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what is it like

to become immortal?

how do i keep track of all the memories?

photos fade, cds scratch

and all who aren't like me would soon pass and crumble to dust

i've lived so long already

it's difficult to imagine this experience magnified much more

stretching downs the oceans of time

the ticking clock of mortality stopped

what would be my sense of purpose?

would i be relaxed since i'm freed from the stingy mortal coils of death?

or would i be no longer motivated as there is no longer an unknown deadline over my actions?

do i truly want to stay in this human body with all of its flaws and burdens for so long?

i guess you don't know until you try it;)



written 07/30/2007

15 min freewrite



i'm not really sure what i think today

i want to write a good song in the baddest way.

on the flip side

how much insanity runs through my head?

i feel dead when i eat bread

is there really nothing left?

or did i bury it so deep it went to sleep?

shake em up on the flip side

karma is a bitch

i hate to itch

dragon's breath

steam will rise

blue skies hide the lies

if i'm just writing just to write how much is this worth?

can i really go for 15 minutes?

i let myself get weighed down by shame

my brain has been consumed by guilt

and in the process i seem to have lost me

is it ever enough?

that part of me that makes music

maybe the cost is too high to forget

and yet it feels too dangerous to remember

i've lost everything

and all that is left is a

shallower sicker less inspired empty shell of a girl.

just a girl.

nothing more

i used to want to kick and scream and shout and yell

"let me the fuck out!"

now i'm so tired

i feel like i'm dying inside

fear has spread through my soul like a disease

it clutches at the edge of my mind

it taints everything i touch

i come across angry and bitter

unable to tolerate even the smallest discrepancies

sometimes i hate myself so much it hurts!

i used to want so bad to be a part of the VIP crowd?

but what the fuck does it take to make real friends?

do any of them even know what real friends are

or is it all just about that goddamn scene and more drama?

i'm not tall enough or i'm too fat or too intellectual

so far removed from the primal base energy

i rue the day i ever even heard of autism or asberger's syndrome

it's all too familiar

and it feels like yet another nail in the coffin of my social life

where are the other people?

what happened to my friends?

when did they get replaced by these laughing strangers?

why am i always alone in the cold to the bitter end?

everything i think and dream feels like a cliched lie

i used to dream i'd like to fly

now i'm scared to look to the sky

the sun is too bright

heaven doesn't want me and hell is too demanding

fuck the "vamps" fuck the "scene"

fuck everything that should be me

why the hell can't i do what i want?

drink blood, fuck, and kill

i want to be an animal

and scream my rage so loud it's heard everywhere

i want nothing to do with red tape, paper work, quiet subservience,

following the masses, plodding along soulless and brave no more.

i wanna smash your face in, drink my fill, break your neck and throw you in the river

then i want to jump in the ocean and go down, down, down.

to the deep undersea cities

i want to burn down every starbucks within 100 miles of here

then every mcdonald's. then every wendy's. then Bank of America.

fuck these chains. fuck the liberals who talk mad shit and never back it up with action!

i want our President to get his withered ass escorted to a concentration camp

him and all his shady associates who cut our freedoms left and right

i want squatting to be legal and building of new houses or developments forbidden for the next 50 years until shit balances out.

designated bike lanes in every town

and no local train or bus fare anywhere over 1 dollar

I want 1 dollar to mean something to this economy again

i'm sick of looking like a girl

i'm sick of everything i do or choose not to do being a statement somehow attached to that

i hate having tits

i wish i had a dick so i could conquest more freely

the only reason why i want to lose weight is so i look less like a girl!

i want to truly be androgynous

ANDRO ROCKS!!!!



end of freewrite



Just wanted to say this was a pretty pissed off rant about oppression, and hypocrisy and people that are fake. The part about everything that should be me is more about expectations etc. I know there are good people out there and there are good aspects to the scene as well that i wouldn't miss for the world;) Thanks for reading!