The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

1. Good News, Bad News



An attractive secretary went into her boss's office one morning and told him she had some good and bad news for him.



"I'm very busy this morning," he said, "just tell me the good news."



"Umm...," said the secretary, "The good news is that you're not sterile."





2. The Grand Exalted Potentate



The wife heard her husband come home much earlier than his usual time. "Hon, what happened to your lodge meeting?" she asked.



"It was postponed." he replied. "The wife of the Grand Exalted Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."

As the manager passed the blonde's cubicle, he noticed she was sobbing. He asked, "What's the matter?"



She replied, "I just learned that my mother died this morning."



The boss felt sorry for her. "Go on home and take the day off."



"Thanks, but I'd rather stay here and work to keep my mind off it," she said.



He agreed, and she stayed on.



A couple of hours later, he checked in on her and found her crying hysterically. "Now what? Are you okay? Are you sure you don't want to go home?" he asked.



"No!" exclaimed the blonde. "I just spoke with my sister and got more terrible news: her mother died, too!"

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.



The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.

They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.



The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.



The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

Driving to the office this morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 miles per hour with her face up close to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup!! It scared me (I’m a man) so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which, knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand! In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car, using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn BIG JIM AND THE ROUND TWINS. Causing me to scream, which made me drop the cigarette out of my mouth, ruined my shirt and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL.



DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, “Can you give me one last wish?”

She says, “Anything you want.”

He says, “After I die, will you marry Larry?”

She says, “But I thought you hated Larry.”



With his last breath, he says, “I do.”

Dear Abby:



I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.



The usual signs ... Phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."



I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive, although I can hear a car setting off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?



I once picked up her cell hone just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.



Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but, last night, she went out again and I decided to really check on her.



I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she comes home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the rocker boxes on my engine seem to leaking a little oil.



I this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the dealer?



Thanks,

Jim

The guy says, “Doc, I’m having trouble getting it up.”

The doctor examines him and says, “You’ll need to have some work done to bring back your sex drive. I can do it in a series of operations that will take thirty days and cost twelve thousand dollars, or I can do it in one operation right away that would cost thirty thousand dollars. Why don’t you go home and discuss it with your wife?”

The next day the guy comes back into the doctor’s office. The doctor says, “What did you decide?”

He says, “We’re going to re-do the kitchen.”

This fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, “I want to kill my wife.”

“I’m sorry Sir,” the pharmacist replied, “but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can’t sell you any Cyanide.”

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife. The pharmacist looks at the photo of the ugliest woman he has ever seen, blushes and replies, “I am sorry Sir, let me get it for you… I didn’t realize you had a prescription.”

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.



The Hawaiian woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.



The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.



The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.



The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.



The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?



After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

A guy and his buddy are at a bar talking to each other about the hectic week they’ve both had.

One guy says to his friend, “I’ve been having all these freudian slips lately man, its getting bad… The other day I was at the train station and I accidently asked for two tickets to Tittsberg!”

The other guy says, “Thats nothing. Yesterday, at breakfast, instead of asking my wife to pass the butter, I accidentally said, ‘You fucking bitch. You ruined my life!'".

An old irish man walks into his local pub out at the docks, sits down and orders a pint.

He says, “Hey bartender, you see this bar? I built this bar with my own 2 hands. 30 feet of solid oak…I built this bar! But they don’t call me McGregor the Barbuilder.”



He takes a sip of his beer and says “Hey bartender, you see that dock? I built that dock with my own 2 hands….275 feet of solid oak, I built that dock! But they don’t call me McGregor the Dockbuilder.”



He takes another sip of his beer and says, “But lad, you fuck one goat…”

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man.

So the devil walks up to him and says “Do you know who I am?”

and the old man sips his beer and answers “yep”.

The Devil says “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The old man looks over and says “I’ve been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?”

1st bloke: Hey! I had a great time last night! When I was on my way home, I took a short cut across the railway line, and you’ll never guess! I came across a woman tied to the traintrack! So I untied her, took her home and had the best fuck of my life….honest.



2nd bloke: Did ya get a blow job?



1st bloke: No, I couldn’t find the head….

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person… because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”



Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little fucker on your knee!”

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.



Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”



“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”



“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

A guy’s talking to a girl in a bar.

He says, “What’s your name?”

She says, “Carmen.”

He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”

She says, “No, I named myself.”

He says, “Why Carmen?”

She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He says, “Beerfuck.”

A Texas Tech graduate, a University of Texas grad and a Texas Aggie were sitting in a bar in San Antonio. The view of the river was fantastic, the beer was ice cold and the food exceptional.



‘But,’ said the guy from Tech, ‘I still prefer the beer joints back in Lubbock. There’s one place where the owner goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy 4 beers, he will buy the 5th.’



The Longhorn said ‘Well, at my local bar in Austin, the owner will buy your 3rd drink after you’ve bought 2.’



‘Hell, that’s nothing’,’ the Aggie responded. ‘Back in College Station there’s this bar where the moment you set foot in the place they’ll buy you a drink and keep them coming all night. Then when you’ve had enough to drink, they take you upstairs and see that you get laid. And it’s all on the house.’



The Red Raider and the Longhorn immediately doubted the Aggie’s claims.

”And this actually happened to you?’ asked the Tech grad.

‘No, not me personally,’ admitted the Aggie. ‘But it did happen to my sister.’

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

“What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.

“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?”

"Yeah, my first blowjob.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

“Senor, these are the cojones,” the waiter replied.

“The what, you say?” exclaimed the tourist.

“They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today,” explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter: “Today’s cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday.”



“True, senor,” agreed the waiter. “You see, the bull, he does not always lose.”

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”

“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.

“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.

“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.

“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours.”

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says “Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I’m granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.”



The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren;” and *poof* she’s gone.



The second says, “I want to be Madonna;” and *poof* she’s gone.



The third says, “I want to be Sara Pipalini.”



St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.



“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says; “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”



The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No sister, the paper says it was the ‘Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.”

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said “Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”



Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”



Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”



Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.”



Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance… Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, and that’ll do us just fine.”



By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”



Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far…”

An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip. She drives because she can see and he rides because he can hear. After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says “I need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration please.”



The woman turns to her husband and shouts “WHAT DID HE SAY?”



The husband replies, “HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION!”



The woman gives the documents to the officer and after studying her license the cop says, “Oh, you’re from Chicago. I’ve been there. Actually, the worse piece of ass I ever had was in Chicago!”



The woman turns to her husband and shouts “WHAT DID HE SAY?”



And the husband replies, “HE SAYS HE KNOWS YOU!”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.



The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks “What is your occupation?”



The woman replies, “I’m a high-priced whore.”



The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”



The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl!”



“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”



They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”



The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?”



“Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year.”

A motorcycle officer stopped a man who ran a red light. The guy was a real jerk, demanding, "Why am I being harassed by the Gestapo?!"



The officer calmly told him of his violation.



The man erupted in a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry and sexual orientation in explicit terms.



The officer took it in stride, saying nothing. When he finished writing the citation, he put "AH" in the corner and then handed it to the man to sign.



The man demanded to know what "AH" meant.



The officer stared straight into his eyes and said, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you were such an asshole!" and then returned to his cruiser.



The violator's bad record meant that he would lose his license, so he hired a hot-shot attorney to represent him. The defense attorney called the officer to the stand and asked, "Officer, is there any particular marking on this citation you don't normally make?"



"Why, yes, sir, there is. Near the bottom there's an underlined 'AH.'"



"What does 'AH' stand for, officer?"



"Aggressive and hostile, sir."



"Aggressive and hostile?"



"Yes, sir."



"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for 'asshole'?"



The officer grinned. "Well, sir, you know your client better than I!"

Two nuns slipped out of the convent for a night on the town.



They hit the clubs until closing, but to re-enter the convent grounds they had to crawl under a chain link fence. Crawling on their bellies, one was drunk enough to pretend it was barbed wire. "Doesn't this make you feel like a Marine?" she asked.



"Sure," the other grunted, "but where are we gonna find one at this hour?"

Questions first, then the answers. No cheating.



1. Name the only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?



2. Only three words in Standard English begin with the letters "dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.



3. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."



4. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?







Okie, ready for the answers? Here ya go:





1. The only sport in which the ball is always in possession of the team on defense and the offensive team can score without touching the ball is ... Baseball.



2. Three English words beginning with dw..... Dwarf, Dwell, and Dwindle. (Hey, they forgot about Dweeb!)





3. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S"....Shoes, Socks, Sandals, Sneakers, Slippers, Skis, Skates, Snowshoes, Stockings, Stilts.



4. The North American landmark constantly moving backward is ... Niagara Falls. (The rim is worn down about two-and-a-half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

1. Life On Mars



I noticed a team of Hungarian scientists have identified photographs which has led them to believe there's life on Mars.



They found thousands of dark stains on the surface of the planet.



Take it from me. What this means is that Mars is covered with expensive carpet and is populated by Chihuahuas.





2. Amazing!



One race horse boasted to his stall mates, "I won 8 of my last 15 races!"



Another horse responded, "Oh, yeah? I won 19 of my last 27 races!"



A third said, "That's not bad, but I won 28 of my last 36 races!"



A greyhound piped up, "Not to boast, but I won 88 of my last 90 races!"



The horses were amazed. "Wow! A talking dog!"

1. Marriage



"Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" -- Rita Rudner





2. Fidelity



"You could use your old computer to shop for a new computer online. But that seems kind of cruel, doesn't it? Like asking your dying spouse if he or she has any cute friends." -- Scott Ostler





3. Obsession



"While getting dressed one morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was." -- Unknown

A married couple was lying in bed together.



Suddenly she felt his hand on her shoulder.



She murmured gently, "Ahh... nice."



His hand moved to her breast.



She grew more excited, "Sweetie, that's wonderful."



His hand moved to her leg.



She moaned, "Honey, don't stop!"



But then he stopped.



"Why did you stop?"



He responded with a click, "Because I found the remote!"

The distressed-looking man had downed several drinks in rapid succession before the bartender asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows, buddy?"



"You could say that," the guy replied.



"It usually doesn't work, you know."



"No shit," the man moaned. "I can't even get my wife anywhere near the water!"

1. Waiting





"What? You say you love her, and yet, when you saw her with another man, you did nothing?"



"I'm waiting," said Jeb.



"Waiting for what, Jeb?"



"Waiting to catch her with a smaller guy!"







2. The Last Word





By definition, the woman always has the last word in any argument.



Anything a man says after her is the beginning of a new argument!

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.



They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.



The Queen turns to President Bush saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."



Bush, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.



We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snoggle and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.



"What's that?" I asked.



"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.



I said, "No."



We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.



I went back to her place.



She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"