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You ever have that day when you're a kid when you do something stupid and you pay for it? So that it actually HAUNTS you the rest of your days, making you say to yourself..'guuuugh! Why did I do that?"



Well this started when I was about 5-ish. Now, at this point...I hated school. With a capital FUCK YOU. HATED IT. Could not stand it for the life of me and going there almost always made me cry every morning.



I'm serious.



So anyway, one fine afternoon, I came home with a brand new friend. I was miserable that day but I had a new toy...or word to be more specific. So there I am, sulking at the dinner table, (a big no no in my family; sulk anywhere else just not the dinner table) and I would not touch my brussel sprouts. I still won't.



To me, brussel sprouts are like aborted cabbage patch kid fetus' so I won't EVER eat them. Moving on...



So my mom looks at me and says in her kind mother voice, "Sweety eat your brussel sprouts."



"No!" Now I didn't yell but I spat it out. Kinda like a viper. Nothing physical came out of my mouth, just spite. This didn't go over well.



My mom just looked at me and repeated herself, adding, "...or you can go hungry in your room."



"FINE!" Ok this one I yelled. Stomping (yeah I was one of THOSE kids the few times I lost it) up to the staircase I remembered my new friend, the new word I learned today at school. So I decided to play with my new friend.



"Bitch."



Now, you know those slasher movies like Friday the 13th where Jason walks after the TRACK TEAM who happens to be running away from him at the time adn still catches them ALL?



Yeah my mom's last name is Voorhees...I'm sure it is. She just changed it.



So all I hear from the kitchen which is two rooms away is the slight scraping of the wooden chair against the floor as my mother slowly pushes away from the table to stand.



Suddenly I have a look on my face equivalent to a deer caught in a head light, or a Panda eating Monkey's almond cookies. I see a shadow before I see her and I then run like hell up the stairs.



ch ch ch ch ha ha ha ha



Que the Jason sound effects. Cause after taking a few steps, WALKING, mom's now at the bottom of the stairs. Scrambling, I make it to my room and close the door, locking it immediately.



I then throw my hands up in the air in triumph before hearing the most terrifying sound EVER...



*click*



Being like 5 I could never have considered the fact that since the house was my mother's, she couldn't POSSILBY have a key to every room in the house...



The resulting punishment involved a broken wooden spoon which she broke over my ass.



DID I DESERVE IT? yup

DID I DO IT AGAIN? HELL NO

LESSON LEARNED? yes ma'am.

COMMENTS

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deathnitegrl
22:59 Jun 23 2008

Lol indeed.

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samanthasprettycorpse
23:02 Jun 23 2008

You were 5 come on. Did you mother even ask you where you learned the word?? Did she beat that kids ass?

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SnowWalker
23:30 Jun 23 2008

It didn't matter where I learned it. I called my mother a bitch. I deserved it. And yes she found out I learned it at school.

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Sinora
08:43 Jun 24 2008

Lucky you, my Ma used a poker lol

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Fuck me, why is it whenever I talk to someone online, I end up screwing it up? I have gone over it a thousand times in my head, I have looked at the message from a thousand different angles and I can't figure it out.



So now I'm blocked and I have no idea why. All I wanted to do was make friends here and for some FUCKED up reason I can't even do that right. Gods I wanna slam my head against a wall.



So if you are reading this, They Whom I've Apparently Offended, I apologize for whatever I've said. I have no idea what I've done, but I would like to talk about this like civilized people.



Please message me.



Charlie

WARNING: This story is true. All names have been kept the same because I this happened when I was like four so if it gets back to anyone involved I'll be impressed. This also contains EXPLICIT INFORMATION ABOUT MY GENITALIA. So if penises make you squeamish, or if you are incapable of laughing at another's pain with them...then you are what's wrong with this world to date. Be ashamed.



Now there are a few things I'm proud of. One of them being my scar. It has been the topic of many a conversation and has been a constant companion for a good 20+ years of my life.



It all started with my Grand Father...oh calm the hell down, not THAT way you sick sick freak. ANYway, my Grand Father is a Clown in the Shrine Circus. He created his character and named him Cinders for the soul purpose of being able to smoke while around children. I love this man.



NOW, my brother, my mother, my uncle and a few other people were gonna go see him and the Circus when I was the tender age of about 4..ish..I think ...it's kinda hazy. You'll find out why later.



Now, being the age of four to six and going to the circus...my ass is ready to go a good two hours before ANYone else. So in my infinite wisdom I decide I should go and play on my friends swingset. I was particularly excited because I was told by said friend that if they weren't home, just come into the yard and play. They don't mind.



Anyone who either has a kid this age or remembers being this age knows full well telling a child that you he/she can play in your yard is like inviting a vampire into your home. Once he's in you either go through a lengthy ritual to banish him from the house, or you kill them. Lucky for me they weren't home.



Having stopped raining, I inform my mother that I'm gonna go play and run off out the door and over to my friends yard a few doors down. Their back yard is sectioned off by a chain link fence and I try the gate to find out that its locked.



'Oh well', I think to myself. 'They said ANYTIME.' So over the fence I go!!!!!!......and here's where it gets painful.



Remember me saying it JUST stopped raining? Yeah, physics and children rarely mix and THIS.....was no exception. I got half way over, with one leg dangling on either side of the fence when my hands slipped off the bar and...well...



...ok take your right hand and hold it in the "kung fu chop' position so your thumb is facing the ceiling. Ok? Ok, now take your left hand and do the 'Peace' sign with with the fore finger and index finger. Good, now turn the left hand upside down so it looks like legs and put the right hand in between the two fingers.



Your right hand is a somewhat barbed chain link fence and your left hand is me.



Finished groaning? Ok, to continue. I don't remember much after that...I'm pretty sure I screamed, though I can't be sure cause WOW DID THAT HURT. I woke up I think a few days later on the couch with stitches. Once they were removed I had a nifty new scar!!



But everything works so it's merely decoration!! Unfortunately now every time I receive oral sex for the first time from a woman, theres a pause so I can tell them how I attained such a conversation piece. Kinda annoying but hey.



So now you know.



And NO I will not tell you the length of my penis. I've never been even REMOTELY insecure enough to bring myself to full mast and say "MAN!!! LOOK AT THAT!! Where's the tape measure?"

COMMENTS

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
04:48 Jun 18 2008

But inquiring minds want to KNOW!!! :) :P

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ladygoddessaries
06:02 Jun 18 2008

Ok now was definately an interesting read~

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Priss
05:31 Jul 13 2008

I don't believe you...I think you made that up...I'll require proof for this "tall tale"...:D



Send the pix to my email addy...thank you...:P

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There comes a time when a guy needs to take out his sword and kill something.



Now, in the house previously mentioned, I had in my possession a katana. And it was good. Much like my penis, it is large-ish, slightly curved, defends innocent women from the Anti-Orgasm fairy, and can in fact cut a brick in half f so inclined.



Pete, had in his possession a Ninjoto. This, for those who don't know, is more or less a straightened katana. And it was good. Much like his penis, it is large-ish, covered until he intends to kill with it, HAS in fact drawn blood, has been known to frighten young women, randomly fwaps it against stuff and is not circumsized.



Now that being said, we live on the second and third floor of a townhouse and next to us is a pub. One night, a particularily skin loosening HOT ASS SUMMER NIGHT, and Pete and I were doing what we always did at a time like that...cavorting around in our boxers. Now, it was about this time that Pete took out his sword (the previously mentioned Ninjoto, the other sword stories come later) and points it at me menacingly.



Not one to be outdone, I take out my katana (the actual sword, again those other stories come later) and we began to duel, moving back and forth parrying and thrusting, sweat dripping off...you get the point.



Anyway, this lasts maybe ten minutes before we are laughing to hard to safely continue as these blades are in fact LIVE. About an hour later, our tithead of a roommate comes home in a huff glaring at us. To which we look ate her while still in our boxers and ask what was wrong.



"Do you guys mind!? I have a reputation to uphold and I DON'T wanna be known as the chick who lives with the two crazy assholes having a naked swordfight at 2:35 am!!"



Pete and I looked at each other somewhat confused before turning to her.



"But we weren't naked." Pete said innocently.



After thinking for a moment, which in and of itself seemed a chore at her current state, she put two and two together and said "Well from the ground floor next door it looked like you were naked. I guess the window sill cut you guys off at the waist so we could only see your chest."



"We?" I asked, then looked out the window and saw several people looking for the next half of the show.



So our room mate stalked upstairs to smoke her cares away while Pete and I giggled maniacally and contemplated what we were going to do when she went out next.

COMMENTS

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
09:57 Jun 17 2008

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! more stories please.

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You see, petedarkness13 and I used to live together in Peterborough on the second and third floor of a townhouse. The third floor windows were like doors so we kept cinder blocks and or bricks on the sill to keep the wind from slamming the window door open and shattering the glass.



We also had a couple of cats.



One night at about the usual time Pete and I are active....4am-ish...we were watching a movie, or trying to due to the ASSHAT parked next to the building. In this Manly Man's suped up CIVIC there blared Eminem in all his white glory and the windows of the apartment began rattling.



Our thoughts? Whatever, we live beside a pub. It's to be expected. Right?



Right. Kinda. But this Paragon Of Douchebagerry kept his car on and kept his bass pumping. So we turned up the TV. No dice. Eminem is apparently the average Television Volume's kryptonite. Its rainbow, homosexuality inducing kryptonite. I'm serious the Tv started checking out the guys in the house ever since then but I DIGRESS!!!



So the f**ktard keeps the bass coming for a good HALF A F**K MOTHERING HOUR. Finally, Pete Stands up muttering something about; "that's it."



So my girlfriend and I keep watching TV until we swear we here a thud outside but ignore it and continue to struggle to hear the Nobel Prize Winning documentary, The Emperor's New Groove. And if it didn't win the Nobel Prize, then I am merely mistaken. Not that movie needs it.



Nobel also invented dynamite...I highly doubt Kronk needs Nobel's blood money....but again, I'm straying from the topic.



So about four minutes and 23 seconds later, Pete comes down and sits down. 45 seconds later, there's a knock at the door. I go downstairs and open the door and LO AND BEHOLD the land lady is looking a little miffed.



"Um..." she begins. "Were any of you throwing bricks out of the third floor window?"



My face slackens as I realize to my horror what that THUD was earlier. I decide to stall, using age-old conversation stalling techniques passed down from male to male since the dawn of time.



"It, I...uh...it....what?"



"Yeah, there's a guy parked beside the building saying that a brick fell out of the third floor window and nearly hit his car."



I immediately get my back up because I will be damned by every God and Goddess in Asgard before this Lokispawn and his Civic are labeled the victim here.



"You mean that jackass outside in the Civic blasting his Bass so the windows are rattling? The same blue-nutted dickhole that has been blasting his bass for almost an hour, keeping my girlfriend from getting sleep because of the noise pollution coming from his eye pollution of a car? THAT guy?"



"Yeah, him."



"No everyone's downstairs, why do you ask?"



"Well, according to him, he saw a brick land beside his car, and a shadow move from the third floor window, so he thinks someone threw one at his car."



I think for a split second before speaking..



Now, I'd like to digress for a moment to say that when it comes to the Masquerade, I've been labeled as a Ravnos. This is testiment to that:



"Anubis!"



"Anoowhatnow?"



"Anubis, the orange tabby cat we have? He has this nasty habit of rubbing up against some of the bricks we have on the window sill. We keep them there to hold open the windows so they don't break...he probably rubbed up against one and knocked it out the window. Sorry."



A brief pause and then..."Ok well just keep the cats off the sill ok?"



"Alright! Take care!" I watch her leave then as she leaves the building and ear shot I close the door, and glare up the stairs. "PETE!!!!!!!!!!!"



All I heard was a "teeheehee" and pitter patter up the stairs.

COMMENTS

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SinginGhost88
16:45 Jun 16 2008

LoL well i guess it sort of worked, no?

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LadyKrystalynDarkstar
09:54 Jun 17 2008

OMG what a good story!!!!! I laughed alot!!!

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