The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A middle-aged man, obsessed with women's breasts, asked a psychologist for help.



"Let's begin with word association," said the doctor. "I'll say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your mind."



"Okay," said the man.



Psychologist: "Melons."



Man: "Breasts."



Psychologist: "Apples."



Man: "Breasts."



Psychologist: "Oranges."



Man: "Breasts."



This was a deep problem, thought the psychologist, but he continued.



"Windshield wipers."



"Breasts."



"Whoa!" said the psychologist. "Melons, sure. Apples and oranges, maybe. But windshield wipers? What's the connection there?" he asked.



"Easy, doc," said the man. "There's one on the left and one on the right!"

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students.



She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"



"No, I don't," said the little boy.



"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."



Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out, Bobby! It's a piece of ass!"

Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.



They stopped and discovered an unconscious, nude woman.

Out of respect and propriety, the Buccaneers fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.



The Dolphins fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.

Following their lead, the Panthers fan took off his cap and placed over her nether region.



The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his investigation.



First, he lifted up the Buccaneers cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down a few notes.



Next, he lifted up the Dolphins cap, looked, replaced it and wrote down some more notes.



Then he lifted up the Panthers cap, looked, replaced it, scratched his head, lifted it again and looked, replaced it, thought for a minute then lifted it again, looked and finally replaced it before writing down some notes.



The Panthers fan was getting a little upset and asked, "What are you, a pervert or something! Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer, "I'm simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Panthers cap I find an asshole."

A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.



"I don't want to know," said his son, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."



Confused, the father asked what was wrong.



The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I go the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. Now, if you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.



The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.



Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.



She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

1. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.



2. I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



3. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.



4. I've learned that it is not what you wear, it is how you take it off.



5. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.



6. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.



7. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."



Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.



As he walked down the street, he realized that, without his headaches, he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."



The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see.... size 44 long."



Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years!" the salesman said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.



As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"



Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."



The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."



Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"



"Been in the business 60 years."



Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.



Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"



Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."



The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."



Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."



The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.



English muffins weren't invented in England or French Fries in France.



Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.



We take English for granted but, if we explore its paradoxes, we find that.... quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?



If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?



If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat?