The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Not that anyone's going to read this, I'm just writing it for myself, no one else. Basically just a rant. Just a note to myself saying, "Hey, Self, get it together."

Only a few months ago I was happy, truly happy. Nothing was fucking with my life, things were good. Then, I suddenly revert back to old habits. I just spent the last hour on-and-off sobbing for no reason and I couldn't stop. I've started cutting, it's worse then it used to be. I was doing well for a few days, but I did it again tonight. I don't know why I started in the first place. The thrill? Adrenaline, maybe? To know all I have to do is push down just a little bit harder, to have that power within my grasp? I don't know.

I think it may have started with the first crush I've had since first grade. I like him alot, but I know he likes someone else and I'm not going to embarrass myself by telling him only to be rejected. I just can't do it any more, and I don't even want to this time around. I feel as if I'm forsaken and I don't know what to do with all the emotions coursing through my veins.

All I want in this world right now is to be loved for myself, unconditionally. I want someone who will not nag at me, or accuse me of things I didn't do. I want a love that will sit with me and listen to what need, want, have to say without judgment. I don't want to be afraid of myself. I don't want to be afraid of life. I don't want to be past the point of no return and completely hopeless at sixteen. I don't want to go through all of this again. I want things to go back to what they used to be; simpler, easier, less confusing. Other than that, I don't know what I want out of my life anymore. I can't even write my stories anymore, something I loved to do, because of this fucking self-induced detriment. I have no motivation for it.