The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

There's never a scenario where one person's problems are more important than another's. However, there are times when certain problems take precidence over others.



For example...



You're the Governor of a state, and you have two disasters on hand.

You have a raging wildfire to the east, and a nuclear reactor about to melt down to the west.

On the one hand, you're looking at millions of dollars in lost homes and damages among other things.

On the other hand, you're looking at everything within a 500 mile radius dying and being completely uninhabitable for decades upon decades, not to mention all the other potential problems that could arise from having nuclear fallout being released into the atmosphere.



Taking everything into consideration...

....which problem do you solve first?



Get it?

I don't really have a 'headline' for this one. Just kind of unorganized rambling for a second or two.



Things at work seem back to normal for the most part. They're trying to impliment some kind of new system now that we have enough people to pull daily opperations off. If it works, hey...great.



Still pretty quiet for the most part. I guess it's kind of detaching in a way. It's kind of nice in a way; like the vacation I said I wanted.



Not a whole lot of anything going on right now besides work. It's too hot to try to do anything else. Everybody's huddled inside by the A/C trying to beat this heat.

Lately I've found it very hard to speak or express myself in any way. I believe I see it to be ephemeral...whatever I'm feeling. And I see no point in expressing what I'm feeling because it won't solve it or change it. It will continue to be, regardless of what I may do to try to extinguish it. Now, what AM I feeling? That's a queer quandry in it's own right. To be honest, I don't rightly know. Put simply, hurt. Ha.

To be obnoxiously cocky; I know I love this woman more than any man ever could. Ha. And then the rational mind kicks in and tells me I know not the levels of love which could be bestowed upon her by another. And the cycle repeats itself.

Unconditional love is hard. To see this man, whom I'll admit I disapprove of...for reason I'll explain later, with the woman I love...reminds me of a Cee-Lo song, but not really.

To me, he comes off as a douchebag. He's 14 years older than she is...pushing 40...yet he talks like a kid, basically. "You're so fucking beautiful." That's all he says in regard to her..."Fucking, fucking, fucking, fucking." Blasphemy! The woman's name should be sang by the Heavenly choirs! Nothing less than poetry and prose should be used to describe her. Alas, here I am...in this awkward position.



That's just...the constant on my mind as of late. Other smaller, dumber things have been plaguing me.

An ex came around and wanted to..."play nice"...but I find she's still up to the same shit she was back when we were together. Kind of a buzz kill. I guess I expected her to have grown as much as I have. There's a lesson for you...never project yourself onto others. Allow them the room to be lesser or greater than you, for lack of better terms.

A few weeks back I went to a friend's house after work to enjoy some marijuana, and, as we were leaving, his "fuck buddy" friend suggested we all have a 3-some. I didn't think anything of it, but he's got his panties in a twist over it, and it's affecting things at work. I'm trying to let it slide. Also, the female co-worker he likes pays more attention to me, so that's got him bent too. All this makes me wonder is why I have to get sucked up into some silly bullshit drama. It's not really fucking with me so much though. Just "why?" is the main question. Why are you so bent? Why are you acting like this? Who the fuck cares?



Everything else is going good for me though. That's why I hate everything that's going on right now. My life is good for once...I should be happy...I should be enjoying it...but I'm hung up on all this emotional bullshit, and other drama.

But I'm aware of how good things are, and I keep grinding and driving towards my goal, which makes me happy (and, subsequently, forget about the other shit). I just keep working as hard as I can. Plus, working hard is paying off in many different ways. The fact that I'm losing weight and getting into better shape is wonderful. Aside from that, I've read plenty an article that says a healthy body and a healthy mind go hand-in-hand, so it could be an explanation for why my "mental abilities" have been stepped up as well.



Who knows?

I feel trapped. There is forward momentum, but it doesn't matter to me. I feel like I'm powerful and able, but tired physically...stuck in the mud emotionally...and rocketing forward spiritually. I don't know what to think about a lot of things.

I feel like I'm reverting to bad behaviors and toxic thought processes. Hell...I don't think I know how to explain shit rationally. I just feel really bad. Empty at times. I find myself thinking too much. Wondering what may come of every little thing. 'The Butterfly Effect" of everything.

I know I'm doing things wrong, but I can't help myself. And whenever I try to do the right thing...it's not natural. It's robotic...and mechanical...and just devoid of any real feeling.

This is just a low point. I know that. Somewhere I'll come up again, but right now, this down phase is killing me. I would say I'm trying to learn from it, but I'm not really. I want a little "summer vacation", except not nearly 2 or 3 months. Maybe a couple days.

Meditation only works while meditating. Otherwise my thoughts race back to where they were.