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Right, so, I can't wait for July 9! Why, you ask? BECAUSE I GET MY NEW BLACKBERRY PEARL!! *uber excitement*



That's all. ^_^

I'm starting over. I'm moving on. No, I'm not completely over him, yet, and yes, I still love him very much, but being with him wasn't healthy. His secrets are out of the bag. I thought I knew the man I fell in love with, but I was very VERY wrong. I see him now for what he is. He lied and cheated on me from the beginning. I thought he was telling me everything. Nope. Totally didn't. He's getting married now. A girl about a month older than I am. It's not going to last, I know it, so does everyone around him. It simply won't last. But when it doesn't I'm not going to be there for him to come to. Not like I used to be. Sure, I'll listen to him and his problems, and yeah, I'll comfort him, but not like I used to.



So, I figured it was time for me to start a new chapter in my life. I'm an adult. I'll be 20 in October. I need to re-evaluate myself. I am my own person, and I need to start treating myself as such. I'm not going to look for another relationship. If the right person is out there for me, then they need to find me. I'm going to live my life the way I want to. I'm still going to have my daughter, but she just won't look exactly how I've seen her. She won't have his eyes. She's not going to be his. I'm going to have my daughter with someone who loves and respects me for me and who I am, not who I can be changed into, or broken into. I won't be broken again. I refuse. I'm hoping that my next relationship will start based on person to person interaction right off the bat, not over the net. I need to look into someones eyes and see what they're telling me with them. Eyes are the window to the soul, and I need to make sure they're not lying to me.



I want to travel. I love it. I want someone who is willing to say, ok... let's go. I want someone who understands me and supports me. I have many dreams. Many many dreams. I know that if I work at them, they can come true. I need to make something of myself. The person I'm with can't hold me back. They need to be there with me every step of the way, but also give me enough room to grow within myself. They need to be willing to grow too, not for me, but for them. I'm going to be happy with myself. I'm going to be my own person.



Here's to a new chapter in my life. Here's to a new beginning. Here's to happiness and fun. Here's to a new me.



^_^

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ThePinja
03:58 May 20 2008

The net, is a good and horrible thing. People hide things and leave open other things.



Don't just let someone come to you, but also look yourself when you are ready. Some of the most interesting, sincerest people can be some of the shyest.



Let yourself mend, and know what you want, and if he doesn't have the promise to become the things you need and want. It probably won't happen.

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TheVenus
04:09 May 20 2008

Very true. Thank you for your wisdom. :)

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unpretty
19:21 May 21 2008

Well, here is to the new chapters in anyone's life! -CHEERS- also, I had no idea that I am almost a year and half older than you! XD

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LordOfNoctemAeternus
06:21 May 27 2008

so I lied from the start? so the house is saying her and I won't last? ok good luck with your new life.

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I am disgusted. Truly and honestly disgusted. I want to go scrub my skin off my body then watch it and all the filth I allowed onto it go down the drain.



I am soooo ready to move on. Seriously. I can't take this shit anymore. Yeah, I still love him, but no, not like that. Not anymore. I've never been so repulsed by a person before. And to think, I gave him all of me. All of it.



At least now my eyes are open. I can see everything for what it is and for a what it was. I feel badly for this new so called mate of his. She has no idea what she's getting herself into. Actually, yes she does. She knew he was dating me when they started going out. I have no pity for her. None. And none for him, either. He plays the part of the victim very well. VERY well. That's how he got me to fall for him. Ironically, now it's that very act that repulses me so. Well... it's not the only thing, but it helps.



Yes, moving on is a lovely idea. I enjoy entertaining that thought very much. We've become friends, this thought and I. Very good friends. Hopefully in the fall when school starts back up again I'll be ready and willing to thrust myself back into the dating scene. I won't be as trusting as before, but as long as I get back on the horse, I think I'll be alright. I'm going to go for guys closer to my own age (both mentally and physically) and for guys in my own damn city. Lol. No more online dating bullshit. Nope. I want to meet a person face to face and look into their eyes and see if they're lying to me or not.



Hm.... I'm not ready for that yet, but the day will come when I am. *hyper smile* Oh yes, I'm excited.

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Redeemer1988
04:52 May 18 2008

(Just randomly browsing new journals)



Glad to hear that you're moving on from the situation :]



Online dating usually never works out. There's just too many trust issues invovled o.O



Good luck, and hope you have a great summer!

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My last journal entry was written entirely out of anger. There was some truth in it, but I wrote it because I was angry and hurt and pissed.

Karma is a bitch. You will both get what you deserve. You for actually cheating on me, and your new mate for knowing you were with someone else while you two started going out.



You want to know why there is so much drama within our house? It's because you cause it. You cause it. You fuck with everyone's emotions. You don't know how to treat people, and they were right. You don't know how to love. You don't. Love isn't possession. It's not do what I say if you love me. It's commitment. It's companionship. It's devotion. It's compromise.



You keep doing what you're doing. You're going to end up very alone and very sad. Karma. Karma always comes back to bite you in the ass. Always. She's going to leave you just like most of the other ones did. She's going to destroy you. You're letting a complete stranger into your house and your life, and the lives of your kids all over again.



You told me you were sorry. I believe you when you say you didn't mean to hurt me, but you know what? You did. You're not sorry. You keep doing the same shit over and over. You don't care about anyone but yourself. You're selfish. You're an asshole.



I hate. Oh yes, I hate. I hate your beloved Jenny. I've learned that I even hate you on some level. I need you to be dead to me. I need it. I can't live like this. You once loved me. You're going to fuck her up, too. Do you know what I hate about you most of all? I hate that you've captured my heart and that I can't get it back. I CAN'T GET IT BACK. You fucked me up, and if it weren't for the fact that I've already been fucked up, I'd be a royal fucking mess right now.



Actually, you're a perfect match for each other. You're both going to fuck each other up, and guess what, love... I'm not going to be around to pick up the pieces of your heart again. I did it when Janice left you, and all I got in return for that was heartache. You smashed my heart, and guess what? I actually hope she does the same to you.



So daddy dearest, have a good one. You won't see me when I'm up in VA this summer. Not if your whore is with you.



Yes, I now know exactly how Janice felt. Exactly. No, you didn't cheat on her, like you did to me, but I still feel her pain. I know why she hated me, and she had every right. I hated her too. God, help me, I did. I hated her. All of this drama in my life, all of it, is because of you. All of it.



What kills me most is that your whore is going to be living in the same place I once came to consider home. She's going to be sleeping in the same bed we shared. She's going to be saying good night to the child I came to regard as my son. She's going to be spending time with your other two children, eventually. Eve isn't going to like her. You know it. She's going to have a fit. But Brandon.... Oh God. I love him so much, and now he's hers.



Do you have any idea how badly you screwed me over? Do you? I won't say sorry. Not any more. I didn't do anything wrong. This was all you. Karma wasn't getting me back for anything I did, after all, I've never cheated on anyone ever. This was you racking up more karma. Congrats, love. You're screwing yourself over.



You'll be getting your stuff back, don't you worry. All of it. I want all of my stuff back, too. My guns stay with me. You do not get them. The DVD is to be destroyed. The memories I have of VA will also be deleted from my computer and myspace. I can't take it. You were everywhere in my life. I thought I'd found my home. I was so wrong it's not even funny. Now you're nowhere in my life, but your essence is still lingers. It hurts. I cry myself to sleep every night because of you.



Have a good life. Enjoy your happiness while you can.

Every time I think I'm getting better at this and moving on, something comes back to haunt me. Memories, dreams. Anything. We talk on the phone. You say you love me. I purposely don't say it back. It's not because I don't love you. I do. I'm still in love with you, and I don't think that will change. I don't say it back because if I do, I'm reminded of how it was when we were together. When we were mates. It hurts. Those were happy memories. From a time when I was genuinely happy.



You're coming down to Florida. It hurts, because I know you're not coming to see me. You're going to see your new mate, your new love. God help me, it stabs at my heart. I'm watching someone take my place. I'm watching someone else lay in your arms.



Your words are cruel. I know you don't mean them to be, but they are. They fill me with a false hope. A hope that we could be together again, but we can't. You've moved on. I'm still in the same mess you left me in. I've fallen from grace. Your grace. I can't get back up. It hurts too damn much.



I'm afraid to talk to you. I'm afraid I'll fall for you all over again. I do, every single time we speak. But I can't anymore. I can't. I need to move on. But something is still telling me to stay. Damn the thing that tells me to stay! I hate it!



You say you love me. I know you do. But when you tell me you still love me, it hurts. It's like your saying, "I love you... just not that way." I never knew I love you could be a rejection. I never knew it could hurt so much to hear. I remember when I first told you I loved you. I remember it like it was yesterday. God, what I wouldn't give to re-live life from that moment. From the moment I first spoke to you. It was perfect. A 15 minute phone call. That's all it was, but for the first time, I felt like I was talking to someone who cared. I loved you before I met you. Long before. I fell in love with you in my dreams. Now, I'm alone. I have no one. I can't call you just to tell you I love you. I can't call you and tell you I miss you. I can't call you just to talk. I did that when I was your girlfriend. Your mate. When the love I have for you was given right back to me.



I know that when we met it wasn't quite the right time. Janice had left and you were trying to get your kids back. God, I never thought I'd end up in her shoes. I hate it. I really do. I'm alone. Completely alone. I'm watching you through a window. My hell is a lonely and cold one. I walk around with my heart in my hands. I offered it to you once. You took it, and smashed it, then gave it back. Now, it's broken and ugly, and not even I want it.



I don't want to feel anymore. I want to be numb. I want to be freed of this hell people call love. Love is nothing more than a heart breaker. It messes with you until there's nothing left. For me, love = hell. There's no other way around it. I always get hurt. I'm the one who gets the short end of the stick. Always.



Do I remember what it was like when we made love? Oh God, yes. I remember it so vividly. Another memory I no longer want. It hurts. I remember our first kiss. God torments me with it while I sleep. He forces me to re-live it over and over. Our first kiss, hug, walk together. The first time we held hands, made love, slept together. All of these. Just memories. That's all they'll be. But I gave myself to you a little bit more with each one, until I'd given you all of me. You had, and still have, all of me, Ryu. You've had me since I was 17 years old, long before I even knew you existed. Long before either one of us realized the other actually walked the planet.



I still have hope for us, but that hope is so small. It's the size of a tiny ember, and I'm watching it. It grows smaller and smaller with each passing day. Only time will tell what's instore for us. Only time.

Yeah, so last night something, or someone, decided to over feed from me while I slept. I went to bed feeling fine, then I woke up from a rather realistic feeling dream, and couldn't stand. I felt everything spin, and I just wasn't in good shape at all. I've felt weak all day. I'm well enough now to actualy move about without feeling as though I'm gonna fall over, but still...



Actually, that's pretty much it.





Grrr.....

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unpretty
18:36 May 11 2008

That sucks majorly like a sucker fish. Hopefully you get to feeling better.

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Life isn't fair. I've known that my whole life. But why is that that I always get the short end of the stick? Did I seriously fuck up that badly in a previous life, or is the higher power using me to get a good laugh every now and then?



Taking a look at the relationships I've had, I've come to realize something. I am not girlfriend material. I'm just not. Cory cheated on me, Kyle fucked with my emotions, Anthony fucked me up, and I'm pretty sure he was messing around with some other chick, and Ryu, the only man I ever gave my heart to, smashed it because I fucked up somewhere. How is it that the guys I pick end up being total assholes? I don't understand it. But you know what? It's fine that I don't understand it. It really is. You wanna know why? Simple. I refuse to put myself in that type of situation ever again. I refuse. I will not give my heart to anyone again. I will not fall in love. I will have my child [if her father chooses to be in her life, then fine, that is his choice, but I will not force him to be, nor will I be expecting it.] and I will live with her in the house I've designed.



I'm fucking done with all this bullshit. I give myself to people and all I get is pushed around, used, betrayed. No more. I'm done. I don't need a man to complete me. I don't need someone to come home to. I don't need the big family I drempt about. I don't need any of it. I don't need someone to tell me I'm beautiful even when I'm having a really bad day. I don't need someone to listen to me.



I want someone like that, but I don't need one.



I'll be just fine on my own. I'm a strong girl, I can take care of myself. I had to pick myself back up, dust myself off, and keep moving. I've watched as the people I've become used to and the one I love leave me for something better. I'm not enough for them? Ok, fine. I won't give them the chance to realize it.



Everyone I've dated knows I'm terrified of getting hurt or heartbroken. The thing is that they just don't seem to care.



I was there when they needed help and advice, but they left me stranded when I was in need of comfort and support and reassurance. No matter. I'm stronger now. I've been jaded when it comes to that kind of love.



This does not mean I do not wish to become friends with people. Nor does it mean that when the time comes for me to have my child that I will be stoic to her. I will be loving and kind to my friends, and even more so to my child. This also doesn't mean that I won't stop loving my 'former step kids'. I love them with all my heart. All of them. I always will. Seeing Brandon again is going to be a bitch on my emotions, but I'll deal, just as I always have.



I do this because I'm afraid of getting hurt again. I'm tired of it. My heart can't take anymore of this. I honestly thought I wouldn't have to go through this again, but I have, and this is the last time.



Anyways, my rant is over now. Do with it what you wish. I'm going to go off and watch TV and forget that I was ever in love with anyone.

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unpretty
15:30 May 10 2008

I am glad that you're getting back on your feet. ^.^

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Ryu and I broke up. And I told myself I was ok with it. I honestly thought I was. After all, I'd rather have it ended than have me hurting and knowing what was instore for me... Right?



Oh... I was very wrong. I told myself I'd be ok. I'm not. I miss them more than you can imagine. I say them because not only did I lose my mate (actually, I lost him long ago, I just didn't realize it until recently) and the man I truly fell in love with, but I also lost my step kids. I my heart, they're still my mate and my kids. My family. The ones God put on this Earth to be my family until death did we part. But my mind knows the truth. They aren't. Ryu is no longer my mate, and his kids are no longer mine. Ryu is my sire and the lord of my house. I no longer hold sway over him like a girlfriend/mate does. And the kids are no longer my step kids. They are my sire's children. Children whom I love with all my heart and soul. Children I fell in love with, and who I considered my own. I will always love them, but I'll be holding back now when and if I see them. I know I'll see my Brandon again, but I don't know about my Cris and Mia. Letting go of them is one of the hardest thing's I'll ever have to do. I still see them as being mine. They are my kids. I didn't give birth to them, and I've only known them a short amount of time, but they are still my kids. Or rather... They were.



Ryu... My love. It kills me to see you in love with someone else, when I'm still in love with you. Especially since there was no time for me to get over you. You've hurt me. You smashed my heart, but I'm still in love with you. I will always love you. Always. You're the man I litterally dreampt about while I was being emotionally abused by Anthony. I knew your laugh before I ever heard your voice. I dreampt of all of your kids. Hell, I even drempt of us getting married. All before I ever knew you existed. I honestly believed we'd be together until we died. I didn't have dreams about another man while dating you. Ever. I guess you're all I never knew I always wanted. My only regret is that I can't take back what I said to make you fall out of love with me. Valantine's Day and our anniversary makes sense to me now. You'd stopped being in love with me by that point. I just wish I could take back the things I ever said to make you stop loving me as a mate. I regret them deeply. However, you have found your soulmate, and though I wish it were me, it isn't. I wish you both all the happiness and luck I have left to offer. After all, I've given you the rest of me... It's only fair that I give you that part of me, too. I'm sorry I can't give you anymore. I've given you all I have to give. It didn't prove to be enough, and for that, I'm truly, deeply sorry.

Yes... I'm hurting terribly. I want nothing more than to be struck down, but I know that that's not what life has in store for me. I have no clue what life has in store for me anymore, but being struck down isn't it. I've lost the man I love more than anything else in this world, and it was my fault. I feel Ayame and cry. I push her away. A part of me want's nothing to do with her. After all, she's the daughter you and I were supposed to have together. If I don't have you, it's like God's playing a horrible game with what's left of my heart. The other part of me wants nothing more than to hold her and fall asleep with her in my arms. But she's nothing more than a spirit wandering around. You can't hug and hold and spirit, but they can touch you. She grabbed my hand today while I was pacing in my bathroom. I yanked it away from her and told her to pretty much fuck off. I didn't want her. That's what I said, and I regreted that the second it came out of my mouth, too.



My memories haunt me. You haunt me. Watching you being happy with your soulmate haunts me. But I'll wear a smile for you, if that is your wish, M'Lord. After all, I'm yours. I always will be. Loyal, as always, to the very end. Only this time, I'll be watching someone else take my place.



I hope you're happy, my love. I really truly do. I hope she brings you the happiness I once brought to you, only I hope she knows how to keep you happy. I love you, Peter, with all my heart.