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I wonder what is wrong with me. I mean why can’t there be some one out there that’s just for me. Some one that doesn’t have a wife or a significant other. What’s wrong with me, that I only seem to attract people who are already taken whether they know it or not. I am a good person, I know I am. Why can’t there have been just some one out there that was single like me and just looking?



But then I wonder…..well maybe that’s just the way my life is suppose to be. Maybe I am not suppose to have some one of my own. Maybe I am just suppose to be here to help others through their relationships. I mean, most of the married men in my life never left their wife for me. Which is fine. Some how I was able to give them what they were missing (it wasn’t always about sex either) and I also helped them see what they were missing in their marriage and they would be able to fix it. I do feel good knowing that I have actually helped marriages more times than I have damaged them.



Yes, I have some one very special in my world. I adore him to no end. He makes me laugh, makes my heart pitter patter. I just enjoy being with him as much as I can. But today he had to have a talk with a friend that seems to have thought they had much more than friendship. And I feel horrible that he and she had words over his and my new found love. I don’t want him to lose friends because he has met me. I mean what happens if we don’t work out. Your friends should be there for you…..and what if they aren’t because they were hurt so badly by me being in his life.



I am so scared that I may mess things up once again. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. I don’t want to mess up…..I am getting too old to keep making the same screw ups. And I don’t want to be alone forever. I fear that above all else.

Ok so I forgot that the boys were off school today.....and just remembered yesterday. Normally my parents would have been home to watch them. But they are off in Bermuda this week. So.....I called the ex yesterday and asked him if he had remembered and he said yes. I asked him if he had someplace for the boys to go. No he said. "I figured you would take care of that". I said well my parents arent home and I forgot. Which is rare but obviously I am human. It can happen from time to time.

Well he got all pissed at me. Because he just assumed that I would take care of it all. Dang...he hasnt changed one bit .......its always my responsibility no matter what is going on. Well I managed to pull a few tricks out of my hat last night. And the boys will be taken care of today. But, why cant he ever just once.....take responsibility and get things set up.

ugh....I try not to let it bug me since it has been this way for over 10yrs now....but grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh yeah, forgot to tell you it only took three days but, my water heater has been fixed YaY. One of my agents fixed it for me at no charge....that was so nice of em.

Every thing seems to be running fairly smooth now.

Wow I can't believe how quickly the days are flying by. It seems that I just had my birthday and now.....Its nearly November already.

The weather has changed to fall and has settled in....Im in my comfort zone in this season. Pretty soon I will need to find that darn travel case and get to packing it....lol.....

Ok journal today is going to be a better day. Just keep saying that and it will happen.

Think possitive Aumm

Well hell~ the number 23 did a number on me today.



Man.....one thing after another.....today...first Amanda called, cant come in has pink eye in both eyes.....gonna be out for two day...

then, get to work and my system was totally down most of the day...and my hot water heater still isn't fixed...then I got home tonight and thought I would check on my flight information and make sure it went through the credit card ok........lol.....well I have TWO charges on my credit card for my ticket. OMG! I called American Airlines and they have me booked and I have only one booking with them. Now I have to wait for my dad to get home this weekend to find out wtf! is going on that I got two charges to my credit card.......



Breathe, breathe deep........chant it will only get better, tomorrow is a new day, no worries.....the full moon is just a day or so away...it will get better.

Well I went to the school meetings and the boys are doing pretty good in school. They did recommend more studying but that is always.

I am very proud of the boys they seem to try at times.

Good grief! If its not one thing its another.......sigh.....

Friday my car was acting dumb...ended up costing me over $100 to get it worked on....then today the water heater is acting up. One of my agents came over to look at it....re lit it and said if it goes out again it is the Thurmo Cuppler whatever that is...lol...well guess what! Yep...got home tonight and no freaking hot water! Ugh.....now I have to figure out how and where to get one of these things and find someone to fix it. He showed me it was on top of the house....lovely....I dont have a ladder even. Oh these are the days I wish there was a man around or that I was butch enough to do it all.

Hey there journal....

Well what a crazy night. I had a sex toy party and about a dozen horny women lol.......

They all had a great time...ate drink and bought lots of stuff. It was a fun time. We all joked about the vibrators and different lotions and all...I think the two biggest hits were anal ease and like a virgin...lol....all the girls really had fun.

Thats what counts.

Any who....they are all gone and I am dead beat. Good night my sweets

Hi ya journal~



Well I booked my flight last night YaY!

I leave in exactly 10 weeks from today.....omg!

So everything is done and ready. Just waiting for the days to pass.



I am so excited! I think I have already started packing as well...how crazy is that.

But I am a show me kinda girl so I wont fully be hit with this trip till I am stepping off the plane in Stansted.

Hi ya journal...

Not much going on tonight.. Took my boys to Hooters for supper ....it was Seans 11th b-day. I have maded this a tradition with them now. I take them every year and buy them a shirt for the girls to all sign. Its just something between them and me.

I love watching them have so much fun. They are so comfortable just being w/ me and having a good time.

OMG my passport is here already!

I am just still holding my breath...the fates are working like busy bees around me these days.

Everything is falling right into place. I am just holding on and enjoying the ride. Everything happens for a reason. I love the Fates right now.

First the meeting, then the omg how bout I just come over, then vacation totally available, then passport ordered no problems, then the boys out of school and will already be gone anyways.

Woo hoo......

Whew what a day.



Today I had Seans bday party. It was a good day but very busy. Lots going on.

I made a huge pot of chili.....only had one bowl left. The kids ran around like crazy critters :) TG it was nice outside! I think I would have o/d on something if I had to keep them in side all day.

I made my first cookie cake..... it was pretty good. .....needed to stay in a bit longer....*take mental note* but that is nearly gone now too. I guess it taste good.

This weekend seems to have just flown by so fast. I am both glad and sad. ..........

Right now I just want to lay on the couch and fall asleep.......but wait....I hear my name being called.....ugggggghhhhh .....I am so gonna change it.....lol

see ya in a bit

You know......

One minutes I am on top of the world and the next minute all I see is burning embers all around.

I feel like I am in a whirlwind........everything spinning so fast and furious. My feet never toching the ground.....then reality sets in and hits my so hard slamming back down to the pits of hell. Reminding me what I am and that I dont deserve any kindness.

I always hold my breath, hmmmm its amazing I am still lving.....as much as I hold it.

when something wonderful is going on I have a tendance to hold wait....something will fuck up.....guarenteed.

I am my own worst enemy...Its good to know so I dont go blaming someone else. There is only me to blame if something should go wrong.

Sigh......it gets old....very old....being so happy only to have it torn away....

So why do I keep going back for more?

OMGosh...its getting closer to my trip...its like a dream right now. I am afraid to wake up. I want to stay in this dream and enjoy every moment. Please dont wake me....let me enjoy my beloved dream.

Hmmmm I feel the need to write but I am not sure where to start.....this may go all over the place.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Fate rules my life. Sometimes, everything seems to just go wrong. No matter what I say or do. Things just fall apart. Then there are days when everything just happens and makes me smile.

I try to never get my hopes up I don't like dissappointment, ha who does right. So I try never to put expectations on anything or anyone. Just let it be......I think that was a song...lol

Sigh......I dont know I just try to live everyday to its fullest and come what may. I dont want to be 80 yrs old sitting in a rocker on a porch, alone, looking back over my life and wonder, "WHAT IF",

What if .....I took that offer to go to Notre Dame (I wonder that one now)

What if ......I would have gone on more trips

What if .....I would have married that one guy....



I dont want to have all those what ifs

I want to look back and say.......WOW I did all that.....

Eh, I dont know......I try not to let things pass me by. I am a doer. I am a liver. I love living and want to live as much as possible.......even if I get my heart broke a thousand times, I will have at least had a chance to love...even if it was for only a little while.

OMGoodness journal. I cannot believe how much this place has changed. I had a very hard time with where to go. First I was kidnapped...then I was released only to have to go run and hide...which I don't do, mind you....lol

WoW. ...... I have landed in a home that seems to be pretty cool so far. They even have a bar! Woo Hoo I am sure I will be hanging there :)



But, I dont know what to say about this....I love VR very much I have met some very close friends here I have friends here that know more about me than some of my family....lol....I am glad to be back Home here on VR.

OMG Journal......I cannot believe I havent told you....crap please forgive me...everyone else in my world has heard!!!!



I am going to the UK....YaY.........*does happy dance in chair*

I orderd my passport on 10-3 should have it by the first of Dec. if not sooner. I will wait till the end of this month and book my flight.....ok if I can wait till then....I check the flights everyday....

I am feeling like this is all a dream...I suppose because I have been let down so often that ....I wont believe it to be real till I am stuck in JFK airport running for my connection flight....and then....I still will just be numb untill I see into those wonderful eyes....

So more about that moral thing.....I guess that is what you would call it...



I guess part of what else brought this up is that I met a wonderful man. OMG he is awesome...

and I look at me and my ways and I look at him and think.....please God don't let me screw this up.

I am not scared of much....very little in fact. However...I am my own worst enemy. I really like this guy and I know my nature.....I am working on being more concious of my actions. Its a little wierd but Im trying. I just......ughh .....I just want to be a better person and treat him the way he treats me and give him the respect that he deserves.......

Hey there journal......I had lunch with my mom today and we had a wonderful chat....it was so intense on some levels. I love her so much for sharing with me and letting me share with her....



I was driving home from the country today, alone listening to the radio and thinking about people in my life......

thinking on past loves, lovers....people that could have been but weren't and such....

then I started to cry..... got thinking about getting my cross tattoo soon and having it blessed....but would a priest bless it?...what sort of morals do I have that I would deserve the blessing.....



I dont put much into the marriage thing.....why?

I have spent time with more married men than not. The way I saw it .......I wasn't the one cheating and had nothing to lose...and he wouldnt be some one I want to be with all my life anyway.....if he is cheating on his wife with me.....what would stop him from doing the same to me. Married men are safe! LOL>......I wouldn't have to worry about them wanting more from me than I was willing to give.

God that is aweful ! What kinda of person does that make me?

I talked to my mom about this....I cried....she said I am not a bad person.....but I feel like one.



My only convictions are my family. They are above anything in this world..they are my everything. I would kill and I would die for them without batting an eye......

Good morning journal~

I just wanted to say and well I am so happy. there are so many things going on in my world...nostly all good. I feel like I am holding my breath and waiting for the other shoe to fall....or pass out..lol.....I am trying to keep my feelings all in check and not get over excited about things....I have been let down hard in the past and well now I am just a bit gunshy....

I am trying to just take things as they are and not stress or worry about teh what ifs......life is too short to worry aout the what ifs.......ok I will chat with you again it a bit

COMMENTS

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BLOODLIFE
11:12 Aug 02 2008

Damn if I missed all your early entries .. lol

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POST COMMENT

Ok this place is so very ...intoxicating! I find myself trying to get here as often as possible. This place is home, was home to me years ago. It was / is my safe place. where I can go and just relax and chill out.....

I have never had a addiction ......well unless sex counts... but this place seems to be my addiction...

xoxoxo

Good evening my dearest journal~

I do hope to write in you at least every few days or so. I have to say that my life has taken on a very strange and exciting adventure. I am so glad to be back here on VR. I have missed this place so very much.

Isn't it amazing how when you stop looking and decide that this is it. And you decide that its just time to get comfortable with the way things are and bam! Someone walks into your world and wow.......everything goes topsi turvi....



But, now I feel like I need to be extremely caucious. I don't want to get hurt and I definately don't want to hurt anyone...so now its just a matter of starting over and remembering that I have learned from my misstakes.

Good morning journal.

How are you doing today? Me, Im doing just great. I am very glad to be back here on VR. There was a time that this place was so comforting and then it was invaded adn caused problems so I left. I was guyshy about coming back. Because I felt I had learned a lesson and so I shouldn't make the same mistake again. And here I am now .......and I am glad. I have learned my lessons well. I hope that I can be a better person and stay on the right path.

Good morning journal~

I don't expect anyone else to read this but maybe it will be good for me to write some.

Great, I have no idea what to say......

Well the sun isnt up yet, the boys are still sleeping, I have the windows open and the cool breeze of fall is blowing thru the house. Breathing in the freshness of fall. Today is the first of October YaY....my favorite month in the entire year!!

Well I have been here for just a week or so and can't believe how much I missed hanging out. If I had to confess of an addiction....I would say being here. So, I will try very hard not to let it suck me in so much. I don't have any addictions and certainly don't want any.

I suppose most of whats going to be dropped into this journal with be my random thoughts and such. Maybe then I can sleep better at night. You know get it out instead of holding it all in.



Berr, the breeze is chilly. Well I am just sitting here looking at the screen.....there are tons of things I want to write, but, not today....not right now...

Till the next time Love to you and Take care my dear journal.