The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I am soooo Hooked Emmy!



Not bad...but I'm determined to do better.



First test: 72 wpm with 7 mistakes, adjusted

to 65 wpm

Out of 5 tests, my overall average is 72 wpm.





Take the test at:



http://www.learn2type.com/typingtest

Jessica Simpson



For you Cowboys fans....need I say more?

A Christmas Story



'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.

He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.

I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!



I've busted my ass for damn near a year,

Instead of 'Thanks Santa'--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.

The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.



Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.

Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better

Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,

They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny

Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?



And the kids these days--they all are the pits

They want the impossible--Those mean little shits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads

I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,

They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!



Flying through the air...dodging the trees

Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees

I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment

I'll sit on my fat ass and draw une mployment.



There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,

I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

My heart still skips a beat when I see my sister online. It's been a very long time.



I've been told that she doesn't even exist. She's a figment of someone else's very vivid imagination.



It doesn't matter to me. In my heart she'll always be the one who took me in and watched out for me. She'll always be the one that I was closest to.



Does it really matter if the real person exists or not? According to my heart, it doesn't. What matters to my heart is the person, the persona, that became a part of my heart.



My heart wants to dismiss all the accusations, but my mind can't seem to let them go.



That's a little scarey.



At any rate, it was good to see you my friend, my sister, my evil twin.

Today is really just a blah day. I'm not in a very good mood, though I can't explain why.



This too will pass....

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.



As he walked down the street, he realized that, without his headaches, he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the salesman said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"



Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."



Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years."



Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"



Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."