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I'D LOVE TO GET ON YOUR CALENDAR!
13:17 Jan 29 2010
Times Read: 784

How NOT to sell your ad network to an agency...



This is the email I received at work:

(the names have been changed to protect the imbecilic)



Message subject: I'd love to get on your calendar!



"Hello, ThothLestat! I wanted to touch base via email, since it’s sometimes easier to respond this way. I am the National Interactive Sales Manager for Blah-blah-blah Inc. based out of Atlanta.

I have been meeting with all of the top-tiered online ad agencies in the Atlanta market giving them an in depth presentation on where we are in the online market space and possible opportunities for their clients.



I’d love to meet with your team of interactive planners (both on the search and online media side).



In the meantime, can you send me a client roster and tell me a little about your clients' online needs?

Thanks in advance for your help, and I look forward to meeting with you and the team.



D.O. Uchehammer

National Interactive Sales Manager

I Can't Believe It's an Ad Network &trade Our tagline includes two exclamation points!!"





-------------------------



Wow.

I don't know where to start.



In the time you spent writing all that, you could have actually visited out website and seen our list of clients.



Then, you could have visited our clients' websites and seen for yourself what might be relevant to them.



You might have noticed that some of our clients are charities, and others are 'business-to-business' entities, and some are small, privately-owned companies with very localized trade areas and serve specific niches.

Instead, you want to set up a meeting with me so I can explain all this to you.



And you even included a meeting request (!!) with your email that automatically set up a meeting on my calendar, which I must respectfully decline.

Technology is supposed to make people smarter, not lazier. And you are insufferably lazy.

I know that you didn't write that email, you're cutting-and-pasting the same message to every agency in the Atlanta area.

I have friends at other agencies, you know.

We talk.



Do your homework.

Act like you care.

Show me that you are capable of doing the most basic form of research.



p.s. We're not a top-tiered online ad agency. We don't even have 'interactive planners'.

p.s.s I don't even know how you found my contact info. I'm not even listed on our website.



*meeting request declined*



Have a nice day.

ACK!
19:40 Jan 27 2010
Times Read: 804

Apparently I'm not authorized to download & install software on the computer at work. 99% of the time, this isn't a problem since there isn't anything I ever need to install. But today, I had to install software that imports zip codes & county data and creates maps.



See, we use these maps to target our clients' offers and mailings -- or, as you refer to it; junk mail.



Yay! Maps!

Yay! Junk mail!



I know, it sounds like TONS of fun.

Sometimes, dear reader, it is.

It is.



Now, my computer wouldn't let me install the mapping software so I had to go over to the interns' station -- apparently the old PCs in the interns' station will allow just about anyone to install software because they're on a different server. Seems like a terrible security risk to me, but, feh, that's a topic for another day.



It's not my department.



Let me just say... the computers over in the interns' station are about 5 or 6 years old. That doesn't sounds so bad, but they're ANCIENT in computer years.



And I don't think they have EVER been cleaned. Not even dusted. Ever. Not even accidentally.



There was so much crud & grit in the keyboards they crunched when you pushed 'em hard enough. And the mouse ball was covered in an oily sticky mixture of dust, crumbs, and debris.



I used compressed air to blow the crud out of everything and it felt like sand and hair blew into my eyes.



Fuck.

You interns are disgusting.



Nasty. Nasty. Nasty.

I spent three hours on that nasty old computer.

I don't think my hands will ever get clean.



( My maps are beautiful, by the way. )

( pieces of art, really. )

DEAF
19:40 Jan 26 2010
Times Read: 830


Dude. What did I just say?



I said the client isn't interested in Prime TV programs or high-rated Sports on the network. My client barely has an advertising budget, and spending it all on a few spots in American Idol isn't something they prefer to do.



So what did you send me?



A NASCAR sponsorship.

of a single race broadcast.

*blank stare*



Now, we could have a philosophical debate about whether or not motorsports should be considered a 'professional sport' -- and that you're somehow not technically wasting my time with the offer -- but you're still missing my point. My client is going to say 'no'. I don't have to be clairvoyant to see how that conversation will go.



Look, I know the network wants you to sell these programs over others that are less profitable.



I get it.

I do.



But you're not listening to me.

You're completely deaf, man.

I hate repeating myself.



The code-word is: NO!

Jerk.