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So for a really long time. I’ve been experiencing a draining of my physical and emotional energy. Like someone was literally taking it from me. It started around 6 years ago when I felt a calling or a pull in a direction to go and be. It’s something I experience a lot but this time it was different. I could locate it in a specific location. The cemetery. Meaning what ever was pulling at me wasn’t the first thing I needed to go to.

However after that pull I started waning just like the moon in a way but my soul and my spirit. It’s like it’s being pulled out of me. The best way I can explain it is this: my soul is a fire it was once raging and while I could control it I was still in control of it. And I was heated by it. It drove me. I was that fire. After that pull things in me really changed. I felt an instant darkness set on me. I worked hard to keep the fire from going out but the stronger this pull got, and the more I ignored it the worse I got. Physically and emotionally. Recently the fire became so dim. I couldn’t even eat. I had to figure it out. But the more I try to figure it out the more confused I become and the more scared I become. I become scared because while I believe in the supernatural I never thought what I would be experiencing would have anything to do with it.

Recently, I started meditating on things about what’s been happening. No medical explanation other than my depression could answer a lot of what was happening. But even that left empty spaces for explanation. I’m on medication changed diet and was in therapy and with no avail I just couldn’t seem to be getting better. I decided to use what little bit of spiritual strength I have to start reaching outward to find what’s happening to me. In my meditations I have been having visions of two men. One angelic and the other no, but not evil either. I know who the angelic man is, I always have. But the man in darkness, I had no idea. I took a drastic turn when my searching for answers led me down a path that I had never expected myself to go. I haven’t been able to find the source of the draining so I took to finding out more about vampirism and what it entails. A lot of research and a lot of unanswered questions lead me to the answer to them because I figured if anyone could help me find the answers and figure out what’s going on with me it would be a vampire, their culture can explain what I was feeling. As I researched I came across a familiar face... hold up, that’s the man from my visions, none other than Father Sabastiaan... I read about about vampire rituals that mentions him and how he helped bring the culture to where it is now and how it can be understood a great deal more. I had never seen him before in my life. I couldn’t explain why I was seeing his face and neither could he.

He gave me some reading to do but it only answered so much. I figured that maybe, I was having some kind of episode of “starving” maybe, but that didn’t quite make sense. He told me to read Vampire Bible which I did. Everything he told me to study and read talked about the “Unawakened”. Hmmm... then the Vampire Bible talked about how to learn how to become awakened and great amount of other information about the culture that I think is really important. I learned about a starved astral body and what that would do to my physical body since they are both and how important the one is for the other. It talked about feeding. Any solution to this problem that I’m having feels like I would have to make a choice that I don’t think I can make. I don’t know what it would entail other than inviting in the undead and Old Gods. It’s a step that I’m not sure I can take. By no means would I be a sanguine vampire but ever psychic vampires take that step and it takes years of proper training and practice to feed correctly (unless I’m not correct on that). You’re supposed to be guided when it comes to your awakening and I don’t have anyone or the resources to have a person who I could feed off of by their choice. Then there is the source that’s coming off of me. There are possibilities as to how that happened, but I wouldn’t know how to cut the energy off so I can regain my strength and get better. Because this isn’t medical any more.

BUT, I still no idea why my visions are so contrast with the angelic figure and how it came to pass Father Sabastiaan was and is the other face from my visions. So since he doesn’t know the answer or how to help when it comes to visions he suggested I reach out to others who are better with visions. So that is why I’m here sounding like I’m insane, but if anyone who’s experienced this knows what I’m going through, then maybe I’m not so crazy.

If anyone can help or has questions I’d really appreciate the help with the visions. I think the rest of it is a choice I have to make for myself.

COMMENTS

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Dakotah
11:35 Nov 16 2019

Star, look up GiGi Young she narrows down seven types of beings you may see in visions and why; she does indept discussions on thier meanings. Hope this helps.

https://gigiyoung.com/seven-different-types-of-beings-you-may-see-in-your-meditations-and-why/

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Stargazer90
18:01 Nov 16 2019

Thank you Dakotah.

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More research has my head filling with even more questions.

I’ve read the vampire manifesto and I have questions because it revealed thing to me. Now I’m reading the vampire bible and I have questions about what is happening to me. I wish I had someone I could sit down with face to face to talk to about everything that I’m reading and discovering. I wish I could get people to understand what’s happening in my visions I get during my meditation. I wish I could understand what started me on this path to discover what’s happening to.

I wish, I wish, and I wish some more. The further I get down this path the more lost I feel and the more questions I need answered.

Ugh.

In my last journal I mentioned some stuff that I was dealing with. I took that journal down because I found some really amazing people to help me out. I want to express my thanks and gratitude to everyone who has helped me find myself in the distress I was feeling. I learned so much not only about myself again, but also about many of the things I was questioning.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot of strength I need to regain. But my spirit and my mind are on the mend.

COMMENTS

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markus666
11:52 Nov 12 2019

If you need to chat, just send me a message. Always here to help.

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