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3 entries this month
I don't need a keeper, no matter how crazy I seem sometimes!!10:03 Mar 10 2010
Times Read: 576
I've never claimed to be normal, though a few times I've wished I was. Never more so than in the last few years. Most of the time I can make myself smile and just nod then ignore what everyone around me is constantly telling me, but lately I just wish they would stop.
I value my close friends as family, and I know they would and have done anything they could for me -just as I would for them. My best friend is also my hero, and I honestly don't know what I would have done without his constant help and support, he turned his life inside out for me, a debt I can never fully repay.
But now I feel so trapped, and I don't know how to break free with out sounding ungrateful for what they've done -my best friend especially. The problem is that I'm not the short, fluffy and helpless female most of them see me as, yes I am disabled, yes I have other difficulties stemming from my past, but the fact that I'm still up and fighting should count for something surely.
Last year I was told that there is no cure for what's wrong with me, and since then it's taken me some time to accept and get over. Now I figure that it's time to go out and get my life back, to pick back up as much as my old life as I can, and change to something new the things I can no longer do or just find new ways to do them.
Yet it feels as if each time I try, someone is suddenly standing there listing all the reasons why I can't or shouldn't. As if everyone's trying to wrap me up in cotton wool and keep me locked away from the rest of the world for my own safety.
I know that most of the time I will need crutches to walk, I know that sometimes I may even need a wheelchair. I have come to terms with this, just as I have come to terms with the fact that words like disability make a lot of people run as far away from you as they can. But what I refuse to accept is feeling like a naughty child every time I try to do something for myself, or feeling guilty when I do need help to do simple things that others take for granted...
My body maybe fucked, but my mind works just fine thank you!!
I love every single one of them, I know how lucky I am to have their support and understanding. I know I couldn't cope without them... But I want the freedom to cope with the stuff I can by myself, support shouldn't mean the removal of independence.
Why do emotions always try to get in the way...07:53 Mar 04 2010
Times Read: 591
A while ago now I made the decision to not only be single, but to remain single. With cold logical reason I walked away from a wonderful man, he wasn't perfect but the lack was in me not in him. We are still each others best friend -I even help try and get him dates, and babysit so he can go out on them, and we raise our children together. The reason I walked was simple, not only wasn't I what he needed, I finally admitted to myself that I'm incapable of existing within a relationship.
And yet...
Recently I met someone who makes me re-question myself, but the answers still come back the same.
Even though he sees me in a way no one has ever seen me, he walks through my walls as if they are not there and he makes me smile when I want to scream. I still hold back clinging to what I know of myself, telling myself he's just another of the many friends who happen to be male that I have.
He's promised to catch me if I fall, held out his hand and heart many times for me to take. Yet I seem frozen, unable to decide which would cause him least pain, me reaching out or walking away yet again.
Almost Same Person Different Name...21:38 Mar 03 2010
Times Read: 598
I started this profile as Midnight Angel -a name that had several meanings to me, but as someone who's always in flux as they grow and learn. Those reasons changed and now so has the name at the top of my profile.
This may seem a little odd to some, but your profile is after all supposed to reflect the person creating it.
Many things will never change about me... I will always support the fight against child abuse or any kind of abuse in fact, I will always rattle on about nothing and everything to anyone brave enough to talk to me. Just as I will always have a weak spot for cute things, and try to make people laugh when I'm feeling down and blue.
So what has changed...
For a start I no longer feel the need to explain myself. -except for what is written in this post- I am who I am, and if I am misunderstood, so be it. I'm far from perfect, but you show me a perfect person and I will show you a lie.
Nor do I plan to apologise or try to hide parts of my nature in an attempt to fit in any more. I freely admit that there are parts of me that are broken or have never had the chance to grow and develop, that in turns I can be cold and harsh or caring and sympathetic. And as part of this I shall no longer play along trying to be something that people will like.
Like me or loath me, I have discovered it no longer matters.
And now I shall finish with a gentle warning.
Sometimes I may seem quite ignorant of every day things that others take for granted, but this is due to never having the chance to experience such things, not through lack of intelligence.
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COMMENTS
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FallenxPrincess
18:09 May 19 2010
I for one understand where you are coming from. And what you say is only the truth. They do need to allow you to have your space and what you can for yourself. I certainly hope everything gets better for you and works out for the best hun.
You know I Loves YA!
~HUGS~
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