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31 entries this month
 

The Giant Woodpecker

13:59 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 672


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COMMENTS

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the big wheel

13:57 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 673


The Big Wheel

> >

> > In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and

> > just

> > 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone. The boys ranged from

> > three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had

> > never been much more than a presence they feared.

> >

> > Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would

> > scramble to hide under their beds.

> >

> > He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries. Now that he had

> > decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food

>either.

> >

> >

> > If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that

> > time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

> >

> > I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my

> > best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and

> > drove off to find a job.

> >

> > The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our

> > small town. No luck.

> >

> > The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I

> > tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to learn

> > or do anything. I had to have a job.

> >

> > Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of

> > town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to

> > a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel.

> >

> > An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the

> > window from time to time at all those kids.

> >

> > She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in

> > the morning.

> >

> > She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

> >

> > I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat

>for

> > people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a

> > dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids

> > would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her,

> > so we made a deal.

> >

> > That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we

> > all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big

>Wheel.

> >

> > When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her

> > home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged

> > every night.

> >

> >

> > As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.

> > The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and

> > began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and

> > again every morning before I could go home.

> >

> > One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and

> > found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no

> > nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up

> > residence in Indiana ? I wondered.

> >

> > I made a deal with the local service station. In exchange for his

> > mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it

> > took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the

>tires.

> >

> > I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't

>enough.

> > Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for

> > the kids.

> >

> > I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old

> > toys. Then hid them in the basement so there would be something for

> > Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.

> >

> > Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on

> > the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.

> >

> > On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big

> > Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state

> > trooper named Joe.

> >

> > A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were

> > dropping nickels in the pinball machine.

> >

> > The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of

> > the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.

> >

> > When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas

> > morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the

> > top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.

> >

> > I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in

> > the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the

>lid

> > of the top box. Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes

> > 2-10!

> >

> > I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the

> > jeans.

> >

> > Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts

> > and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for

> > baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and

> > Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a hole bag of

> > laundry supplies and cleaning items.

> >

> > And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

> >

> > As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the

> > most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

> >

> > And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that

> > precious morning.

> >

> > Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all

> > hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....

> >

> > THE POWER OF PRAYER. I believe that God only gives three answers to

> > prayer:

> >

> > 1. "Yes!"

> > 2. "Not yet."

> > 3. "I have something better in mind."

> >

> > God still sits on the throne, the devil is a liar.

> >

> > You maybe going through a tough time right now but God is getting

> > ready to bless you in a way that you cannot imagine.


COMMENTS

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The Blonde Cowboy

13:56 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 674


The Blond Cowboy:



The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.



As he is locking him up, he asks Why in the world are you dressed like this?



The Cowboy says, Well it's like this Sheriff, I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.



We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt .. So I did.



Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... So I did.



Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... So I did.



Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, Now go to town, cowboy... .so here I am.



Son of a gun, Blond Men do exist.


COMMENTS

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Wedding

13:55 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 675


You are at a wedding.











You are a total Diva.











The best dress, a perfect hairdo...











You fall in love with an invited guest.











You get secret looks the entire night...











On the dance floor, he's by your side constantly, and he dances like a god....











You are the couple of the evening...











The anticipated moment has arrived for all single women...











The bride is about to throw the bouquet...











You are first in line, in a strategic position...











Once there, you wait for the right moment...











You look at him sensually, and with your eyes you tell him.....











If I catch the bouquet...I Will Marry You!











And then, the moment you've been waiting for...











The bride throws the bouquet...











He doesn't stop looking at you...











You jump like never before to catch the bouquet...











Your arms stretched out...











Your hands open...











And suddenly...





Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



new dress..$80

hairdo...$45

catching the bouquet (because everyone else is staring at your boobs!)... priceless


COMMENTS

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Then in walks the dog!!!!

13:53 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 676




So....

there you are,

having a

dinner party.....



Your parents

are there,



Your in-laws

are there,



Your boss and

his wife

are there,



The minister and

his wife

are there,



You're all

settling down

for a

nice relaxing

evening dinner,



Then

in

walks

the

dog....

......

.....

....

...

..

.



















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COMMENTS

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And the correct answer is...

13:50 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 677


And the correct answer is....

>>>

>>>

>>>1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

>>>

>>>Ask your mother.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>2) How do you embarrass an archeologist?

>>>

>>>Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>3) What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

>>>

>>>A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps

>>>with everybody at the party except you.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>4) What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

>>>

>>>Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

>>>

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>5) What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

>>>

>>>A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

>>>

>>>The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no

>>>intention of driving.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

>>>

>>>No one to talk to during orgasm.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

>>>

>>>A mechanic.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

>>>

>>>The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen

>>>donuts.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?

>>>

>>>The one who can eat that last donut.

>>>

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>11) Jewish dilemma:

>>>

>>>Free PORK.

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>12) The three words men hate to hear most during sex:

>>>

>>>" Are you in?"

>>>____________________________________________

>>>

>>>

>>>13) The three words women hate to hear most during good sex:

>>>

>>>"Honey, I'm home!"

>>>

>>>


COMMENTS

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Oldies but goodies

13:50 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 678




> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.

> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What

setting

> do I use on the washing machine?"

> "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

> He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

> And they say blondes are dumb...

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

> "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

> The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of

the

> shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the

lawn

> like this?"

> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

> A: A rumor

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding

> anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that

> because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

> The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

> Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

> The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

> Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

> Gotta love that fairy!

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Dear Lord,

> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience

for

> his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

> AMEN

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Q: Why do little boys whine?

> A: They are practicing to be men.

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

> A: Trustworthy.

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and

calling

> your name?

> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

> -----------------------------------------------------------

> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

> A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

> ------------------------------ -----------------------------

> Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

> A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

COMMENTS

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How would this on go over?

13:48 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 680


How all business telephones should be answered!



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GOOD MORNING !!

WELCOME TO THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English, or

press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.



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COMMENTS

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Look Daddy.....Kittens

13:45 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 681


Look Daddy.....Kittens

OH YEAH!!!!!





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COMMENTS

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Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes

13:42 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 682


Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud)



English

Chinese



That's not right

Sum Ting Wong



Are you harboring a fugitive?

Hu Yu Hai Ding



See me ASAP

Kum Hia Nao



Stupid Man

Dum Fuk



Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni



Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan



I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni



I think you need a face lift

Chin Tu Fat



It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim



I thought you were on a diet

Wai Yu Mun Ching



This is a tow away zone

No Pah King



Our meeting is scheduled for next week

Wai Yu Kum Nao



Staying out of sight

Lei Ying Lo



He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Shing Ka



Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki Pu



Great

Fa Kin Su Pa







COMMENTS

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Those Born 1930-1979!this is good

13:41 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 683


Those Born 1930-1979!





TO ALL THE KIDS

WHO SURVIVED the

1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!







First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.





Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.







We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we

rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.



Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.





We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.





We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and





NO ONE actually died from this.







We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolade made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .





WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !







We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.







No one was able to reach us all day.







And we were O.K.







We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down

the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.







We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms.......

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!







We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no

lawsuits from these accidents.







We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.







We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,



made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.



We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang

the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!







Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!







The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.







They actually sided with the law!







These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!







The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.







We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned







HOW TO



DEAL WITH IT ALL!







If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!







You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good







And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.







Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!



The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:



"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks,"Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"





COMMENTS

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Deaf Sex

13:38 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 684


Deaf Sex

> >>

> >>Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,

> >>they find

> >>that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights

> >>out,

> >>since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

> >>

> >>After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings,

> >>the

> >>wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some

> >>simple

> >>signals?

> >>

> >>For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over

> >>and

> >>squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex,

> >>reach over

> >>and squeeze my right breast two times".

> >>

> >>The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if

> >>she

> >>wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one

> >>time. If

> >>you don't want to have sex, pull on my penis two hundred and fifty

> >>times.

>

>


COMMENTS

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THOSE SNEAKY MARINES

13:37 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 685


THOSE SNEAKY MARINES.........





Look Closely......







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Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting







if a Muslim sees a naked woman that isn't his wife --- they are suppose to kill themselves.







Ya got to love the Marines!



COMMENTS

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Telemarketer

13:33 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 686


Telemarketer.......

>

> The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I Answered

> It I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer".

>

> Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.

>

> The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company

> Or something like that.

>

> Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this

> Number.

>

> I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various

> Angles and the blood smears". I then turned back to the phone and advised

> The caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line

> Because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a Summons

> To testify in this murder case.

>

> I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone

> Number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and

> Could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

>

> The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a

> Shaky voice.

>

> I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering

> The building to take him into custody. At that point I heard the phone fall

> And the scurrying of his running away.

>

> My wife asked me, as I returned to our table, why I had tears streaming

> Down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.

> My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time.

>

> SICK IS GOOD


COMMENTS

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Good stuff to know

13:32 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 689


"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old

bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My

husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most

doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of

dollars."





1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle)

and

hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it

when I

bathe.)



No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive

pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (small print says mouth wash and

gargle right on the bottle).



2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free

of

germs.



3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave

a

fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray

it on the counters.



4. After rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to

kill

salmonella and other bacteria.



5. I had a fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50

mixture of

peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let

dry.



6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes

several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal

with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.



8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and

keep

it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system

like

bleach or most other disinfectants will.



9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture

whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help

to

kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a

tissue.



10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right

away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten

minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.



11. And of course, if you like a natural look to your hair, spray the

50/50

solution on your wet hair after a shower and comb it through. You will

not

have the peroxide burnt blonde hair like the hair dye packages, but

more

natural highlights if your hair is a light brown, faddish, or dirty

blonde. It also lightens gradually so it's not a drastic change.



12. Put half of a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils,

fungus, or other skin infections.



13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of

whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing,

pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it

and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.



14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing

which

is why I love it so much for this.



I could go on and on. It is a little brown bottle no home should be

without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way

to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.



Send on to others who might need to know the benefits of 3% peroxide.





COMMENTS

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2 Parrots

13:21 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 693


A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a

>problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one

>thing."

>"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!

>Do you want to have some fun? "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.

>Then he thought for a moment.

>"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have

two

>male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

>Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the

cage

>with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise

and

>worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no

>time."

>"Thank you," the woman responded. "This may very well be the

solution."

>The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As

>he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their

>cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and

>placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female

parrots

>cried out

>in unison:

>"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

>There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the

>other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away Frank. Our

prayers

>have been answered."


COMMENTS

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WAL-MART APPLICATION

13:20 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 694


WAL-MART APPLICATION



This is an actual job application that a

75 year old senior citizen

submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.



They hired him because he was so funny.........

you gotta love it!!!



NAME:

George Martin



SEX:

Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman

(or at least one that will cooperate)



DESIRED POSITION:

Company's President or Vice President.

But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky,

I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.



DESIRED SALARY:

$185,000 a year plus stock options

and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.

If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.



EDUCATION: Yes.



LAST POSITION HELD:

Target for middle management hostility.



PREVIOUS SALARY:

A lot less than I'm worth.



MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:

My incredible collection of stolen pens

and post-it notes.



REASON FOR LEAVING:

It sucked.



HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:

Any.



PREFERRED HOURS:

1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.



DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:

Yes, but they're better suited to

a more intimate environment.



MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:

If I had one, would I be here?



DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS

THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?

Of what?



DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:

I think the more appropriate question here

would be "Do you have a car that runs?"



HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS

OR RECOGNITION?:

I may already be a winner

of the Publishers Clearing House ! Sweepstakes,

so they tell me.



DO YOU SMOKE?:

On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!



WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy

dumb sexy blonde supermodel

who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.

Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.



NEAREST RELATIVE....

7 miles



DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE

AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:

Oh yes, absolutely.



COMMENTS

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Let's See If I Understand

13:19 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 696


Let's see if I understand

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

how the world works lately...



If a man cuts his finger off

while slicing salami at work,



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



he blames the restaurant.



If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



your family blames the tobacco company.



If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.



If your grandchildren are brats without manners,



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



you blame television.





If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

you blame the gun manufacturer.



And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the crazed deceased blames the airline.



I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.





So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer,



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting





I want all of you to blame Bill Gates... okay?


COMMENTS

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New Border Sign

13:12 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 699


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting









LATEST POLLING SHOWS:



Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.



The other 57 percent said, "No hablo inglés

COMMENTS

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Kitty Litter Cake

13:10 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 702


Want to be forever eliminated from the guest list? Just take this to your next "pot luck" dinner!!!





Kitty Litter Cake" * ~

This is *no joke*



READ THE INGREDIENTS AND STUFF FIRST AND THEN LOOK AT THE PHOTO...



TRUST ME...





DON'T LOOK AT THE PHOTO FIRST, BUT LAST...?





This is for all you cooks out there looking for something a little different.........?





WANT TO HAVE FUN AT A PARTY? PREPARE THIS RECIPE! COMPLETELY EDIBLE,?

BUT YOUR FRIENDS MAY NOT THINK SO!









On a recent visit to our veterinarian to get shots for our cat I found this recipe on the waiting room bulletin board. After recovering from hysterical laughter, I obtained a copy from the office staff so my wife could make it, which she refused to do. I took it to work and gave the recipe to a lady at work who loves cats. The pictures below show the results of her work. It doesn't look very nice, but it's actually quite tasty, so I decided to pass it along.





CAKE INGREDIENTS:

1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix

1 box of white cake mix

1 package white sandwich cookies

1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix

A few drops green food coloring

12 small Tootsie Rolls or equivalent





SERVING "DISHES AND UTENSILS"

1 NEW cat-litter box

1 NEW cat-litter box liner

1 NEW pooper scooper





1) Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor. Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside.





2) When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy. Place liner in litter box and pour in mixture.





3) Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable. Shape

the blunt ends into slightly curved points. Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.





4) Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from the litter box. Heat the remaining Tootsie Roll until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with scooper. Enjoy! ?





"Kitty Litter Cake"







Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting











ANY OF YOU WHO HAVE A HALLOWEEN PARTY TO GO TO, THINK ABOUT THIS CAKE.?


COMMENTS

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Bud news

13:06 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 710


How Budweiser handled those







who laughed at those







who died on the 11th of September,







2001...Thought you might like to know







what happened in a little town north







of Bakersfield, California.















After you finish reading







this, please forward







this story on to others so that our







nation and people around the world







will know about those who laughed when







they found out about the tragic







events in New York, Pennsylvania, and







the Pentagon.















On September 11th, a







Budweiser employee was







making a delivery to a convenience







store in a California town named







McFarland. He knew of the tragedy that







had occurred in New York when he







entered the business to find the two







Arabs, who owned the business,







whooping and hollering to show their







approval and support of this







treacherous attack.















The Budweiser employee went







to his truck, called his boss and told him







of the very upsetting event! He didn't







feel he could be in that store with those







horrible people. His boss asked him,







"Do you think you could go in there







long enough to pull every Budweiser







product and item our beverage company







sells there? We'll never deliver







to them again." The employee walked







in, proceeded to pull every single







product his beverage company provided







and left with an incredible grin







on his face. He told them never to







bother to call for a delivery again.







Budweiser happens to be the beer of







choice for that community.















Just letting you know how Kern County







handled this situation.















And Now The Rest Of The



Story:















It seems that the Bud driver







and the Pepsi man are neighbors.







Bud called Pepsi and told him.











Pepsi called his boss who







told him to pull all Pepsi products as







well!!! That would include Frito







Lay, etc. Furthermore, word spread and







all vendors followed suit! At







last report, the store was closed







indefinitely.











Good old American Passive-Aggressive A$$ Whoopin!















Pass this along, America needs to know that







we're all working together!















If you can read this...Thank a teacher...







If you are reading it in English....







THANK A SOLDIER!!!







God Bless America !!







COMMENTS

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Buzzard, Bat & Bumblebee

13:05 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 711


BUZZARD



If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely



open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an



absolute prisoner.



The reason is that a buzzard always begins a flight from the ground with



a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will



not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small



jail with no top.







BAT



The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkably nimble



creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is placed



on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about helplessly



and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from



which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like



a flash.







BUMBLEBEE



A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be t here until it



dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of escape at the



top, but persists in trying to find some way out through the sides near



the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until it completely



destroys itself.







PEOPLE



In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the bumblebee. We



struggle about with all our problems and frustrations, trying to find



"our own way" never realizing that all we have to do is look up.



Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.







COMMENTS

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Warning of AFLAC Insurance Fraud

13:04 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 713


Thought we should all be “on guard” for this.







Seems the BBB got a complaint the other day about a scam that AFLAC was taking advantage of women on the street and stealing their money.



Now we all at one time thought that an INSURANCE Company has stolen from us, however this scam is netting COLD HARD CASH from unsuspecting individuals.



The way it works is the thief uses children to distract the target. While admiring the cuteness of the kids they are robbed of their cash and never know what hit them.



I'm sending this out for all to be aware that this is happening and it's right out on the streets where the general public is.



A passer by with a digital camera phone happen to capture the photo below.



Review it carefully and use caution when distractions like this come along.



Good Luck



Don't say you weren't warrned



V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V





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COMMENTS

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what a woman should have

13:03 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 714


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A set of screwdrivers,

a cordless drill, and

A black lace bra.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One friend who

Always makes her Laugh...

And one Who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A good piece of furniture

not previously owned by

Anyone else in her family...

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

Eight matching plates,

Wine glasses with stems,

And a recipe for a meal that will

Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love

Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to quit her job

Break up with a lover

And confront a friend

Without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

When to try harder ... and

When to walk away.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That she can't change

The length of her calves,

The width of her hips, or

The nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhood

May not have been

Perfect, but;

Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she would and Wouldn't

Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to live alone..even if She doesn't like it

EVERY WOMAN SHOU LD KNOW...

Whom she can trust, Whom she can't,

And why she shouldn't Take it personally.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Where to go...

Be it to her best friend's kitchen table.

Or a charming inn in the woods...

When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't accomplish

In a day...A month. And a year...



COMMENTS

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Blonde Joke

13:00 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 716


>> Ken walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde

>> at

>> the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 o'clock news came on. The news

>> crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building

>> preparing

>> to jump The blonde looked at Ken and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

>>

>> Ken said, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

>>

>> The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

>>

>> Ken placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

>>

>> Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swa! n div

>> e off

>> the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed

>> her

>> 20 dollars to Ken, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

>>

>> Ken replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00

>> o'clock news and knew he'd jump."

>>

>> The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

>>

>> Ken took the money

>>


COMMENTS

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A Few Fun Facts

12:57 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 718


>

>

> > In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

> > animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

> > punishable by death.

> > (Like THAT makes sense.)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but

is

> > prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He

may

> > only

> > see their reflection in a mirror.

> >

> > (Do they look different reversed?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

> > applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered

> > with

> > a brick or piece of wood at all times.

> >

> >

> > (A brick?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

> >

> >

> > (Much worse than "going blind!")

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

> > And deflower young virgins, who pay

> > Them for the privilege of having sex

> > For the first time

> >

> > Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to

marry.

> >

> >

> > (Let's just think for a minute; is there

> > Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her

adulterous

> > husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

> >

> > The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any

> > manner

> > desired.

> >

> >

> > (Ah! Justice!)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in

tropical

> > fish stores.

> >

> >

> > (But of course!)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the

> > first

> > time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

> >

> > (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

> >

> >

> > In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a

woman

> > and

> > her daughter at the same time.

> >

> >

> > (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this

law?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with

one

> > exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only

"in

> > places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the

> > premises."

> >

> >

> > (Is this a great country or what?

> > Well, not as great as Guam!)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Banging your head against a wall uses

> > 150 calories an hour.

> >

> >

> > (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

> >

> >

> > (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own

> > weight

> > and

> > Always falls over on its right side

> > When intoxicated.

> > (From drinking little bottles of???)

> >

> >

> > (Did the government pay

> > For this research??)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Butterflies taste with their feet.

> >

> >

> > (Ah, geez.)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

> >

> >

> > (I know some people like that.)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > Starfish don't have brains.

> >

> >

> > (I know some people like that, too.)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

> >

> > And, the best for last?

> >

> > Turtles can breathe through their butts.

> >

> >

> > (And I thought I had bad

> > Breath in the morning!)

> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

> >

>


COMMENTS

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Happy Farmer

12:53 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 725


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

COMMENTS

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How To Shower Like A Woman

12:52 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 726


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according

to lights and darks.



Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband

along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do

more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.



Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,

wide loofah and pumice stone.



Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added

vitamins.



Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.



Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.



Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes

until red.



Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.



Shave armpits and legs.



Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower



Spray mold spots with Tilex.



Get out of shower.



Dry with towel the size of a small country.



Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.



Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.



HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:



Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them

in a pile.



Walk naked to the bathroom.



If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the

woo-woo sound.



Look at your manly physique in the mirror. * Admire the size of your

wiener and scratch your ass.



Get in the shower.



Wash your face.



Wash your armpits.



Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.



Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.



Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.



Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.



Pee.



Rinse off and get out of shower.



Partially dry off.



Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub

the whole time.



Admire wiener size in mirror again.



Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.



Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull

off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.



Throw wet towel on bed.



If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind

this, there is something SO very wrong with you. Have a great day! Oh, and....woo!!!


COMMENTS

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THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN PRISON

12:49 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 727


THE MOST POPULAR GUY IN PRISON













Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


COMMENTS

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Funny things

12:44 Sep 25 2006
Times Read: 728


Smiling is good for the soul! Hope at least one of these will bring a

smile your way!















One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very

Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."





So he tied her up and went golfing.





**************************************************



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the

house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack

your bags. I won the lottery!"





The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain

stuff?"





"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."





**************************************************





Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the

other is a husband.







**************************************************





A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First,

of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with

the letters:





'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'







can you read this?" the optician asked.





"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."





**************************************************





Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must

tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."







"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of

chardonnay."





**************************************************









Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was

drafted by the Army.







On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.





That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.





On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.





That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.



On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.





The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.





COMMENTS

-



 

Parents Worst Nightmare!

02:48 Sep 07 2006
Times Read: 737


A friend of mine on here sent this to me. I thought it was so good that I wanted to share it and she allowed it. My friend's name is autumnfaery. Thank you girl.











A letter to Dad



A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was

nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad". With the

worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:



Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've

been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her

piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the

passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she

already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the

whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now

one of my dreams too. Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt

anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for

all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that

science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves

it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of

myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your

grandchildren.

Your son,

John





























P. S: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I

just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report

card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for

me to come home........


COMMENTS

-






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