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I applied for FASFA tonight to get financial assistance towards an online Associate's Degree in Creative Writing for Entertainment. Doing such a thing, applying for any university or college course, is completely new for me. The first half of my life was always being convinced by my either my mother or my ex-husband that I couldn't attend college because of: "Your grades aren't good enough for a scholarship" or "You can't afford to go to college. You need to work." or "What makes you think you're better than me?" A lot of different bullshit reasons, never encouragement, never supportive.

So I did the next best thing I could. I got into the medical field, ophthalmology, and did at home study, online classes and other continuing education courses for my certification. 20 years invested in the career of a Certified Ophthalmic Assistant that could cover every job in the office save sign off on prescriptions. Then I became disabled due to worsening epilepsy, a seizure disorder. One day I was assisting in a LASEK procedure, the next I was filing disability and grounded from driving my vehicle. I had to write my own resignation letter at the end of my last day. Needless to say, it was a pretty devastating time.

Presently, I'm still and will likely always be disabled by uncontrolled seizures, however, there's a part of me that still wants, still needs that continuing education. I can't do eyeballs anymore so I thought I would at least go for my dream to be a professional writer and accomplished novelist. I've done my fair share of technical writing in the clinic setting, taking care of doctor to doctor correspondence letters.

At any rate, I love to write, always have. I made this decision in part for myself to follow my dream and see where it takes me. What else do I have to lose after all? I can't work any other way as it is and it is the most flexible of anything I could do. The other reason is because I want to be an example to both of my children that despite the hardships we each face in our lives, there's always room to improve ourselves, our education, our confidence. Perhaps the one thing that spurred this on for me was my son's recent diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder with Psychosis. Schizophrenia has not been ruled out. After he attempted suicide last November, it was recommended he pull out his Senior year due to his medical issues. Since missing out on his graduation, he's been reluctant to take the Hi-Set exam to get his diploma. He's afraid of failing "again."

As a mom, I tell him all the time, the only failure is not trying at all, you can do this. Deep depression is a difficult animal to wrestle though. How well I know from my own experience. I never had voices telling me to kill myself though. It all got me to thinking that I had the same sense of failure, even though I had a successful career field. The career had been my 2nd best thing to me not being able to go to college like I wanted. It was the "best" I could do, or so I'd been convinced thereof. After becoming disabled, the idea of having done my best was further enforced because I cannot drive nor work at any describable job without endangering myself or someone else due to seizures.

My son knows how much I struggle with my health every day, just like I know how he faces his own health challenges. In doing this, pursuing my education in writing, continuing to encourage him to get his diploma so he can pursue his own dreams, I hope to not only help myself but to help him too. My daughter has but a few years left before she can go her own way as well. I consistently push her to be self-reliant, be educated, never rely on a man or someone else to "take care of you." I want her to land on her feet a hell of a lot better than I did after my divorce from her father 6 years ago. I have to keep pushing not just for myself, but for them. It's never to late to begin again.