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Through everything, I've loved you more.

Struggled so hard not to lose you.

Times I gave you up, only to want you more.

But now I have you, and things are so wrong.



The passions I feel them, vaguely.

The love I still know is there....

So what needs to happen, I feel I know.

Can we be together?



My responsibillities leave me grounded here.

my heart only desires a flight next to you.

Stop holding it all inside, I only want to know you.

This means everything, every bit of your mind and soul.



To know the feel of your face, the run of your hair.

Only matter for the time its been, to connect again is...

I love you so much, I wish you'd realize this...

Love is hard to maintain with so little contact.



.....still i cannot finish this.

That everything would be cool, that you could be unemotional?



No contact…losing a great thing, correction Rodney, lost a great thing.



Though don't completely blame yourself, a loss of connection,



Without a body to hold, hair to run through, lips to kiss, it couldn't last forever.







Searching…losing sight of what meant something.



The things I kept close to the fragments of what I called a soul.



Meaningless as one by one I let them drift into space.



Yet, the physical becomes more, as the mental dissipates into silence.









All I ever wanted was a girl to hold, to give love to…



And to feel what was said reciprocated, to know a beautiful mind,



Soul and body. Knowing that she alone was mine, seeing me for me.



To love this broken down ghost, is it so much?









Now its time for me to grow up, I'm truly sorry Amanda.



But I cannot see this continuing unless one of us is present to the other.



To those that would read with interest, I will not change who and what I am.



Not for you, and not for who you could be to me.









If you won't see me for the supposed good guy I am, then fuck you.



It's funny to hear "why is a good guy so hard to find?"



How about this one.



"Why is a decent, interesting, mature woman so fucking hard to find?"





Ladies, I've been here for a while, maybe a bit rough for my lack of female aptitude.



Though, I've listened to your "problems," your complaints, and the stupid situations you



Allow yourself to repeatedly be in and I really just wish you'd shut up, and look with your intellect not your fashion sense for a guy, Just because a guy was this way once, doesn't mean he'll be that same great guy again.









Honestly, us guys, if you want to shape and change SOME of the clothing we wear



I bet you most won't disagree.









Now if I can find a girl who doesn't mind a guy who doesn't make much money, can hold a conversation and dresses in what is comfortable yet not immature I'll be set.









Just know this, Sex, is not JUST sex to me. A body is not just a body, but a person to me.



I put my emotions into things like these, so sorry it's just the way I was made.









Thank you, now back to your whatever little life.

I walk in the mist, fog and gray that always surround me. Pulled toward shadows and striding into the light I end in the place I was when I first started this journey. Unsure of myself and the steps I am taking, I continue for lack of a reason to go back. These shadows and demons they follow, whispering words of tainted wisdom unto my open mind. Should I follow them into most evil oblivion? I instead quell their words and whispers with the raise of my hand and the slash of my sword. I still have many roads to walk upon. In unwritten pages I shall write my own words lest someone else write them falsely in my stead. My soul has its own course, my mind is flush with knowledge and wisdom yet lacking what it really needs.

Who I am, is not who I wanted to be.

This persona, these mannerisms..disgraceful.

Tearing through these layers,

ripping off the masks only to find a blank face.



That with no soul, sins that have no pennance

Yet I hope, to keep hope alive within me.

And that, I am losing to myself.

The dark, evil in my soul



That which I won't extinguish, for I would destroy a part of myself

A part that is necessary, yet so unwanted.

To resist this evil, the hold it has on my will.

These carnal desires, and simple pleasures.



For what though, do I resist these?

For my Soul?! These things come to mind,

Not so that I can resist, but because a part of me does want them.

The part that I always fight. (just give in)



Yet I wll not, always fighting that.

To be...a better man?

What about me is a man in the first place?

What is good to begin with?



How can I be better if I cannot even attain good?

Wouldn't it be nice, to just give in?

For a moment, for a minute, for a lifetime.

No one needs who i've been trying to be.



So why don't I just surrender to the sin.

Because, the father need not pass on to the son.

You cannot blame yourself for all that has happened.

She is gone, it was never your fault.



Choices...all done and never changed.

Time spirals on, is this how you want it to go?

Make the choice child, Life, surrendered will?

Struggle, against the blows never ending blows....................