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Suicide is a horrible way out. In honor of

Arliquin , I made this. I drew it with his wife so he wouldn't be alone. I know its too late to talk, but I can imagine he likes it. Rest in peace.

Tomorrow is Yom Kippur. May everyone have an easy fast.

There's a lot on my mind. And although in not the most super religious person, I want to take the time to thank god for the small blessings he gives me. The two new friends I've made. New opportunities.

And while its on my mind, I feel the need to work on a piece in honor of someone

I'm helping out for the Coney island film festival this Sunday. It starts Friday but Sunday is my shift. So excited! I love my Coney friends sooo much!!

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Oceanne
03:42 Sep 18 2015

Nice!! You will have a good time im sure!

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If you search NYC Zombie Crawl, you can see a few posts down that I won a contest to see a zombie wedding on Facebook. Even get my face painted by the professionals. You know, those NYC you tube zombies? Yup. Them. But! I'm stuck at work. So I asked if it was okay that my family should take my place. They said yes. :)

I won by answering trivia.

Some days its not even there. Other days it gets worse. Like an impending attack. Friday can't come soon enough. And I'm afraid because I'm not ready to express myself. I need to. I need to talk.

Its the hottest day and I feel cold as February on a snow day in shorts after a shower.

My underlying fear is medication. I don't want it. And judgment of others

I'm actually going to be evaluated this Friday. Life is too much for me. I'm afraid I'll be judged by people.

I know that this is just a website, but if anyone would like to reach out to me and talk, I would sincerely appreciate it.

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Oceanne
00:48 Sep 07 2015

Im here. Or if you want to message on fb..

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NLW
06:04 Sep 07 2015

I'm often not on when you are. Sorry about that. I understand about being overwhelmed. You have even more on your plate than I do. You can always message me.

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I'm a little better. Picked up an extra shift. Tomorrow I go for a check up. Contemplating asking the doctor for a referral to therapy. But I don't know.

I might not. I don't have much time to myself. I want to be able to spend time with him soon. He invited me up. I'd like to go. But I don't know.

It's like I'm always questioning myself.

I'm just so stressed.

I'd like to be able to dress nice. Braded pigtails, my new plaid skirt and the shirt I got that has a thick layered pizza pic and says, life is a pizza cake lol. Oh, and my new maroon airwalk shoes. (Blootleg converse) I could totally pull off the school girl look.

He's made me feel a lot better since the breakdown. I'm truly blessed to have him in my life.

Had a breakdown yesterday. My bpd got the best of me. I even deleted my Facebook. My boyfriend called me before my second job.

He was so worried. And all I could say was I don't know. I don't know.

I hold everything in.

I just wanted to isolate myself.

He calmed me down. I have it back up.

Every September, I seem to break down. I don't know if its the change of weather , the sad ending of summer, or if my brain still associates it with back to school. School played a big role in why I'm so mental. Constant rejection.

But I could never souly blame that.

There's so much in my life that haunts me.

And no one I can talk to. I don't know.

I don't even know why I feel so much and empty at the same time.

I know I need help, but I don't even know if I can trust anyone. 19 years of therapy and no help.

I'm just tired of feeling so alone.

The other day, I found an article about a guy who had 300 friends and no one to hang out with. So he joined a site. For people in their 20's who live where I do. I thought... Should I join? Is this fishy? And I thought, eh, it couldn't hurt. And when I tried to join, it wouldn't work on mobile.

I'm the biggest loser on the planet. I don't need a crummy site anyway. I can't stand everything.

I try to do stuff to fill the void and I'm always alone. I don't think anyone ever understands.

And I try to get out. To better myself. Because I know how bad it is to truly isolate. To not go out for days, weeks. I'm not doing that again. Truth is, I would love to go out, if I had a good friend. Someone who would talk to me, hang out, something. Anyone.

When I reach out, people ditch me or don't show up. Don't they know how much that hurts? Why does this happen to me?

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Tristesse
13:55 Sep 05 2015

I am really sorry. :( I go through moments like these as well. Truth be told, it kills a part of me. Every single time. The world becomes very dark, lonely and utterly hopeless. Going through these things are soul-changing. Good thing is, best you identify symptoms at the onset of such meltdowns. This way, you'll have some control over your emotions. Perhaps it's just annoyance, being easily irritable, or just becoming very quiet.. These are some symptoms.



I hope you feel better. *hugz*

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TheArtistRose
05:35 Sep 06 2015

Borderline personality disorder is hard to treat. But I hope to grow out of it.

Thank you. :)

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WishBone
07:51 Sep 06 2015

you need to smoke a bowl :D

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PandorasBx
08:47 Sep 06 2015

I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend Rose. I really do care about you. I'm just so focused on my own shit right now, please call me when you need me, I mean that

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