The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A young boy came home from playing and went up to his mother, saying, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the Woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ... "



At this point, the boy's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight!"



At the dinner table, she asked little Johnny to tell his story.



"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane," began Johnny. "I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

A woman met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates and asked if she could join her late husband, Walter Smith.



"We have a lot of Walter Smiths here," said St. Peter, "which one is yours?"



"My Walter is bald with blue eyes and he said that if I ever slept with another man, he'd turn over in his grave," said the woman.



St. Peter motioned to a nearby angel.



"Hey, Gabriel. Take her over to Whirling Walter!"

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her first trip to New York City and was serving refreshments to her Southern belle friends on her Daddy's mansion's front porch. It was a hot summer day, but her tales held them spellbound.



"In New York City," said Miss Annabelle, "they have men who kiss other men on the lips."



Miss Annabelle's friends fanned themselves faster and said, "Oh, my!"



"They call them homosexuals," proclaimed Miss Annabelle. "They also have women in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"



"Oh, my!" exclaimed the girls, as the pace of the fanning increased.



"They call them lesbians," said Miss Annabelle. "And they have men in New York City who kiss women between the legs," said Miss Annabelle.



"Oh, my!" said the girls from the edge of their chairs "What are they called?"



Miss Annabelle replied with a smile, "After I caught my breath, I called him 'Precious'!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"



The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."



There is a silence, then a shot is heard.



The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."



The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.



The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.



And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.

Olaf & Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.



"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied.

Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.



"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands.



"Vhere dit yew git dat monster??" "Vell," replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."



"You haff a genie in yor tackle pox?" Sven asked.



"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle pox," says Olaf.



"Could I see him?" So Olaf opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"



"Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears

back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.



Shortly, the sky darkens & is filled with the sound of a million ducks...flying overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimminy I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

Olaf answers,



"Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat DA genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.



Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.



"A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.



"Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.



"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!



"And you think YOU have family problems!!!"

”Frank was honoured to be selected as a judge at the chili cook-off during our trip to Texas. I think they offered it to him because we’re Brits, and afterwards I did wonder if they perhaps disliked the Brits. But anyway, Frank can't eat spicy food and although the other two judges guaranteed the chili wouldn't be too hot, he only eventually agreed to take part on the promise of free beer throughout the tasting."



The judging notes from the event:

Mike's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1: A little too heavy on the tomato, But has an amusing kick.

Judge #2: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Frank: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



Arthur's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Fred's Barn Burning Chili

Judge #1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Frank: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!



Bubba's Black Magic Chili

Judge #1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2: A Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?



Linda's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2: A Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Frank: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.



Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good spice balance

Judge #2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Frank: I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!



Susan's Screaming Sensation

Judge #1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.



Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

Judge #1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence

Judge #2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Frank passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili

A 300-pound woman was a true boxing fan, so much so that she hired a tattoo artist to give her a tattoo of Mike Tyson on one leg and Mohammad Ali on the other leg. He got to work and when he finished, he proudly told her to take a look.



"What have you done?" she cried. "That doesn't look like Mike Tyson! And that doesn't look like Mohammad Ali! I'm not paying for these. They're terrible!"



The tattooist was angry and offended. "They do look like them! I've never had anyone complain before!"



He thought a moment, and then suggested, "How about if we go outside and ask the first person we see. If he thinks these are good likenesses, you pay. If not, they're free."



She agreed.



The first person they found was a wimpy little guy who looked scared to death of the two of them. She hiked up her skirt, showed him the Tyson tattoo, and asked, "Look, buddy, just tell us the truth: who does this look like to you?"



He hesitated and then softly said, "I don't know."



Triumphantly, she showed him Mohammad Ali. "Great. And who does THIS look like to you?"



Not wanting to offend this mountain of a woman and her tattooed companion, the wimp stuttered,



"Uh, I don't know that one either… but that one in the middle is definitely Don King!"

"Well, Ted," said Bob, "you're certainly moving up in the world. Now you play golf with not one, but two caddies?"



"It was my wife's idea," said Ted.



"Your wife? How's that?"



"She said I needed to spend more time with the kids!"