16:10 Mar 12 2015
Times Read: 1,003
I have big plans for the spring / summer. Yesterday my favorite zine got back to me. They will perhaps use my art in the future issues as themes change. I trust them because they actually took the effort to like my page and that means they will be updated on me. It would be a dream to get into the indie scene. Some of the best movies and stuff have been made from zines and comics.
I realize I have a long road ahead of me.
I told my bf the other day that I have nothing but illogical expectations and I'll never stop chasing my dreams. He's okay with it lol.
I've been over thinking about the past a lot. The anxiety I faced being bullied by teachers all my life. I used to go to therapy. But teachers are not the reason why I started. My parents divorced.
I was very bright for my age. I won't get into the typical 90's I should have been in the movies, childish pranks I pulled on my dad just to make him not fight for custody. Mostly because they were too good. I should have been Matilda lol.
I guess I bring him up because I've been dying to change my last name for years. He doesn't deserve me or for me to have his name. When people ask me for art, I hate if they mention the name. I'm The Artist Rose. I want people to get used to the title name.
Now to get back to teachers, I don't hate them all. My grandmother was a college teacher in math, who designed the benefit system at Colombia university back in her day. My grandfather died when my mother was ten. He had his Dr degree, did ocean engineering, taught and worked on parts that went to the moon. And here I am, dumbass of my generation, who refuses to take college and hardly reads due to my dyslexia. I can read and write but I hardly pick up books. I read oddities, zines, short things that catch my interest, blogs, etc.
Back to the teachers who gave me anxiety. As a little girl, I didn't know what this feeling was. I couldn't talk, choked up feeling, my heart racing, all around panic. This happened mostly in art. I told you once about my middle school art teacher who left me out of the year book.
In high school, the AP herself took a project I reached and made by my own accord, using science to create an optical illusion inside using mirrors. She took it and said, you know what this is? This is garbage. I could throw this away.
Can you believe that abusive piece of shit?
There was another time we had to do found object art and they wouldn't let me create a sculpture out of cat hair I pulled off of my cat brush. No matter what I did, I was WRONG. So I bought a science board. One of those tri board things and created a giant zine. Presented it in class about how I was going to fail because of the teacher. It was so good and funny the class loved it. I got a big fat F. LOL
I sadly no longer have that but I have the mini zines I made based off of it at the time.
My therapist always used to tell me art is subjective. No help, sorry lol to say that, still love you though therapist. :) lol
A lot of my stuff would go missing in art class sometimes. Think the teachers stole it.
Back to my big plans and to bring this entry to full circle - I'm going to practice the art of asking. It's hard to work a job, support my family, pay rent, bills and art for free. Part of my art is to have people pay what they want or free. The concept is taken from Amanda Palmer's book, the art of asking. I will do this in the NYC streets. Wouldn't be the first time I asked for money.
Back in 2013 I lost everything. I was losing my apt, I lost my ex, I lost my close friends. People were abandoning me left and right. There were days I was literally starving, walking miles to job training, which got delayed in half a year, otherwise I wouldn't have been so poor.
We'd ask just to make ends meet. It was the best year of finding out who I was and what I wanted to do in life. Back then, Amanda's book didn't exist. We (my family and I) watched her Ted talk. And I'll never forget how far I've come and what journey I'm going to explore.
I'm going to be someone.
I'm going to help people.
I'm going to love.
create
for better or worse
because
art
is
my
heart
blood
passion
air I breath.
I love you everyone.
if you made it this far in reading. :)
COMMENTS
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Oceanne
21:42 Mar 21 2015
I want you as a first class friend. Cause you are first class
NLW
02:26 Mar 23 2015
You're awesome! Definitely first class!