I am in love with a man and he is...unavailable. I am lost these days. I just can't seem to figure out what i really feel. I think i still love him but at other times I'm sure that i don't. It's a very confusing situation. I want to be with him. Whenever I'm not near him I get this terrible feeling in my stomach. But on the other hand sometimes when I'm around him I just want to strangle him! He is with someone else and his girlfriend is my friend. I have no intention or want to hurt her. She is such a great person! They are very good together. Sometimes. They fight a lot and most of the time it's over something trivial. I don't know what to do about my feelings...*sigh* Oh to be without love...to be free from the want of someone...to be heartless...it is what I yearn for but not what i wish for.
COMMENTS
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LeonardoGrey
13:41 May 01 2010
*hugs her* O, how well I relate to this. Except my 'one' has become broken into 'many'. ..But, there still is that 'Special someone', that most others stem from.
..But she is gone. Mi Amore is gone. & my love for others, either seems weak, limited, or, internally fake.
I care for people, & I have vague hopes w/ some, but, I sometimes wonder "Do I really love them? Do I really hope they'll save me from this 'drowning'. Do I really WANT to be saved..Idk. All in all, idk."
As far as that last part, the 'to be heartless, is what I yearn for, but not what I wish for', it's not so great. Cuz all ya do, is feel guilt. Guilt that you push away some. Guilt that you don't let others near. Guilt in the fact THIS isn't you. Nor ever was. ..Yet, you're so filled w/ longing, & so Damn Broken, YOU can't help but BE the 'vampire'. The 'dark creature of the night'. The 'timeless one'. You try & hope, but, soon realize 'nothing lasts. Nothing is what I am. Nothing matters..But becase I love Them, & many love ME, I can't die. I can't just exist' either. They would hate me, if I ever did this."
*smiles, softly kisses her forehead, her eyes, down her nose, & finally her lips, pulling her in w/ the soft, loving passion. The sudden light in a world of darkness. All while he whispers against her lips* "I do, of course, speak of myself. Forgive me that I can't let you in. Forgive me that pushed you away. That I allowed you to walk away, & pretended I didn't care."