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Im so sick. I cant control the preasure and I fear the worse has taken place. I doubt this is even read by any one. So my cries of despiration and help are not heard again. All I wanted was somone to talk to. Someoone to understand shit. Someone to look past all the fake smiles and laughs and see whats behind these open in shock eyes. But no asks. So I have two options.

He went back to treatment again. He cut and used coke again...It never stops. Now today I am havinga major withdrawl from coke...Digh. I broke down last night and told him everything on how I feel and that i just cant take this life any more He was so comforting and actually listened. He asure me that he is here for me. But He doesnt know how bad I want it to end. And I guess all I want him to do is to tlak me out of it. He offered to get me help for my self distructive tendancy but me, I refused. He wanted to make another pact saying we both would stopped but I told him that I wasnt going to promise something I know I cant keep. He knows now that I cant sleep with out the scissors. He knows that I cant take this any more. I told him that all I ever wanted was to have someone that care. A family and a home. That I wanted to be able to sleep at night knowing that I am safe. I cant even sleep in silence anymore. I cant put my back to open dorrs or closed. Im so afraid. I just want out. I want it all to go away. This is why I run on no sleep. Because I am so scared of what will happen. Maybe I wont wake up. Maybe that is what I want to happen. I no longer wish to see the future. I dont want the path that has been laid before me. I dont want this any more. WHy do I do this to me? I dont want to but I feel that it is nessasary. I wanna run away from it all again. Some times I think that it might be better if I just went back into placement and left this all behind. Im tired of how People tell me that I have not amounted to anything and that I never will. It gets to me because I know that its true. Not because they convinced but because it is true. I dont care about anything anymore. Not my life not my art not my musik or friends....WHats wrong with Me!!!!!

My soul os dying from this illusion

And I am mezmorized with the vission of anguish

the nine inch rail road spikes puncture your ears

so you hear my scream begin to vanish



The excrusating torture that has been laid upon me

Is the water that causes us to drown

but your negligence is what hides my face

and again the darkness found



i cant climb these walls any longer

The needles have slipped beneath my nails

Abandon is my broken body

It seems this pain has yet to fail



All your lies have caused my heart to blees

I cant stand to gaze so i remove my eyes

This burning agony is ripping my skin

And my intrails no longer hide

No more. I cant take it. Issues come up and I feel as thow I am breaking. It is unbelieveable how I must force this false smile upon my canvas of lies so others do not ask. In this building of so many--they all think that is fine. They think nothing is wrong and i guess it is better this way. So there are no questions are asked. Even the one person I though i could talk to tells me not to cry. Tells me to lie. Tells me it is nothing and to get over it. Indirectly. But I guesss it doesnt matter. All I wanted was some one to talk too. BUt I guess that is asking too much.