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Since I remember, I have always felt there is something I need but do not know what that is... I have always had a strong sense of absence from somewhere - and it has never felt right to be in any place in the world; feeling like there is something waiting to be done or achieved; a sense of being in a wrong place and a wrong time... It was not just spiritual craving; at times, I though I was hungry or thirsty but neither eating, nor drinking could satisfy this strange feeling that I experienced. Could it have been the need for consuming blood? Was I a vampire?



I have read all that is available on the subject of vampires and vampirism online, I have seen movies, I have understood the difference between real and mythical vampires. I have made up my mind on them. Conclusion - I might be one of these creatures. It cannot be proved, yet I seem to unite all essential characteristics of a real life vampire who is a vampire from the medical point of view. I have also learnt that those imitating the mythical / Hollywood vampire life, are extremely frowned upon by real vampires. How does it relate to the fact of someone happening to be Goth AND vampire (the real one)? Well, to be Goth, one certainly does not need to be vampire and to be a vampire, one does not need to be Goth. While I am into Gothic stuff, I have also discovered certain vampiric traits to both my personality and biology.



If it is true that real vampire, as vampirism is purely medical thing which has nothing to do with the occult - a real vampire has dark rings around their eyes' iris - something I have seen quite a lot and it seems very common - then, my eyes are dark blue with even darker ring around that blue, and with a shade of greyish green in the centre of the eye; first, there is that grey/green colour, then dark blue and then, the dark ring around it...



When speaking about colours, I cannot avoid mentioning that black and red has always been my favourite combination. I like black but even more - red. I have read a lot about colour therapy, the meanings of colours, their effects on the mood and wellbeing etc. - and I know red is associated with energy, life, strength, masculinity, action, adrenaline and the like, perhaps because it is the colour of blood. It is also the best colour to draw attention, so it is often used in commercial ads. If I am a vampire, then it is of no surprise to me that I should be drawn to red colour wherever I see it... When I look at something red, I feel more lively; like there was a flow of energy coming - for example, when I am tired or sleepy - I have observed something like that happening. This revitalising effect of red may as well be experienced by other people, not just vampires, nevertheless, it is quite suggestive to me.



I do not know if I am faster than most people, I highly doubt that, but for sure I am known as a geek. Without false modesty, I can say I am an intelligent person, or at least that is what others usually think. They are quite right, as far as the ability to reflect upon things and to philosophy, and to solve problems, is concerned - I am an intellectual. Again, vampires generally are intelligent creatures, are they not?



I am definitely a night person; I can stay up late and it is generally impossible for me to fall asleep at night - at first, I thought I suffer from insomnia. Then, I would joke about it, saying I am turning into a vampire because I would sleep the day and stay awake at night... I like the night for its silence and tranquil beauty; it is the best time for philosophical reflexion. In the darkness, I can hear my own heartbeats and I feel poetically inspired... In the darkness, the music has a greater impact on my soul, for it sounds more beautiful and more powerful, and more dramatic than during the day. In the darkness of the night my thoughts are deeper and my emotions more intense. I see far beyond the limitations of my existence... At night, I enter a state of somehow metaphysical exultation when I see things clearly, when everything seems so obvious and so logic to me... I am in a state of altered consciousness. No, I am not crazy, I do not hear voices, I have no hallucinations. It is just that I feel somehow special when I sit alone in the darkness, meditating and reflecting upon things, more or less important; both strongly grounded and abstract ideas. Things as trivial as my daily life problems and hardships, and as exalted as theorising on what is beyond the grave... What life and death are about. How the universe works. That and much more - and I have moments when ingenious thoughts and conclusions come to my mind - and I feel like I am the first person in the world to make such a discovery... I often have this kind of small awakenings. I then rush to write it all down before I forget it; before it gets lost in between the pages of human history, consumed by time and oblivion... I write it down and I share it online with the entire world, sharing thus a part of me...



I also write poetry, but really good poem only comes to me when I feel inspired. When I do not find my inspiration, I can still write a piece of poetry but it will never be as good as when I write under inspiration. A beautiful music, either very powerful or very melancholic, awakens certain emotions in me, enabling my artistic soul to compose lines that could compete with 19th century Romantics' works - but I do not choose when it happens. When inspiration comes, it comes. Not always it does come, even with good music and art. Without an inspiration I write like a child in the primary... I am no better than any other wannabe poet without an inspiration. Yet, when it comes - oh, I write astonishing pieces of poetry that I am proud of and I just cannot keep them to myself, so I immediately publish them on the Internet...



If I am truly a vampire, then I must embrace it, I must accept it and make sure it is kept secret. I openly manifest my personality through Gothic aesthetics, but if I am also a vampire, my vampiric nature must remain hidden, so I should write under the name of Saudade, from Portuguese, meaning: longing, craving; a mixture of sorrow, nostalgia and looking forward to something - in my case, something which I cannot possibly name but this sensation has always been present in my life, since I can remember. If I am a vampire, then I am one. Simple as that. Meanwhile, I should continue my research and expand my knowledge as much as possible. One learns new things every day. I have already learnt that I might be a vampire...







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[30-03-2013]