The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

19:54 Nov 26 2008
Times Read: 641

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've some bad news.



You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'



The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.



'Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate When things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini.'



After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two

were celebrating.



The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end.



'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'



The friends were a ghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.



After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,



'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'



'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'



And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.

Too stupid NOT to post...
19:41 Nov 24 2008
Times Read: 644

Two Vatos were in the bathroom side by side. One looked over at the other and said "A la chingada Jose, you got a big ol' chile!"



Jose then said "I'll tell you my secret, you have to have your ruca rub manteca into it every night and it will soon get bigger."



Juan went home and told his vieja about what he had learned.



About a month later Juan ran into Jose again and said "Mentiras ese, I did what you told me but my chile turned into a little jalapeno! My vieja rubbed Crisco into it every night but yet it got smaller!"



"Pues, no wonder," Jose said "I said manteca , Pendejo, not Crisco! No sabes que Crisco es shortening?!?!"

Read this without laughing??
14:29 Nov 24 2008
Times Read: 650




Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:



Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.



What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects

of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??



WAY TOO COOL!



Long story short, I bought the device and b rought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.



Nothing! I was disappointed.



I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity

darting back and forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that

I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.



But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as

advertised.



Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tan k top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.



The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make

your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded

with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?



I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.



I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..



HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the sid e door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.



I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,

and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!



You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.



My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside d own and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.



My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'