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I have a psychiatric appointment tomorrow afternoon. I really don´t want to go. And I´ve got a tension headache now from worrying about it :(

I got my exam results. I´ve passed. I´m going to be graduating with a third class Honours degree. Damien is proud of me. My family don´t seem to care...

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
01:49 Jun 25 2009

Well I think its Great, Congratulations Hon,

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What should I talk about? How much should I say? Should I write about how I spent most of the day in bed? Or the fact I can´t stop crying? Or about how it hurts to even breathe? I say the words to people but they don´t hear them or the words don´t make sense. I struggle to find the right words sometimes. But sometimes there are no words. Just a feeling of endless hollowness.



Damien and I aren´t fighting. I almost wish we were. If we were mad at each other then I´d have anger to drive me. But we aren´t. Instead he´s frustrated and disappointed in me and I´m locked in a downward spiral. I´ve been falling apart all week. The last time I went to the river, I came so close to jumping in. It was only the thought of him blaming himself that stopped me. And the past two nights I´ve had trouble sleeping. The voices have been too loud.



I haven´t really been in control in days. Sometimes it´s like I go inside myself and watch and listen as my body and voice do and say things I don´t really want to. It´s like a compulsion. I can see what´s happening but it´s almost as if someone else is doing it.



It´s too much for Damien. I´ve been telling him for months that I don´t deserve him and that he deserves better than me. I should have kept my mouth shut. What if he´s started to believe it? The illness makes me wretched and I´ve wanted to cut for months now. But I haven´t. And it´s all because of him. He doesn´t want me to. But I´ve tried to go and do it the last two nights and he´s stopped me. And last night I had my little bottle of death. I´d packed all my bags up and I was planning to go out and find somewhere quiet to down it in peace. Once I take it they can only bring me back if they find me in time. I wasn´t going to let them find me.



How did I get so low? I have the most amazing man in my life. But I guess love isn´t love if it doesn´t hurt sometime. And today it hurts. We agreed that we´d take a break from each other. Which really means he gets a break from me. He says maybe a weekend but right now it feels like he really could turn round and say it´s over. I´d asked him if he´d let me come over today for a hug since things with my mum didn´t go well but he needs the break. He suggested going and talking to Aph and I was going to but my mum is determined I have to sort my uni stuff. How can I sort things whenever I´m having trouble just keeping my fingers moving across the keys to type this?



My mum´s gone to see The Priests in concert so I have no transport and I wouldn´t be able to explain to her why I was only staying for a few hours anyway. I could come up with excuses but I don´t have the energy to make them seem genuine. I guess another part of my reasoning for not going over, afterall I could get the bus, is that I asked if he wanted me to be away whenever he got back from his seeing his family. He said we´d play it by ear but I honestly couldn´t face it if I was there and he didn´t want to see me. It´s better if I stay away. He can decide if and when he wants me back. I´ll have to drop his parcels over at some point though.



I´m so scared he´ll really end it with me. At the end of the month we´ll have been together for half a year. That´s a big deal for me. I´ve only have one relationship last longer and it was my first. I was just a kid, barely a teenager then, and I saw it all through rose-tinted glasses. Who am I kidding? It was probably more like standing in a coal mine with the lights out. Memories have come flooding back this week and I´ve realised how bad it was then. For so long I only remembered the good times. Lying in the summer grass laughing. The shot speed races. The running in the rain. But now my head has shown me all that I blocked out, it seems that there were more bad times than good.



People confuse me so much. I feel guilty over so many things. But how can you possibly forget a sharp smack across the jaw for talking too much? Or being pushed to the ground for chatting to another male friend for too long? Or having your hand held over a fire and seeing the anger in someone else´s eyes, knowing that if you say the wrong thing, it´ll be more than your hand that gets burnt? We all forget. We all block out the bad things. And I guess that if the same bad things keep happening with different people, things blur together and you start to think that the old people weren´t so bad because the new pains are fresh.



I´m so lucky to have Damien. I love him and he loves me. He doesn´t hit me where no one will see the bruises. He doesn´t burn me with cigarette butts. He doesn´t carve up my flesh so no one will ever want to look at me. he doesn´t slap me across the face. He hugs me and makes me smile. He compliments me. He makes me believe in myself in a way no one else has managed. He does so much for me and yet I´m still so weak. I scared him earlier in the week when he thought I wanted to end the relationship but now I´m scared of him breaking up with me. And the worst part is, I probably deserve it.



I´ve watched so many break-ups over the past month. People filing for divorce and moving out from the home they share with their longterm partner and shorter relationships breaking down too. During my last week of uni Daisy and Crimson broke up. They´d been together for fourteen months. She spent the first day in bed. She was heartbroken and there was nothing I could do to help. They loved each other so much... A week later she was with a new boyfriend. That seems like rebound to me. But who am I to say? I screw up every single time. People always want rid of me in the end. That situation scares me though. If Damien broke up with me this weekend, could he just go off with another girl next weekend as though I never even mattered?



I don´t understand how people cope with social interactions. Half of the time I imitate the reactions that are expected of me. I see how people behave and react accordingly. But I don´t always feel emotions in the situations. I can´t comprehend how people make decisions and get through life. I struggle to make it through each day. Today I´ve been watching the clock, waiting for it to get to an appropriate time for me to take my night meds and go to sleep. The nightmares are bound to be bad tonight. They´re always worse when I´m alone. Being curled up next to Damien seems to help.



I got a phone call from uni yesterday. I´ve got a third. They want to know if I want to accept it or retake the exams under first-sitting rules. I don´t know what to do. I phoned my mum last night for reassurance and advice. She told me we´d talk about it today. And we did. I shouldn´t have bothered though. She says I´m an adult and I have to make my own decisions. I know that but I need guidance. I´ve been in education for eighteen years. Suddenly that weird form of support has been taken away and I don´t know what way to turn to keep myself from falling into the abyss. I need advice and reassurance. Now I can´t even get a hug from her.



I don´t know what to do. I´d like better than a third but I don´t know where a third can actually take me. B.R.A always told us we´d need a 2.1 or better to succeed in life but they lied about a lot of things. I tried to bring that up earlier for reassurance but my mum just snapped at me and told me to forget about that place because I wasn´t there anymore. Well maybe if I hadn´t spent seven years having their ideals pounded into my head, I wouldn´t be so fixated on achieving so much. She says she´d retake them if it was her but that I know the course and I have to decide.



I don´t know if I can do better. My assignment marks weren´t great this year and I really did try for them. I write good essays but sometimes I´m not scientific enough. I don´t know if I could get more than a third by resitting the exams with such low assignment marks. I think I did as much as I could on the papers.



Why does everything have to be so confusing? Even horses are confusing me now. Actually, it´s more that people are confusing me on the subject of horses. My mum promised me that I could have Tula if I finished this year at uni. I worked all year for the goal of finally having my own horse after fifteen years of waiting. Then Tula went lame and was brought back into work on the condition that she wasn´t used in the advanced rides. I was trying to get used to the idea that I couldn´t have her because of that. Then today she was used in my ride. And not by me. Chloe asked for her before I could and got her. Why does everyone suddenly want Tula? No one wanted her for ages and now suddenly Chloe and two of the younger ones want her. It´s not fair.



Tula came straight to me though when I went to tack up Teddy and she kept running away from Chloe. Teddy was good. I love him too. But that just confuses me more because I want both of them. I just have a slightly stronger bond with Tula on the ground. Then again, I did ride her mum for a good while and I´ve know her since she was three days old. She´s now six. I bet my mum was glad that she developed a problem with heavy ridden work. It meant that she didn´t have to buy her. But hey, what´s another broken promise for me getting a horse? My dad´s been making them and breaking them since I was eight years old.



My head´s been very noisy this week but it´s quiet now. I´ve just got an awful hollow ache inside. The voices got so loud that I just lost it earlier and started screaming at them. I wanted them to go away. And they did. Sort of. I screamed at them and there was an awful wailing noise in my head and then it sounded like a dozen or more doors all being slammed. Then they were gone. Is that what I need to do? Do I need to go to the edge everytime to make them go away. Why couldn´t I have managed it days ago before putting Damien through so much. If he wants me back I´ll make it up to him somehow I swear.



What if he decides he doesn´t want me back?

Tonight is my last ever night at Brackenhurst...

Yeah, you've guessed it. Another boring update from me. I wrote very little during May so here's the sort-of summary. Hopefully I've got all the dates correct. I've left out days I remember nothing about.



Sunday 3rd May

Went to the gym. Lost it and cried in the changing rooms for ages. Worked out for less than an hour and then started crying again. Couldn't stop. Spoke to my mum for well over an hour. Still couldn't stop crying. Got booked on the next flight to Belfast. Went to the airport.



Monday 4th May

May Day. Flight at 6.25am. Spent the day with my mum. It was a relief to be back in Frans arms in the evening.



Wednesday 6th May

SciFi elections. Spent half the night feeling like I couldn't breathe properly. Voted on everything as best I could.



Thursday 7th May

Flight to EMA at 7.55am. Sleep.



Friday 8th May

Doctor's appointment. Now on Cerazette.



Wednesday 13th May

Viva voce. Questioned on my dissertation by Gareth and Carol. I think it went okay. Bleached hair.



Friday 15th May

Last day of lectures. Ever. Dyed hair green after being blonde for two days. Travelled to airport.



Saturday 16th May

Flight at 6.25am. Dyed Damien's hair green to match mine. Told him I thought the shade was the Joker's colour and he decided to do that outfit for Corni. Helped dye a white shirt green. Did his make-up as well as mine. Everyone joined him (as the Joker) and me (as the Joker's girlfriend Harley Quinn) in a batman villains theme for outfits. Worked well for a last minute decision. Towered over nearly everyone in my 7 ½ inch heels. Danced. Talked. Laughed. Took photos. Had photos taken. Finally got a few of me and Damien. Freaked people out at the after party when Damien and I had the same hair colour. Space Invaders t-shirt and hoodie and pentagram. Can't half tell we're a couple. I love him :)



Had the night go downhill when the hallucinations got bad. Saw everyone as dead. Then believed they were. Damien stayed with me and abandoned the after party. I still feel guilty.



Sunday 17th May

Seemed better. Then saw the dead again. Chased the demon away. I had to.



Monday 18th May

Role-playing group at Damien's. Paranoia.



Tuesday 19th May

Flight at 7.55am to EMA. Slept a lot.



Wednesday 20th May

Therapies and Rehabilitation exam. 1.30pm – 3.45pm. Had a nosebleed during it.



Thursday 21st May

Flight at 6.25am to Belfast. Started work on Damien's ritual robe.



Friday 22nd May

Worked on the robe. Drinks at the bar for Neil's birthday.



Saturday 23rd May

Riding. Rode Kaz. He went really well. Especially in canter. Didn't particularly enjoy wearing a riding school hat though. Mine was still in England. Tried a size 2. Think it may have been a better fit than my 2 1/2. Continued work on the robe.



Sunday 24th May

More work on the robe. Finished it save for the last few details.



Monday 25th May

Role-playing group at Damien's. Paranoia. Felt ill and light-headed and had to lie down.



Tuesday 26th May

Flight at 7.55am to EMA. Stayed in town for a while. Decorated some picture frames when I got back. Got annoyed at Philippa for texting me to ask if I was back so I could help carry her shopping. My immediate thought was fuck off. She never texts me just to see how I am. Only when she wants something.



Wednesday 27th May

Exercise Physiology exam. 1.30pm – 3pm. 100 mark paper in 90 minutes. Hell. Not enough time to say everything. Had another nosebleed.



Thursday 28th May

Flight at 6.25am to Belfast.



Saturday 30th May

Riding. Rode Teddy. He feels so nice in canter. He went well on the flat and we did a couple of jumps at the end. He put three strides in between the two parts of the double. Everyone else, including Fred, had four. Tula can only be ridden in walk and trot. Doesn't look like I'll ever own her. Philly ruined her. I hate that woman. Got sunburn on my arms above my riding gloves. Wanted to go to Asylum and U R Moshin. Couldn't because of my early flight.



Sunday 31st May

Flight at 7.40am to EMA. Nearly missed it. They'd called it when we got to the airport. The queue for security moved really slow. They searched me. For no reason. They swabbed the netbook. For no reason. Nearly everyone was on board when I reached the gate. Plane wasn't full so I got my window seat. Thankfully.



Monday 1st June

Genetics exam. 9.30am – 11.30am. The one module I enjoyed. No nosebleed.



Tuesday 2nd June

Assessment Of Equine Behaviour exam. 1.30pm – 3pm. Another nosebleed. Seems to be a pattern to this... Didn't realise we were allowed a list of references. Didn't have one. Typed this up. See, I told you it was going to be boring.

On Sunday Damien told me they´d played The Perfect Drug at Asylum and he´d thought of me. Apparently that´s what I am. Is that a good thing? lol

Damien had his job interview this morning. He thinks it went well and says they were eating out of his hand and laughing with him. I do hope he gets it.