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It's my birthday. Oh yay. Not.

I started writing this down the other morning at about 4am. I couldn't sleep and I was killing time.



It's my birthday on Saturday (February 28th) and it's quite possibly my least favourite day of the year because it always goes badly. So this year I thought I might try something different. Something that will also hopefully get a bit of group involvement going.



Two things. Firstly, there's going to be a thread up for a sort of virtual party. I'd like to invite everyone to drop by, have a virtual drink or some virtual cake and chat about... whatever.



Secondly, this is going to be a bit of a competition. There may be prizes e.g. signed prints, calendars, small bottles of selected alcohols, a box of eggs... Okay, maybe not the eggs. I don't trust the postal service that much. So what do you have to do for it?



I want people to be creative. You can photoshop my pictures or do some renders or make a virtual card or write some poetry or anything else you can thing of that will give me a smile on my birthday (or in the weeks after it). Yes, these are vague guidelines. You can ask if you'd like me to be a bit more specific.



You can either send me your entries in a message here or to the following email address: fenriz@tekken.cc

Make sure you put the group name or something similar in the subject line so I don't delete any emails by accident.



Have fun being creative. I look forward to seeing people's written and visual work.



Bloody Hugs And Razor Blade Kisses



xx



Raven



P.S.

Public Announcement: Damien Mocata is amazing (and that should hopefully be a good start to me stroking his ego again

I don't know where to begin. It hurts. It hurts so fucking much and yet, at the same time, it doesn't hurt at all. On Friday I was full of energy. Now I feel like I'm sinking again. Some stuff has happened that should have had me crying but I'm just resigned to the fact that this is all I deserve.



If the potential outcome for the end of this week come true, it's over. I'm ending it.

dontt remember getting back here. very shaky now.my head hurtds. not goood

There are always so many journal entries in my head that I never get around to writing down. It’s Saturday morning and I’m sitting on my bed munching on dry cereal. I’ve got a really strong craving for M&Ms for some reason. Damien gave me chocolate last week and it tasted so good after the weeks of little other than Nutrigrain bars and cereal.



I’m really missing him again even though it’s less than a week since I last saw him and only another week until I’m with him again. I don’t know if I should be worried by that fact. I got to see Aph, CaptainLucy, Shane and Dawn while I was home but didn’t really get to catch up with them. Still, there’s always next week.



I flew in at teatime on Saturday and went straight to Damien’s. I still end up surprised when he seems to miss me so much. Sunday saw us going to lunch with his family. That was nerve-racking. For both of us. I’d met his mum before but not her partner or Damien’s grandparents. I think it went okay though.



It was snowing when his grandparents picked us up and drove us to Ards, large white flakes that covered the ground and didn’t melt. In the car we talked about this and that and, amusingly, Damien’s family now know I’m a model while my own family don’t.



Lunch was a little unexpected when it turned out to be three courses (soup, chicken and chips and vanilla ice-cream) but it was nice. It just seemed like a lot when I’d been eating the equivalent of less than the first course in two days for the previous few weeks. Actually, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to finish it and I do admit to forcing myself to so I wouldn’t seem rude. I felt so guilty about eating so much afterward though.



Damien saw me off at the airport which was a little strange since I’m used to meeting him at East Midlands and seeing him off at the end of his visit. In a week’s time I’ll be heading back to the airport to fly home again. I wish it was today.



Thursday didn’t start well. I fell asleep early on Wednesday night but was woken at 1.30am by the sound of people trying to get into my room and then running up and down the corridor shrieking. Cue panic and paranoia. I was terrified. The feeling had abated by the time I got up a few hours later but that wasn’t to last.



I got up, decided I was really hungry and went to the shop to grab a few ingredients for breakfast. I then returned to... a disaster area. The kitchen appeared to be covered in mud, blood and broken glass. It later turned out to be hot chocolate, food and broken glass. I cut my foot open and was pissed off by both that and the fact that the uni would have a fit when they saw the state of the place.



Pre-emptive strike time. I got Philippa out of bed and we went to complain to Barbara, my theory being that we’d get in less trouble if we told her before the cleaners saw it. She came over and ended up helping clean it up which was unexpected. It cleaned better than I expected too. Jenny and the people she brought back were the culprits and are being dealt with accordingly.



I thought I was okay but when I retreated to my room I realised that I was shaking a lot. A fact not improved by having to go for a counselling session. It only lasted twenty minutes rather than the usual hour but that was still twenty minutes too long for my liking. She wasn’t particularly nice this week and I wish I could have told her where to go.



Friday’s lectures... happened. They weren’t terribly exciting. After them I decided I would change my hair colour. I wasn’t going to do it until next week but I changed my mind. This time I mixed some dyes together and I’m quite pleased with the result. After the dying was complete, it was time to get ready to go out.



I headed to the Pit for Danse Macabre’s Pit Of Curiosities and managed to embarrass myself at the bus stop by singing along to what I was listening to. Unfortunately the lyrics were “I like it hard. I like it dirty. So come on baby give it to me.” And I looked like the queen of sluts at the time. The bus failed to turn up so after half an hour of standing around I was freezing and came back to the flat to change into trousers.



Nottingham was mad when I arrived. My temporary confidence fled when I got off the bus and suddenly realised I was in a student city on a Friday night. There was a live band on stage in Old Market Square and street performers all over the place. I have no idea what was going on but I escaped to the Pit as quickly as possible.



Once in the Pit I managed to settle down. The place was packed but it was like being a freak among freaks. I actually fit in. It was amazing to see so many people with common interests gathered together. Belfast really doesn’t measure up. There were lots of people with coloured and I got some inspiration for clothing designs.



I got my picture taken a few times and had my fortune read by the Oracle. She had runes and tarot cards but ended up doing my tea leaves. Which involved me drinking tea. Ick. She told me I was a very private person and that I should open up more to people. That’s true but I doubt she was really reading my tea leaves. She could have been but...



The Conjoined Twins and Living Dead Doll were both good. I was a little less impressed by the FeeJee Mermaid but it still wasn’t bad. I met up with Daisy and Tony and got introduced to lots of new people, so many that I can’t remember everyone’s names. They made me feel really welcome, even if they did think I was too quiet.



I would have liked to stay out longer and Tony offered me his sofa for the night but it would have meant missing two doses of medication which I couldn’t afford to do so I reluctantly turned the offer down. I also got offered a one night stand. The guy was pretty hot but I was definitely not accepting that offer.



Today is Valentine’s Day and for the first time in years I’m actually in a relationship on it. I won’t be seeing Damien for another week though and that does suck somewhat. Though not quite as much as knowing your boyfriend was supposed to be going on a date with another girl on Valentine’s Day. He’s not any more. Sometimes open relationships can hurt.



Matt offered to catch the train down and spend the day with me but he’s low on money and I’m going back and forth about that whole situation anyway. So Happy V Day everyone. I normally call it Singles Discrimination Day so *hugs* to you all whether you’re in a relationship or not.



I’m off to the gym in a couple of hours for my induction. Hopefully it goes well. After that, I’ve got a modelling interview. Wish me luck.

COMMENTS

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ladySnowStrixx
13:38 Feb 14 2009

I don,t know where you live but it sounds fun.

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I've just had pictures from last weekend's shoot go live at Intimate Touch in multiple galleries. Also, serious pwnage of the home page. Feedback welcome :)

My disc arrived from the photographer :D

Is it better to live a long fruitful life but have regrets or to live a life cut short before you can achieve much or develop regrets?

It feels like many weeks since I wrote my last update. There isn’t really much to talk about other than the photoshoot but I’m saving that for another entry. It will be a long one. Well, when I say that there isn’t much to talk about, I mean event-wise. I have quite a lot to say about what’s been going on in my head. I really should have done this sooner. The order of things is becoming confused in my head.



Brain Dead

I can’t think straight most of the time now. I try to work but I can’t remember the names of things. It’s normally the scientific names for things like strangles or the angle of the hoof-pastern axis but I occasionally have moments when I can’t remember what a ruler is called and I had a complete blank earlier on how to eat tinned spaghetti. I think I’ve tried to squeeze too many things inside my head.



Doncaster Photoshoot

See separate entry (once I’ve written it).



Snow Fall

Snow was apparently predicted for Saturday but it was incredibly sunny in Doncaster. The snow arrived the next day. From Siberia apparently. I’ve always loved snow. Which is probably a good thing since it always snows on my birthday. Seriously. February 28th for at least the last 21 years has seen snow falling. I’ll be quite disappointed if it doesn’t this year.



Ankle Pain

It’s now February 6th. On January 8th I fell down the last few stairs at Damien’s house and landed heavily on my right ankle. It’s still painful so I’ve decided to bite the bullet and go and see someone about it. I was looking at it earlier and, slightly worryingly, it does seem to be more swollen than my left ankle. Hopefully it’s something that can be easily fixed.



Compliments

I’ve been getting lots of compliments since I put new pictures up. I’ve also had interest from several photographers. It’s quite strange, though not unpleasant. It’s just that I’m more used to being insulted than complimented. I can’t help worrying that I’m about to get stabbed in the back every time someone says something nice to me. In my head, I’m not pretty at all but maybe I’m one of the ugly ducklings that became a swan.



Belfast Crisis

Damien got bad news on Wednesday and it drove me mad not being able to be there with him and support him. Even just hug him. He turned to me and I was so afraid I was going to let him down. I wasn’t due to go home until February 21st and the water between us has never seemed so hateful. If he’d been on the mainland but in one of the other countries I would have got on a bus or train and gone straight to him. As it is, I’ve had to stay here much longer than I would have otherwise.



Snow Fall – Phase Two

The snow from Sunday thawed pretty quickly during the following couple of days. On Wednesday there was only a tiny bit left. Just the last patches of semi-thawed and then refrozen snow and slush. By Thursday morning there was a fresh five inches. I got a phone call to say my counsellor was snowed in and then started to see comments about the weather on Facebook so I went to look outside. I was surprised so much had fallen so quickly and was still falling because it was supposed to have moved north. Apparently another front was moving south and I’m in the Midlands so we happened to be where the collision occurred.



Some equine students built a snow cat on the cricket pitch. It was pretty cool. I would have liked to have gone out and joined in the fun but I didn’t have anyone to join in with. I heard Philippa inviting James out and listing everyone else she’d asked to meet her but she didn’t even come and knock on my door. It didn’t really piss me off as much as sadden me. I can’t help wondering if she even realises she’s chosen a side.



Deadlines

There seems to be so much work to do. Probably because there is. My dissertation is due in under two months. To quote James May, Oh cock.

It's just over a week until Valentine's Day and yet there are lots of horror films on television. I don't mind. I'd rather watch them than chick flicks anyway. Maybe it's appropriate that they're showing horror around the time of the 'relationship holiday'. Although, I'm still happy in mine :)

There's a programme on TV about dangerous creatures. They've just been talking about tarantulas and how poking them will make them defensive. Uh, no shit.

My body aches. I've been throwing myself about. I want to cut just to get my release. I can't get it any other way. I'm going to be bruised later.



I asked her about flying back. She's "thinking about it". I know that it's not fair asking her for the money but it was her that kept telling me that they could support me through uni without me needing a job.



She thinks he's putting pressure on me. It's not like that. She doesn't fucking understand. I feel so impotent. He's been there for me when I've needed him and now I don't know if I'm going to be able to be there for him.



I wish I'd just booked the fucking flight last night and told her nothing.

I've put ten more picture from Saturday up in the Eye Candy section of my journal. Take a look and let me know what you think :)

I feel so fucking helpless stuck over here. I just want to go home so I can be there for him in person. Flights, ferries, trains and buses are all so expensive but I swear, if something happens, I'm going home on the first flight. Even if it means draining the last of my savings account and maxing out my credit card again.

Here are two pictures from yesterday's shoot. Any feedback is welcome.

COMMENTS

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furcifer
03:52 Feb 03 2009

Fabulous!

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BleedingMassacre
21:42 Feb 03 2009

Looking Hot

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