? lol
*love*
You are soooooo my hero!!!!
*tips hat*
I aim to please, ma'am(s).
Um. Is there a ThothLestat fanclub i can join?
this is pretty much it!
there's soda in the fridge...
Nifty. Jackets would be neat. haha.
Oh my God, TL...this made my day. You are too goddamned funny...I can't stop laughing! Thanks!
Do you have a big dick? Cause if you do- I love you too- and I'm surprisingly single.
If you don't, well let's be friends where I can flirt with you lots.
*tries really hard to keep a straight face, and FAILS*
*cough* it's huge *cough*
blood ticker that water.. oh man, this is too much..
...water infested with bloody ticks?
Laughs hysterically............ I think you may of outdone yourself...........
Funny, I didn't see in the translation anywhere that this putz was sterile. =/
One can hope.
Have to join the fan club on this one.. that was hysterical and needed that laugh greatly.. Thank you~
Don't know if I've ever commented on anything you've written in your journal this takes the cake. Very intresting conclustions with a well thought out though process to the answers you reveal. Beyond brillant.
OMG, ROFL!! ............huge huh?
*waves hand* I want to join the fan club. I looked in the fridge, didn't see much, so I brought a cheese tray and some drinks.
LOVE IT!
HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You made my friggin day...
and you rock...
You are too funny xD
omg i'm laughing so hard my sides hurt. you need to post more of these
COMMENTS
-
Joli
23:04 Jun 28 2009
Ok, now I see why I like you so much! If Morri were a boy...
Morrigon
23:11 Jun 28 2009
O.O
Pai's full name is really Pai-in-the-face.
CelestiaNocturne
03:37 Jun 29 2009
Outstanding.
dabbler
22:49 Jun 29 2009
Then I would name mine Duck, and we could use the same dog walking service..
CryingDutchess
00:56 Jun 30 2009
Well, *gasps for air* started to leave a comment, but caught dabbler's response!XDD
That f*cker just won the booby prize!
ThothLestat
02:51 Jun 30 2009
nicely played, Dab.