The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

1.Leaves in the woods are not toilette paper...because yes that is poison oak

2.My dog is NOT a test animal...he’s still recovering from the chronic you gave him last week

3.No matter how many shrooms you eat, you will not fly off the roof...no I’m serious man, you might puke and fall to a terrible death, but you are not going to fly.

4.Throwing glass bottles and paint balls at police cars is only funny when the cop’s not in it...so fucking make sure next time!

5.Turpentine is not a good thing to wash your dads brand new Jag with...cause he was really pissed when you did it to the Volvo man.

6.Peeing on your neighbor’s lawn is funny, peeing on your neighbor is not...no not even if she asks you to, that’s gross.

7.Do not shave my mom’s cat...its funny watching mom’s face dude, but I feel kinda bad for the cat.

8.Playing stick ball with toasters for balls is only fun WHEN I’M NOT GETTING HIT WITH THEM!

9.My uncle’s respirator is not a toy...enough said.

10.No matter how much water you put in it, you can not drink gasoline...no, not even if it tastes good.

What? A question, shoot man, I’m all ears.

“If you stick a plastic fork in the light socket, will you still get shocked?”

Ye....um....I don’t know, why don’t you try it.

No, Arnie, NO!

I was kidding man.

Hey, you alright?

Dude.....

Arnie?

So there I was,

walking along,

minding my own business,

when all of the sudden,

I was attacked by a wall,

and not just any wall,

one of those freaking stucco walls with the grating shit

that takes off half you skin before you realize

what’s happening

and leaves little rocks behind as if to say

“Ha! I got you bitch!”

Yeah I know ya did,

you’re a freaking wall!

but anyways,

so there I am,

shredded on one side of my face

and out of the freaking blue,

I mean the FREAKING BLUE!

I hear laughter

I look up to see the craziest looking

S.O.B. I’ve ever seen in my life

honking his crazy as laugh at me.

SO I sit there,

hanging my head in contemplation,

and the jerk walks up to me.

“Hey man, you alright?”

As soon as he’s close,

I launch my self off the ground

like some mortal combat shit,

and BAM!!!!

punched that crazy turd

right in his mouth

He’s bleeding on the ground now!

but then the tides turn, and I hear

“Hey!”

I turn to see some huge ass

prowrestling,

gonna-use-you-as-toilette-paper

big guys walking straight for me.

my brain sorta clicks on for about

2 point 5 second right then and goes

“Oh shit”

It blinks back off just in time for the first punch.

SO there I am,

on the ground again

getting my amazon butt kicked,

when I hear

“Hey!”

so we all stop and turn,

me bleeding,

them not,

and I see five cops walking our way.

Usually I’m not a fan of cops,

but these guys look like fucking guardian angels.

So I kick up the tears real quick

the guys start stuttering,

the cops pull out their battons.

need I say more....

So I’m standing on the street corner,

watching them drive away,

and just as they turn the corner I yell

“Ya shoulda let me take my chances with the wall!”

So yeah

I was running through the park in my underware

so what!

It was dark!

Besides, I wasn't the one

running around with jello on my forehead

and twinkie cream on my ass cheeks

screaming

"I was the turrkey, I was the turkey!"

Oh yeah that was Arnie!

And I wasn't the one

peeing on the lamp post

and screaming the yellow submarine song!

that was Kale!

No I wasn't picking my nose

while you were talking officer

and yes I was flipping you the bird while your

back was turned!

Holy shit!

Run Arnie Run!!



"We have a four-eleven in progress, naked man loose on maple and steward. Be advised he is naked and possible carrying concealed twinkies."