The Idea15:48 Dec 31 2008
Times Read: 709
(These things were originally part of my profile, but I have since chosen to move them into my journal. They detail my reasons for deciding on the amnesia plan back in 2006)
Very soon, I am hoping to become a different person - I am asking to be inflicted with amnesia.
This may sound crazy to some people, but I feel it is the only way to not only help the world, but to one day be happy myself. First of all, I am no use to anyone the way I am now. I have so many thoughts racing around in my head all of the time, that it's impossible to concentrate. Even occult practices are out of the question for me, as meditation - a vital part of magickal workings - is almost impossible. Plus, there are the mental and emotional "walls" I spoke of earlier. These things are sure to stand in the way of my trying to help anyone. But if I can leave behind the things I have learned and feel I need to know (in the form of notes, etc.), perhaps I can take the person I will become - someone with a clear mind - and combine it with the person I am now to create somebody who can make a difference in the world.
And if I don't try to make this happen, I can absolutely forget about my hopes of a happy life one day. Come on, what girl is going to want a freak who can't love her? And I truly do feel that I am incapable of loving anyone as the person I am now.
I ask that you please not write and try to discourage me from my plan. Many have voiced their concerns over what I am about to do, and believe me, I share those concerns. There are plenty of things about this that have me worried and scared. So, with that said, do you really think I would even consider amnesia an option unless I thought it was absolutely necessary?
If you feel I am a coward and a quitter for deciding to do this, that is fine. I respect your opinion and your right to that opinion. But I am tired of arguing with people about what I've chosen to do - it is the decision I have made, and what I believe is right.
Personally, I do not consider myself a coward nor a quitter for deciding to explore this idea. As I said, I feel it is the best way for me to not only improve my life personally, but also to try and help others as well. If some people cannot understand, that is fine. I don't expect them to, and quite honestly, I do not wish them to be able to.
I have to admit that I've noticed something in myself since coming up with this plan. At one time, my number-one priority was helping everyone else and trying to improve the state of the world. Don't get me wrong, I still care very much about doing those things. But in going over my journals (and even this profile), I've realized that I have become just as concerned about myself and having a real life one day as I am about helping others. I admit I feel a little guilty for that, but perhaps there is a reason - maybe it's the only way this whole amnesia idea will work. I may need that desire to be happy in order to make this happen. Besides, you have to help yourself before you can help anybody else.
COMMENTS
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jaliacorbeil
13:21 Feb 09 2009
Go ahead
Anachronism
13:05 Jun 08 2010
Did you manage to do it? If you did I guess you won't be able to tell me about it :P
My main concern would be how you intended to do this. Is there a way to guarantee amnesia?
If you know of a way to guarantee amnesia that does not involve the risk of possible permanent injury... I would be interested to know. I can imagine it would be quite a blessing to start life afresh without dragging along learnt behaviours.
As far as the possibility to love is concerned though it may not be that easy. Part of our behaviour is based around nurture, but a large part of who we are and how we act is based around nature. Doing things over may not fix things.