The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Member: loverofmike

Subject: how

Date: Apr 30 2007



Question: how dose this work

Mostly absent, mentally, emotionally.



I think I'm getting really really good at putting up a cheerful front. Is there a band called Downward Spiral? ... No, what a git - it was a Nine Inch Nails album. The song Hurt keeps rolling through my head.



I accidentally smacked my hand in the file cabinet drawer at work today. It startled me that it actually hurt.



Maybe too numb inside is possible.



People keep asking me if I'm ok; it's frustrating, because I can't really give an honest answer, at least not more honest than, "I don't know." People keep asking me, "How's your dad?" Will they take "Dying." as an answer? I can see on their faces they want me to tell them either, "Well, he's picking up marvelously!" or "Resting comfortably," or some other inane non-answer. Again with the not really able to give the honest answers. "Not good" seems to be the closest I can get.



Things are cracking. I'm half afraid one of those things might be me, sometimes. Sometimes.

The docs put in a PEG line this morning. It's a permanently attached feeding tube directly into his tummy.



...



I am just about of the opinion it would be kinder to let him go.



Almost.

So. I can't sleep.



Again.



I am, at this point, refusing to clean tonight. I may give in and put away the clean dishes. But, it's grown so damned late it's early.



Made a nummy dinner last night, sweetened by the presence of my sister, her boyfriend (my friend) and his son (also my friend). I made fresh cooked spinach, a three-squash medley simmered with oyster mushrooms and fresh ginger, steaks, and for desert fresh blueberries, strawberries (diced) and cranberries with fresh whipped cream.



It was good.



It all went very well with the wine Kely and Cyan got me for Christmas.

1. I am debating on shaving my legs. It's been ... a LONG damn time since I have.





2. I don't recommend anyone ever ever ever have a kidney stone. ... Ever.

The docs are asking my brother and I about a DNR for my dad.

I'm missing my daddy something fierce.



So I pulled one of his shirts out of his closet and am wearing it today.

Too funked to make a real journal entry.



Sorry.

'Cause You're Collecting Recipes.



(All you other mofos out there with good recipes, send some to her.)





Filipino Menudo (Serves 6-8)



3 pounds pork or beef, shredded or ground

1/3 cup vinegar

1/4 cup soy sauce

2 tablespoons sugar

1-2 cloves crushed garlic

1 bay leaf

1 teaspoon pepper

1 medium onion chopped small





Throw all that shit in a pot or crockpot and let it simmer until the meat is fall apart tender.





THEN ADD:



4-5 Sweet green peppers cut into strips

2 cups frozen or (drained) can peas

6 small potatoes cubed (small cubes) and browned in oil





Serve with rice.







IF YOU WANT HEAT IN IT:



Add 3 or more diced cilantro peppers and simmer with the meat from the very beginning.









*MWAH!*

You know, I'm SO glad this global warming thing has kicked in, otherwise we'd be having unseasonably chilly weather and stuff all over the continent.



[end sarcasm]

So. I completely reorganized and cleaned my kitchen, washroom and pantry tonight. Why is it that when you clean you end up filthy?!



I couldn't be fuckered to record this entry. It'll be short enough.



Hehe. My mordant sense of humor is displayed in my kitchen.



In order to make coffee, you have to decapitate the penguin (cookie jar) to get a filter.



=)

Ahahahahaha !! Go To TD's Journal. Read the entry "God we're nerds" from April 14 2007 in Primitive Epic section.



*giggle*



Proud is what we should be. PROUD.

SO. Here is more proof that I'm a jackass.



*snicker*



I am still working out the kinks on this audio journal bit.



You guys get to share my growing pains. ;)





Listen First:













Listen Second:















(See? Growing pains. I actually HAD saved it. *snort*)

Ok. So. I am going to be a geek and do audio entries for a while, more than likely interspersed with the normal (as if my writing is normal - I know I'm fucking weird) written entries.



HUGE PROPS go to CountessMoon for helping me figure out just how to accomplish this wild hair of an idea.

Thank you, sugar!

Beware hot food!



I just burned the fuck out of my gums.



This warning brought to you by a woman who should know better.

Why do I have such expensive tastes?



Chanel No. 5 Parfum (not the Eau de Toilette Spray), is my favourite perfume. My Absolute favourite.



=/

Obviously, sleeping didn't work.

...



"is it ok to say that she is a craptacular piece of inorganic shit?"





::laughter::



Absolutely. Say away, honey, say away.

They did a procedure today, no idea what the fuck it's called. I can't remember. They stuck a tube into his chest to draw out the fluid, as the antibiotics aren't touching it.

They're going to run tests galore to see what's going on in there.



=/ Here's to hoping it's not even more weird bad stuff.



On a side note: When my family gets together, Texas comes out strong in my voice.



It'll take me days to lose it again.

Of course, regarding that previous journal entry, I may be being over-sensitive.

Most who have been reading my journal will understand why the phrase "heart surgery" are like a red flag for me at the moment.



Darkicewolf, in the box earlier today, mentioned she didn't need drama at high school because of her heart surgery. So. She was asked what kind of surgery. i was wondering maybe young transplant recipient, severe murmur, something, that had been repaired.



...



Nope.



She said she had her heart "Fixed and stuff, you know, repairs made" and that they found a silver bullet in her heart. Three weeks ago. She said this with all seriousness, like she expected it to be believed and sympathized with.



So, I asked this evening in the vampbox, for a bit more information for something, granted, it was a sardonic asking, something along the lines of, "... darkicewolf ... ahh, the teenybopper who claims she had open heart surgery three weeks ago to remove a silver bullet from her heart. Do tell. *raises eyebrow*" To which she eventually responded n the box with something like, 'Req I got no beef with you, leave me alone."



So, evileric, who used to go by vicious on here, decided to tell me I was flaming. When I asked him how, he sent me a PM. Here are our exchanges:







On 02:45:25 Apr 11 2007 evileric wrote:



it was rude and unnessacary it was ment to hurt.. so yes i consider it a flame.. but you in your boundless wisdom probly wouldnt consider it a flame











On 02:54:12 Apr 11 2007 Requiem wrote:



Rude and unnecessary and meant to hurt? *snort* What, like creating this fabric of lies in order to gain sympathy from credulous boobies is NOT rude, unnecessary and meant to hurt?



Heart surgery for a freaking silver bullet indeed. At the time she is making journal entries about wearing thongs and attending school.



And yes, you can share this with her. I could give two shits.



And no, I did not flame in public. I asked, obliquely, for an explanation. One was not forthcoming, only more bluster and ridiculous comments from the peanut gallery. Since you stuck your nose in, you get to have it nipped.



*snort*











On 03:01:20 Apr 11 2007 evileric wrote:



was it any of your concern? if you dont like her or dont care for wht she writes then ignore her your older by a long shot your in higher ranking than her so act it dont take cheap shots at ppl if you dont want to get called on it simple as that act your age.. shes young and prone to lieing











On 03:05:54 Apr 11 2007 Requiem wrote:



... SO liars are ok?



I LOATHE lies.



My father is scheduled for open heart surgery. Was scheduled for it tomorrow morning. No longer is. He's taken a downturn even more health-wise, and is no longer a good candidate for surgery.



Point is, i found that load of bullshit offensive as hell, and add to it, it's for fake sympathy and coolness factor? Fuck's sake!



I am acting my age. Sugar. I am offended by her intensely. I do not excuse liars.











On 03:13:43 Apr 11 2007 evileric wrote:



first off drop the pet names..im not your pet and never will be.. and second off.. im sorry to hear bout your father.. but that aside.. im sure she didnt do it to make a mockery of you or what your going through or even to offend you so put your personal feelings aside your part of the admin team its you duty to do such you have power that most dont you should use it wisely











On 03:24:07 Apr 11 2007 Requiem wrote:



*snort*



Drop the power issue. It dos not put you on a high horse, merely in an untenable position. I did not abuse it, nor am I likely to. You've a terrible track record for even trying to bring up misbehaviour with a straight face at any rate.



Whatever her motives, it's still ridiculous and offensive.



As for the pet names, I'm a southern woman. They happen.











ahh but i gives a fuck what my track record is.. see the past is the past... and i paid for what i did.. and southern or not.. watch the names.. :) just a helpfull hint.. and no matter what you thought bout what she said.. she has fredom of speach.. and acording to the guidelines of the box or where ever she posted it she had right to say it.. cus it wasnt political or otherwise..so dont chastise her for it ok? she is alowed to clame what ever she wants about herself if im not mistaken.. and btw its cus of my past transgresions that i am wel versed in things of tis mater









I've elected to not continue this discussion. Nothing said on either side will make one of us see the other's point of view.



*snort* I find it amusing however, that one with the history he has would presume to try and tell me that I "broke the rules" with my comment in the vamp box. Nice? No, not really, pointing out someone's lie in public is not nice. Flaming? Not by a long shot. Intolerant of me? You betcha. I can definitely be intolerant. Stupidity and lies make me see red. Willful stupidity, even more so.

'Member I was in a zombie movie?



Click me to watch "Darkness within: The making of a zombie movie." This is not the movie, but a montage of its production. You'll see me a time or two. Once, running down an incline and again, reaching up to eat the director.



Yum ... creativity. ♥



LOL

My mind feels like I'm thinking through a tunnel of cheesecloth. I think I'm a bit shocky.



Spoke with the docs yesterday, and dad DID have a pretty significant stroke that first week, hence the not knowing me, the confusion and violence, the trying to break my fingers ...



He was still on for the surgery tomorrow at that point.



Spoke with Dr. Connor today. Dad's taken a turn for the worse and is "no longer a good candidate for surgery." The man has never pulled punches in the time I've known him. I can appreciate that in a doctor. But I don't think I wanted honesty when I asked him if Dad was eventually going to get better and come home. "... I don't think so, Donna."



I'm kind of numb.



I think this is going to be ugly when the emotional insulation wears off.

So. The surgery is scheduled for next Wednesday. They'll be replacing the aortic valve and doing as many of the seriously blocked 5 vessels bypass as they can.



They're having to keep dad fairly sedated. He keeps cold-cocking nurses and being violent at people, and when he gets that worked up, he could push himself into another cardiac event, and the docs think that would be fatal.





So. Wednesday.







I am terrified of Wednesday.

I don't even want to try to update right now.



Too depressing.



Meh.

Messages sent to Cancer:



Requiem: So. Moonie and Sahahria and I were wondering ... as this is really a Cancerocracy, you're really kind of like the Godfather, right? So the Dominars could be part of your Mafia enforcer type people, yes? And, follow me here, That's kinda hot. We'd all be like mobsters and stuff. Instead of saying we are closing threads we could say," Want me to wack 'em boss?" ... They asked me who had the balls to ask you about it. I have no shame.



Requiem: Think about it. The Gothic Godfather. ... *giggle* Ok, that's funny.



Moonie must now make us tags for our profiles with mobster names.



Oh. No reply from Da Man yet on the Mafioso tag lines. He's probably picking out a really neat suit to wear while he leaves a horse's head in my bed for impertinence. *giggle snort*



*snicker*



(I so need the giggle)

Ok. SO I created a goober portfolio to check something out while assisting someone with an acolyte question.



In the description area, I have: "Don't rate it there's not a damn thing here. Testing something out."



...



SEVEN people have rated me so far.



No pictures. Just ... that ... ONE ... statement.

Well, the Docs tried to lift his sedation today.



Every time they did he'd try to take tubes out and get extremely agitated.



=/



My poor Poppy.

When they ring, they've started almost invoking a terror response. It takes a bit for my heart to calm down, "Ok, no, it's not terrible news."



*sigh*

Well, this morning, things looked fabulous. They looked so much better than earlier this week.



The docs were able to remove the breathing tube from Dad, and he was doing fine without.



THen, between one breath adn the next, he started saying he wanted to go home, take a shower, take th antibiotics there, and maybe he'd come back. He astarted getting belligerent and combative with everyone - the docs, my brother, the nurses ...



He started trying to get out of bed (the man can't walk or stand without assistance) and my brother had to hold him back while the nurse got help. My Dad accused my brother of trying to give him a heart attack.



They ended up restraining him. WHen I tried to calm him, holding his hand and talking, he ordered me to remove the restraints. I said, "No, Sir, Daddy I can't do that." He tried to break my fingers.



=/



The docs sedated him, put him back on the breathing machine so they could keep him at least mildly sedated. They're running several tests; they think it's a possibility that he may have had a stroke some time this week that just didn't present with all the other shit going on.