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Sold one of my 1979 Monte Carlo's today. Still have the other one but it needs lots more work. Sold the one that was most original with 79,000 miles. The guy seemed to really love it so hopefully he will be good to it. I'm sure I will miss it. Chopped the roof on the other one a few weeks back, been thinking about doing it for years so now it's done. Now to work out all the rough spots on the body from cutting it and make it a safe convertible. Listed my 1969 Chevy Suburban 3 door today for sale. Hopefully it will sell soon as well. Hate to see it go, but gotta make that money. Productive week I reckon. Off to sleepy time now.

So moody lately. I just can't wrap my head around a few things. Sometimes it's so hard to put up a superficial front and act like certain things or people don't matter. I haven't spoken to my grandmother in several weeks. While I normally talked with her daily. I have put up with her mess all my life, and just tried to blow it off or ignore it. I just can't anymore. It's really weird, growing up my mom and her couldn't stand each other, all my life. Now suddenly my mom keeps taking up for her. Trying to say it's old age, maybe she doesn't feel good, ect. Hello, she's always been that way and you always commented rather bitched about it. Now my mom for some reason thinks I should just forgive/ignore the things she does and keeps trying to talk me out of standing up for myself. wtf? Seriously it's hard enough for me to stand up for me to begin with. I decide this time I am and suddenly I'm wrong for doing it. No way, it's hard but I'm not backing down. I have literally went out of my way to be nice to her, ignored the fact that she played favorites with all the grandkids and tried to love her anyway. Her opinion used to really matter to me, I cared a great deal what she thought. I'm trying my best to except that her opinion does not matter to me or affect my life. No matter what I did I would never be as good as the others anyway and my opinions are always wrong in her eyes. I really hate that my pawpaw died when I was so young. I don't really remember all that much about him, but I remember him being fair and treating us all the same. Had he still been around. I don't think her opinion would have ever matter to me. I wouldn't have need it to. She is the same way with the great grand kids and I just refuse to accept her doing my child that way. I'll admit my child is not perfect, no child is but in grandma's eyes the other ones are. I could sit here and compare them all day long and I'm sure I would have more positive to say about my child but that's because she is my child. It looks like when she had 4 great grandchildren she would see them all very positively because they are all her greats, but she doesn't. My child just turned 3, I'm very proud of her. She can say her ABC's, count to 15, and say the days of the week. At this point I can't determine if she is right handed or left handed. She doesn't seem to favor one, but uses both equally. At the moment I suspect she is ambidextrous as my sister also is. She reminds me in many ways of my sister as a child, which you would think would make my grandmother love her since my sister was her favorite. I used to think she favored due to order we were born. It doesn't work that way with the great grands though. Her favorite is actually in my opinion the one that acts more like me, only he is about 10X's worse as his parents do not believe in spankings so he usually has no form of discipline. Her 2nd favorite grand is the mother of her 2nd favorite great. The last two would be my daughter and my neice. I can't tell where she is about my neice, she doesn't see her much and she is only 2. She is extremely protective over her when she is around. I'm not sure where that comes from as she is nothing like that with my child. I really wish I could get it/her out of my head and not think twice about it, as this is what I am pretending to do. I should really stop trying to break it down and disect her reason for being this way. Sometimes there really is no method to the madness. Oh well this was long, but I got alot out of my head for a moment at least. Hopefully tomorrow it will all be forgotten.

Wondering if I'm cursed or jinxed..lol



So while packing suitcases last night. I decided to toss them in the floor and fill them while I cleaned up the house. Normally I would put them on the bed, but I had decided to wash the sheets and didn't want them on the bed with no sheet. Anyways, so in the process I walk past in a hurry and catch my toe, so now my toe is killing me. I'm affraid I broke the darn thing. Err What a wonderful life.

Less family drama today, but the entire situation is still being talked about. I really find it weird that my mom makes excuses for my grandmother nowdays. When I was growing up they both couldn't stand each other. My mom even told me that maybe my grandmother treated me differently because she thought I looked the most like my mom and she didn't like her. Oh how times change.



Went back to the orthopedic today. My EMG test didn't show anything, looked normal. Doctor still says it's thoracic outlet syndrome. He said that most times it will not show up on an EMG but occassionally it can. Basically he was saying nothing more we can do besides surgery and we'd rather not go that way since we don't know exactly which type or what is causing it. After I asked a few more questions and really told him I would like to figure out something. He opted to do some research to find someone that specializes in TOS in SC. He asked me was I willing to go to a doctor an hour and a half away. I told him sure, I don't care how far it is. I really just want answers. Is it fixable or not. I really feel bad for my daughter and told him I would like to possibly have more kids, but this is pretty much the deciding factor on if that happens or not. Having a spouse with a badly injured back, it puts more on me. That's okay I don't mind that at all. It just is what it is. It does make me feel bad for my daugher because with my arms/shoulders/neck having troubles, she doesn't get to do things like a normal kid does. If I can get me fixed then I can at least take her to the playground, swimming, etc by myself. The way I am right now, I'm not really capable of doing those things. If it's not fixable then I will not have any more children. I'm already stretched to the max and can't do as much as I would like with her. I can't see her having to share that with another child when she is already getting less than most kids. I don't see where it would be fair to either child. I'm told to let the grandparents do more, but I don't trust my mother with her at all. I was sworn to secrecy by my grandmother, but when my daughter was one and a half and we were visiting my mom for easter, my dad found my daughter at the edge of the road about to walk out. My dad told my grandmother because he thought she had slipped out. The fact was my mom took her outside along with my neice who was only about 8months. Her attention was on showing the neighbor my neice and she didn't even notice my daughter at the road. My dad walked by the door and saw her so he ran out and grabbed her. He had told my grandmother, no one was even close by her. Well my mom wasn't, she had walked to the neighbors fence showing the baby off. I had went to the restroom, when I came back my daughter wasn't in the house, my husband told me that my mom asked to take her out. We were wondering then, when we walked out why my dad had her. See my family fully thinks they are trustworthy, but they are in fact not.

Wonderfully aggrevating day with family. Thanks dad for opening your big ass mouth. I would say that a big part of my raising was done by my friends. I always stayed beyond stoned around my family. Literally the only way I could tolerate them. On bad days my mom would threaten to send me to juvenile detention. No matter how much I begger her please do it. It was always just an empty threat. At some point, something in me changed, I became very withdrawn and just silent when they were wrong, or unfair. As time passes it's becoming much harder to do that anymore. I told my mother in law about several recent situations and her first response was "why didn't you say anything, I would have had to say something." I don't know in my families eyes I will always be the black sheep, the bad child, no matter what I did or how hard I tried. At least if I shut up, I'm just there, but everyone gets along that way. Seems it's worse when something is said, even when it needs to be. At some point I just got tired of all the damn fighting all the time. It was easier to let them be wrong then try to make them see right. Today I think I have mad the decision not to include my grandmother in my life anymore. I tried to tell her what I saw in a situation and be honest with her. I didn't even want to talk about it to begin with because I knew she wouldn't like the truth. She kept insisting I was wrong and what I was saying was not true, she blessed me out and said goodbye. See my family are great debater, they can argue you that the sky is purple but me personally I hate to argue and debate things. Either you are right or wrong, full of shit or not. You can't convince me the sky is purple but I will walk away from a ridiculous arguement. I see no point in wasting my time with it. My family sees my sister as some kinda genius. I've heard her debate some of the most idiotic things and they believe her 100%. I'm starting to think they are all nuts. I'm sure being raised in the home I was, I'm a bit nuts as well, but I don't believe I'm nearly as bad. I heard them talking after my sister went to college and failed about how they didn't think I could do it. So yea they made it really easy for me to not go. I originally wanted to, but after thing I mentioned doing they were quick to tell me no that's more something your sister could do. The fact is I know I was setup to fail, to back out or not even try. Oddly enough I thought about going through the unemployment office, took some test and the ladies were really excited when my scores came back because I scored so high. I just can't get all the shit I was raised up on out of my head. I'll be damned though if they are going to treat my child the same way. I guess I'm going to have to start fighting again, like I did my entire child hood. This time, I'm going to be fighting for her, and not for me. That or cut ties with them and I don't see not speaking to them as an option really. Please ignore all the typos, I just needed to vent.

COMMENTS

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LordFangor
13:10 Aug 03 2012

Family, isn't it wonderful!

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SouthernFreak
01:20 Aug 04 2012

lol Yep. Now it's time to start family vacation. Things could get interesting.

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Birthday party went well for the most part. Several complaints from moms about my nephew. Talk about stuck between a rock and a hard place. My nephew pushes a little girl down several times. I actually saw it from across the room. Before I could make it across he had done it twice. The mom was not happy and seen him cutting up again, so she told him that what he was doing was not nice and asked him would he like someone doing him that way. I didn't see her doing that. Next thing I know my sister is coming up to me wanting me to let the other lady know if she corrects her son again it's going to be on. WTF?? This is a 3 year olds birthday. Folks, please leave the redneck outside. Don't bring it to my daughter's party and then put me in the middle. My sister tried to say well that lady needs to understand he has ADHD, he's not like the other kids. She didn't like it much when I told her the other mom's child was diagnosed autistic with ADHD. She said well I don't believe it, she looks normal to me. Well no shit sherlock, your child looks normal also. I really think there is more to my nephew as well, there has just got to be. He was wild as a bat, a little girl even quietly whispered to me something is wrong with him, he's not right. The party was over and him and my daughter quietly played in the corner, you couldn't even hear them talking they were so quiet. He seems to only be out of control like that in public places or around lots of people. I'm affraid my sister really just doesn't want him to be labeled as different. I love him to death, but I feel like he can't get better if you don't find out what it is. I don't know what we will do next year for the party but every one we have had we end up with similar problems. I really don't want to have 2 seperate parties, one for family, one for friends, but that may be our only choice. My family all seem to be oblivious to the things he does wrong. That's kind of how it was when we were kids. The first child could do no wrong. I guess the first grand/great grand is the same way. When my nephew is around I constantly have to fuss at my daughter. He's her older cousin, she looks up to him and thinks he's great. She tries to do things he does. Then tho, I feel like she sees him not getting in trouble for doing it and she is and I'm affraid it's going to make her feel like I'm being mean or unfair to her. I said a long time ago if my grandmother showed favoritism like she did with us then I was done. I didn't have a choice when I was a child but as an adult I can choose for my daughter not to go through that. It's hard to stick by that though. I was raised family is family, blood is blood. I believe because of our childhood my sister chose not to spank her kids. Spare the rod spoil the child. While I'm not a firm believer in spanking I do however feel it is necessary at times. On a more positive note, my hand is doing much better and I get to remove my stitches in a few days.