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I just woke up from a nap. Had a weird dream.



I woke up in my home. For some reason I was sleeping on the floor on an air mattress. I wake up to find that there's a girl in my house, and we have some kind of strained relationship. I think she likes teasing people, and I've figured that out, or something to that effect.

I go out into the living room. She snuggles up next to me on the couch, then sits up and moves away a spot over. She says something to me along the lines of "I know you want me, huh? But you can't have me." She gets up and starts kissing and biting my neck, then stops and moves away. She gets up again, straddles my lap, and starts grinding on me, then again stops and moves away. I get up, picking up a pillow, throw it at her fairly hard, then walk out of my home and get into my car.

I travel down the interstate, take a couple back roads, and pass by a church that's walled off with 20 foot high wood paneling. I wind up having to use it's parking lot. I walk down a dirt road and end up in front of an elaborate farm that I'm meeting my dad, step-mom, sister, and niece at for dinner. I think it's my step-mom's family's farm. It's very nice inside, but there's an interesting staircase inside that twists. I though it was an optical illusion and tried to climb it, but got stuck and ended up dangling 10 feet in the air in a bend in the staircase. I drop down to the ground and walk into the living room. I don't see any of my step-mom's family, but my dad rushes up and says I have to try these shish-ka-bobs. They're good, but there's a weird yellowish fruit at the very bottom. After a bit of coaxing he reveals they were covered (like a sausage) in pig intestines. I pull the fruit off, and what I believe to be the pig intestine, and it reveals the fruit is black, cross shaped, and full of holes with what appears to be grass floating in liquid inside the fruit. I throw the fruit away and leave the house. Walking down the dirt road I get into my car and put it into reverse to back out of the stop. I start crying because the brakes won't work, and I'm flying backwards fairly quickly. Finally the brakes kick in after what felt like 200 feet. I continue down the road to get back home. For some reason too I have what I know to be my niece's pink and purple plaid blanket.

I come up to a red light, and the brakes don't work again, and I fly past the red light. I pull over to the side and get out of the car. I see a small black child duck under the overpass as a flood of cars scream past him. Once the cars have passed and I see he's okay I start walking back home, leaving the car behind, still carrying the blanket. After a while, which passed in seconds, I'm in Downtown Minneapolis, outside of the Twins stadium. People are running away from me as I walk closer to the stadium. There's a game going on, and the stadium has some sort of holographic picture system, because as one of the players hits a home run I can see it all, in 3D, in the sky above the stadium. I raise my hands in celebration. Then I wake up.

COMMENTS

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Bellanova333
01:39 Apr 30 2011

o.O wow.... dreams are freaky huh?

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Skitzafritz
11:49 Apr 30 2011

Yeah they are.

If anybody reading this is any good at dream interpretation, your analysis would be greatly appreciated.

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Bellanova333
17:51 Apr 30 2011

*cracks knuckles



I'll take a stab at it...



you have some issues with women, possibly a current relationship or a pattern of them, of being attracted to the same kind of girl, a tease, one who is looking to feed their own ego and desires of manipulation rather than actually love you, OR your sexually frustrated lol OR both lol



The family and the food thing is interesting... (don't take offense) could be where those learned behaviors of always going for poisonous relationships ones where you are not properly nourished. (sux that you said kabobs cuz I love those lol)



Your nieces blanket possibly the clinging to hope of innocence and that despite what you may have experienced not all women are like this.



The game is interesting too because in all reality we are always part of a game. The fact that you are cheering says to me that you were cheering yourself on for leaving said girl, not eating the bad food, and still holding out hope of innocence and love. Hence you are on a road to self healing and conquering (:



maybe... IDK lol

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Skitzafritz
06:07 May 01 2011

That actually sounds more than feasible. :)

I like your view on it. It sounds...optimistic, which I am feeling at the moment. ^_^

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There's no reason for it. Not sure why you're doing it, but okay. There's a lot I don't understand right now, and I can't have it weighing me down. I think it's time I take a vacation.

Could be that I'm tired. Could be something else. Right now though, I'm feeling a major dip in the energy that's been with me the vast majority of this week.



It's hard to explain right now though. I just understand it. I don't want to, but I understand.

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Bellanova333
23:12 Apr 23 2011

I know the feeling...

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I'd say I feel like I'm on top of my game lately, but that would be an understatement. I feel like I'm going beyond what the top previously was. I feel like I have more energy and determination than I've had in years. It's actually quite refreshing to feel this powerful. :)



You've been an inspiration to a lot of my energy recently, and I can't thank you enough for it. Thing is you don't know what you did, and have said you didn't do anything. That may be true; you haven't done anything specifically, but you've opened my eyes to a lot of things. Inadvertent or not, it helped.



I'm going to apologize in advance though. I don't know where this energy is going to take me, but wherever I go with it I'm afraid it's going to be farther from you.

Yep. I deleted my last entry. It was some bullshit.



Honestly, I'm just a fucking mess right now. Wound up having some psychotic mental breakdown. Thank gawd my friend called and let me rant and rave and whine and cry and bitch for a good 4-5 hours. Seriously, sometimes that all you need. Just vent. Find somebody that has the time and patience and just unload all that mental garbage rolling around in your head. I feel exponentially better than I did when I woke up this morning.

Granted, none of it really solved any of my problems, but it gave me an avenue to express my frustrations and pain over them so I would be better equipped mentally to handle and, potentially, solve them.

Like it was said in JTHM...



"There's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt."



And that's pretty much exactly what I was doing; wearing my "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. Having that little conversation...that "brain dump" if you will...was metaphorically taking off that damn shirt. Like I said, my problems aren't solved, but I'm feeling better than I was...more able to tackle those problems and do something about them.

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Danijela
12:10 Apr 17 2011

I'm glad you're better, I'm sorry you've got problems, but hey every problem has a solution and you should never despair!

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This is the only place I can actually let my thoughts fly. Nobody knows me here. Nobody knows who I am. Nobody that knows me goes here. This is like my own little personal...something.



And you'd think, if I kept my "writing" style on other sites it wouldn't be bad...wouldn't blow my cover. No, it would just cause problems, because then I'd have people asking if I was talking about them. And really, it's all trivial shit. Nothing to ruin or damage a friendship over, but that's just how my brain works. When I'm pissed off I speak my mind, no quarter given. That, and I can be VERY good at hurting people's feelings when I DO decide to speak my mind.



I just don't feel very nice right now. Very intollerant. Very..."it is what it is." However, feeling like this isn't going to do me any favors. Or it may...I don't really know. It's just the path I'm walking down right now. Very willing to sever ties right now, even on the closest bond. I'd heard something tonight, and I guess it spoke volumes to me...only helped...enhance my mood, if you will.



"'Thug' means never having to say you're sorry. 'Love' means you're constantly appologizing."



It's true, and right now I don't feel I have the capacity to either love OR appologize. Not unless it's family...that's a deep rooted bond...at least for me it is. I guess what's really sad about all this is that...ha...a potential love once said "everybody leaves eventually". I would have loved to have proven her wrong, but right now...she's right. I just don't have it in me right now, and I'm shutting it off. For now. Maybe longer. I don't know, really. It's working for me now though.



I guess even as adults we have our childish moments. Perhaps it's because in childhood we first learn social interaction. What we learn in those years stays with us on some rudimentary level. As we grow older we learn what is "acceptable" and not, but that base...the template...the prototype of our behavior is still there, and...it's almost like an instinct, being learned on that level so young. We fall back on it in tough situations. Right now I feel I'm opperating on some sort of primal survival instinct...and if my years have taught me anything...never disregard your own intuition.

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PAGAN
06:26 Apr 13 2011

True, sad and brilliantly put. I'd love to 'unlearn' some stuff :)

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I know it seems like I'm having a one-sided conversation with myself when I write an entry, but that's only...half true, I guess.



Really, it's more like writing a letter to whoever (or whatever) is on my mind. It's kept vague on purpose, because really, I'm the only one that needs to know what I'm talking about.

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Selkie
18:22 Apr 05 2011

YAY! a grown up! LOL

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Skitzafritz
05:17 Apr 06 2011

I try anyway. :)

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The mysteries of life are strange. Mostly, how I can feel your anger, even though you're hundreds of miles away from me. I feel the inner turmoil that's currently confusing you and making things harder. I can feel the calm that sweeps over you when you do find peace. Perhaps most astonishing, yet humbling, of them all is how I can bring that calm to you.

You say you could never bring yourself to hurt or attack me, but oddly enough that's what I want. Not to be hurt, but for you to attack me...try to hurt me. I want you to let go of the rage that never seems to leave. I want you to scream and kick and punch and try to rip me apart. I would gladly make that bodily sacrifice for your spirit to be at ease, even if for a moment.

I only wonder why you didn't come to me sooner. Why you let it all boil up and shut me out while you were in pain. I suppose one day we'll both understand just what it is between us, but until then I'll be patient...watching over you from afar.

I don't know what to say right now. Mostly feeling lots of anger, but not directed at any one particular thing. Maybe add in some disgust and frustration for good measure. It's not the kind of energy that motivates you or fills you with an eagerness to extinguish it, but the kind that drains you and leaves you feeling weak. I guess it's more like a feeling of mourning more than everything else, but they're still felt.

I suppose if we wanted to be brutally honest there's even a tinge of humiliation mixed in amongst the jumbled mess that would be called my emotional state. I suppose it best to accept humiliation with a grain of salt and a touch of humility as well. Still, my mind and soul are tattered from it all. Perhaps the lack of energy is telling me I should rest a while.

Flip the paradigms around...see things from the opposite angle. Instead of being misunderstood perhaps you don't understand.



Interesting point. I don't see how I could be misunderstood. I was honest and straight-forward. Perhaps that's the misunderstanding. You weren't.



I'll take the blame for this one, but it won't be happening again.

It's pretty pointless to regret things. Granted, we all do regret something at some point and it serves a learning purpose, but it doesn't change anything...which is what we really want. Undo something that's been done, or at least change the outcome somehow.

What do I regret? Scaring you. Confusing you. Making you hide again. That's what I regret.

However, I don't regret anything I said or shared. It was honest. I think you were honest with me as well. Maybe that's what scared you. I don't know, and it doesn't really matter now.

It's still bothering me though. It's been bothering me since you first went silent. I just hope you'll understand why I did it, and why I do this now.