CRAP05:01 Dec 22 2010
Times Read: 761
And now; a special holiday rant, er, message from Mr. Thoth, the Marketing Guy..
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Look, friend, that ain't just a catchy bumper sticker or a funny Demotivator poster. No, siree. It's one of life's truest axioms.
Here's another:
You will never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator.
Combine these two tropes, and you have a
foolproof path to success in the entertainment industry! Guaranteed!
How else can one explain the popularity and relative success of such terrible ideas as:
1. The band GWAR
2. Larry the Cable Guy
3. anything on FOX Television or the USA Network
4. the demon-spawn known as Justin Bieber
5. everything touched by Tyler Perry (yes, I went there)
6. and the show;
Two and a Half Men -- towards which I shall direct most of my ire, forthwith.
(this is, by no means, a complete list)
Each one of these things listed above is a perfect example of everything that is wrong with a particular aspect of American pop culture & entertainment. In other words: it's CRAP.
I beg of you, dear reader, to explain these things to me in a way that elevates fart humor, mediocrity, cliche, ham-fisted stupidity, knuckle-dragging predictability, and lameness to a level worthy of Mankind's stature. You
can't. It cannot be done!
I know what you're gonna say. I can hear you already...
"But, Thoth, man.. that stuff's not THAT bad" or
"No way, man, Larry The Cable Guy is REAL!" or
"But, I kinda like Two and a Half Men.." and I can hear some of you saying
"Oh yeah, THIS coming from a guy who likes 80s metal and can't be bothered to read a book?" Look, dear reader, I hear you. I do. Don't make me hurt you. Listen to me. It's crap.
And these things are
designed to be crap. And not "crap" in a good way, like fried Twinkies or action movies starring Vin Diesel. Oh no, not at all. I mean "crap" quite literally.
Dammit, we humans conquered the land, defeated the elements, explored the world, built pyramids, and sent rockets into the heavens! And then -- to congratulate ourselves for our achievements -- we sit down and watch crap on tv. We tune in to watch Charlie Sheen pretend to be a full-grown womanizing ManBoy with an IQ just north of room temperature.
Except; he
isn't acting. He is just being himself. He really is a a full-grown womanizing ManBoy with a room-temperature IQ. He's the world's oldest adolescent, the Eternal Twenty-Something. He mugs his way through 22 insufferable minutes of predictable low-brow humor and predictably sexist punchlines. This isn't entertainment; it's self-abuse. It's bad for us. We deserve better.
Now, one of the perks of working in advertising -- besides free coffee, office supplies, and internet access -- is the endless supply of trade magazines and business journals to which I subscribe (see picture).
The ad above appeared in several advertising publications. It's what we call a 4-color Full Page Spread. And it was expensive. Somebody paid a lot to advertise this. This is
serious business, see? If that ad for
Two and a Half Men doesn't fill you with dread; then you're not truly alive.
It proudly states:
#1 SITCOM, 164 WEEKS IN A ROW! -- but that's not the scary part. That is merely the depressing part. The part that makes me fear for the future is the part that says:
Renewed by Tribune and Sinclair through 2021.
TEN fucking years! Long after the show has disappeared from the major network, the show will live on for at least 10 more years on TV stations (and cable networks) around the country. Coast to coast. I expect the global syndication rights to be similar. Look out, France! Heads up, New Zealand!
Why is that? The answer is as obvious as it is depressing: Because millions of people keep watching this shit.
If we learned anything from
According to Jim and
Wings and
Married with Children; it's that bad scripts never die easily. They linger on, like zombies. Forever shuffling their rotting feet and stumbling into our homes until every last one of us is infected. I say it's time to take a stand.
Dear reader, this holiday season I offer you some Christmas cheer, I raise a stein of stout eggy nog in your honor, and I beg of you: tell your friends, text your children, call your parents.. tell them to destroy their Justin Bieber CDs, burn their GWAR albums, stay away from anything created or produced by Tyler Perry -- but more importantly -- stop watching
Two and a Half Men. Do this, and the world will be a better place.
Even if it's just a little, hardly-noticeable, tiny bit better.
I'll notice. Believe you me, I will.
COMMENTS
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spookshow
15:43 Dec 30 2010
Death to the office jerks!
what a waste of floor space
and damn no pics of Thoth showing us his stuff lol
ThothLestat
15:53 Dec 30 2010
oh, I don't dance.
It's in my contract.
Deity
17:38 Dec 30 2010
That's such a shame. Dancing is essential to the well-being of the office party.
Shit, dancing is a vital part of life. When else can people shake their ass vigorously in public without fear of any ramifications? :p
Cinnamon
17:59 Dec 30 2010
Ever seen 13 Going On 30? Well, long story short: Jennifer Garner plays a character who as a 13 year old makes a wish to be a fabulous 30 year old. Wish granted--fast forward: 13 year old in a 30 year old's body at a lame office party (much like the one pictured). So what does she do? She requests Michael Jackson's Thriller from the DJ. Result: FUN!
Maybe you should have broken out the Thriller! ;)
ThothLestat
18:00 Dec 30 2010
I hear ya. And there are a lot of fun songs that -- while I may not like them, or that I might not dance to them -- I can have a good time listening to, and that LOTS of people like to dance to.
But, who the HELL would think that LIONEL RITCHIE songs would be fun at an office Christmas party?
Arrgh.
p.s. the ONLY song I could ever dance to is Brick House. Shh! Don't tell anyone.
Vampirewitch39
23:29 Dec 30 2010
*sings*
He's a brick house
Mighty might just lettin' it all hang out
;)
RedQueen
08:03 Dec 31 2010
Now see, I would pay good money to see that....lol
And I know JUST what you mean. And the really sad thing is, some of these people throwing christmas parties or wedding receptions hire dj's that are every bit as bad, all in the name of saving money.
Or cousin reject is talked into hooking his iPod into the computer system, and then singing karaoke to it....
And on and on....just one bartender's horror stories, a few among many...
DestroyingAngel
10:21 Jan 15 2011
*cannot stop laughing*
:P