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25 entries this month
 

Baby

12:55 May 24 2006
Times Read: 662


These people will never have to worry about anyone messing with their baby.



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COMMENTS

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Jokes Written By Women

12:46 May 24 2006
Times Read: 664


>> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his

>>Sweatshirt.

>> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

>

>>"What setting

>> do I use on the washing machine?"

>> "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

>> He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

>>

>> And they say blondes are dumb...

>>

>>

>> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you

>>the happiest

>> woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."

>>

>>

>> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped

>

>>out of

>> the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if

>

>>I mowed the

>> lawn like this?"

>> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -

>>That's a good

>> idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa

>>and fart.

>>

>>

>> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

>> A: A rumor

>>

>>

>> A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their

>>40th wedding

>> anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and

>>said that

>> because they had been so good that each one of them could have

>>one wish. The wife

>> wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

>>

>> Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

>> The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

>> Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

>>

>>

>> A PRAYER....

>>

>> Dear Lord,

>> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

>> Love to forgive him;

>> And Patience for his moods.

>> Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

>> I'll beat him to death.

>> AMEN

>>

>> Q: Why do little boys whine?

>> A: They are practicing to be men.

>>

>> Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

>> A: Trustworthy.

>>

>> Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath

>and

>> calling your name?

>> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

>>

>> Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after

>mating?

>> A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

>>

>> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

>> A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

>>

>> Q: What is the difference between men and women?

>> A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants

>>every woman

>> to satisfy his one need.

>>

>> Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

>> A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"


COMMENTS

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A Child's Day

12:44 May 24 2006
Times Read: 665


If this doesn't get to you, nothing will)









Her hair was up in a pony tail,







her favorite dress tied with a bow.







Today was Daddy's Day at school,







and she couldn't wait to go.







But her mommy tried to tell her,







that she probably should stay home.







Why the kids might not understand,







if she went to school alone.







But she was not afraid;







she knew just what to say.







What to tell her classmates







of why he wasn't there today.







But still her mother worried,







for her to face this day alone.







And that was why once again,







she tried to keep her daughter home.







But the little girl went to school







eager to tell them all.







About a dad she never sees;







a dad who never calls.







There were daddies along the wall in back,







for everyone to meet.







Children squirming impatiently,







anxious in their seats







One by one the teacher called a student from the class







To introduce their daddy,







as seconds slowly passed.







At last the teacher called her name,







every child turned to stare.







Each of them was searching,







for a man who wasn't there.







"Where's her daddy at?"







she heard a boy call out.







"She probably doesn't have one,"







another student dared to shout.







And from somewhere near the back,







she heard a daddy say,







"Looks like another deadbeat dad,







too busy to waste his day."







The words did not offend her,







as she smiled up at her Mom.







And looked back at her teacher,







who told her to go on.







And with hands behind her back,







slowly she began to speak.







And out from the mouth of a child,







came words incredibly unique.







"My Daddy couldn't be here,







because he lives so far away.







But I know he wishes he could be,







since this is such a special day.







And though you cannot meet him,







I wanted you to know.







All about my daddy,







and how much he loves me so.







He loved to tell me stories







he taught me to ride my bike.







He surprised me with pink roses,







and taught me to fly a kite.







We used to share fudge sundaes,







and ice cream in a cone.







And though you cannot see him.







I'm not standing here alone.







"Cause my daddy's always with me,







even though we are apart







I know because he told me,







he'll forever be in my heart"







With that, her little hand reached up,







and lay across her chest.







Feeling her own heartbeat,







beneath her favorite dress.







And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,







her mother stood in tears.







Proudly watching her daughter,







who was wise beyond her years.







For she stood up for the love







of a man not in her life.







Doing what was best for her,







doing what was right.







And when she dropped her hand back down,







staring straight into the crowd.







She finished with a voice so soft,







but its message clear and loud.







"I love my daddy very much,







he's my shining star.







And if he could, he'd be here,







but heaven's just too far







You see he was a firefighter







and died just this past year







When airplanes hit the towers







and taught Americans to fear.







But sometimes when I close my eyes,







it's like he never went away."







And then she closed her eyes,







and she saw him there that day.







And to her mothers amazement,







she witnessed with surprise







A room full of daddies and children,







all starting to close their eyes.







Who knows what they saw before them,







who knows what they felt inside.







Perhaps for merely a second,







they saw him at her side.







"I know you're with me Daddy,"







to the silence she called out.







And what happened next made believers,







of those once filled with doubt.







Not one in that room could explain it,







for each of their eyes had been closed.







But there on the desk beside her,







was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.







And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,







by the love of her shining star.







And given the gift of believing,







that heaven is never too far.









They say it takes a minute to find a special







person, an hour to appreciate them,







a day to love them, but then an entire







life to forget them.







REPOST THIS to SHOW APPRCIATION







for the people you'll never forget .







It's a short message to let them know







that you'll never forget them.







Take the time..to live and love.







Until eternity





COMMENTS

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Adult Fairy Tales

19:46 May 23 2006
Times Read: 670


CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."



Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"



"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."



Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m .. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.



"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"



" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."



The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"



Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."

___________________________________________



PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.



A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"



Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

_____________________________________________



LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"



To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."



____________________________________________



MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey! , "You say here that your wife is crazy."



Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."

___________________________________________

SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

___________________________________________

Did you know ...Captain Hook died from jock itch.

____________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.



"What's that?" he asked.



She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."



Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."



Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"



"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan


COMMENTS

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Black Testicles

19:28 May 23 2006
Times Read: 673


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.



A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.



"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the ask. "Are my testicles black?"



Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."



He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"



Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises

his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,



"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"



The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?


COMMENTS

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Funny Pics

20:21 May 17 2006
Times Read: 680


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COMMENTS

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New Version Of Birds and Bees

19:49 May 17 2006
Times Read: 683


Modern tale of the Birds and the Bees A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a

firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine

months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male."


COMMENTS

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Ghetto Spelling Bee

19:44 May 17 2006
Times Read: 684


Shawn came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff".

>>

>> Mother: "Shawn, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?"

>>

>> Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F".

>>

>>

>>

>> 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.

>>

>> 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.

>>

>> 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.

>>

>> 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.

>>

>> 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.

>>

>> 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.

>>

>> 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.

>>

>> 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.

>>

>> 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.

>>

>> 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.

>>

>> 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

>>

>> 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.

>>

>> 13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

>>

>> 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.

>>

>> 15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy.

>>

>> 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"

>>

>> 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.

>>

>> 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."

>>

>> 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.

>>

>> 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.

>>

>>


COMMENTS

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Wife Matters

19:36 May 17 2006
Times Read: 686


>A woman and her ever-nagging husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While

>they were there, the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife ,

>"You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the

>Holy Land, for $150.

>

>The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped

>home.

>

>The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband

>home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only

>$150?

>

>The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three

>days later he rose from the dead I just can't take that chance.

>

>

>


COMMENTS

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This Is Some Good Advice

19:35 May 17 2006
Times Read: 687


If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:



When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.



Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.



Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your

face to be pure ecstasy.



When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.



Let others know when they've invaded your territory.



Take naps.



Stretch before rising.



Run, romp, and play daily.



Thrive on attention and let people touch you.



Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.



On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.



On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady

tree.



When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire

body.



No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the

guilt thing and pout.. run right back and make friends.



Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.



Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had

enough.



Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.



If what you want lies buried , dig until you find it.



When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close

by and nuzzle them gently.


COMMENTS

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Nuts

19:32 May 17 2006
Times Read: 688


Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

> One day

> While they were walking past the hospital swimming

> pool, Jim

> suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the

> bottom of the pool and

> stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She

> swam to

> the bottom and pulled Jim out.

>

> When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's

> heroic act,

> she considered her to be mentally stable. When she

> went to tell

> Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and

> bad news.

>

> The good news is you're being discharged; since you

> were able

> to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and

> saving the

> life of another patient, I have concluded that your

> act displays

> sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the

> patient you saved,

> hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe

> right after

> you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

>

> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there

> to dry.

> How soon Can I go home?"


COMMENTS

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Why Women Cry

19:30 May 17 2006
Times Read: 689


A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.



"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."



Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"



"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.



The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..



Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"



God said



"When I made the woman she had to be special.



I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,



yet gentle enough to give comfort.



I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.



I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.



I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.



I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.



I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.



And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."



"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.



The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."



COMMENTS

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True Southerners

17:03 May 17 2006
Times Read: 693


Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.

_____



Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."

_____



Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

_____



Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

_____



Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

_____



All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

_____



Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!

_____



Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

_____



Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

_____



No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

_____



A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

_____



Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!

_____



Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

_____



In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.

_____



Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

_____



Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

_____



When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! J

_____



And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

_____



And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

____


COMMENTS

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" TO MY DAUGHTER"

13:49 May 09 2006
Times Read: 697


*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, > and pick you up and take you to the park to play. > >

*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, >< BR>> and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours > together. > >

*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and > > keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and > > blow bubbles. > >

*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a > tiny grumble when you scream

and whine for the ice cream truck and I > will buy you one if he comes by. > >

*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are > going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision > I have made where you are concerned. >

*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake > cookies, > and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. > >

*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's > and buy > us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

*Just for > this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you > a story about how you were born and how much I love you. > > *Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and > not get angry. >

*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we > sit > on the porch and count all the stars. > *Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, > and miss my favorite TV shows. >

*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair > as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me > the > greatest gift ever given. >

*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching > for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are > visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, > and > mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching > their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that > they can't handle it anymore. >

*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little > tighter, > a ittle longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, > and > ask Him for nothing, except one more day............. > >



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The Pink Dress

13:39 May 09 2006
Times Read: 698


There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.



Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.



Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat

and watched the people go by.



She never tried to speak.



She never said a word.



Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.



The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see

if the little girl would still be there.



Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was

yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.



Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl.



For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place

for young children to play alone.



As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress.



It was grotesquely shaped.



I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no

effort to speak to her.



Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if

you make a step toward assisting someone who is different.



As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to

avoid my intent stare.



As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more

clearly.



She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.



I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk.



I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."



The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi"; after a long

stare into my eyes.



I smiled and she shyly smiled back.



We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty.



I asked the girl why she was so sad.



The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm

different."



I immediately said, "That you are!"; and smiled.



The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."



"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and

innocent."



She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and

said,

"Really?"

"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch

over all the people walking by."



She nodded her head yes, and smiled.



With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her

wings to spread, then she said "I am."



"I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye.



I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.



She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself.

My job here is done".



I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an

angel?"



She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that

could see me," and then she was gone.



And with that, my life was changed dramatically.



So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is

always watching over you.


COMMENTS

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Women

13:35 May 09 2006
Times Read: 699




BEHIND EVERY

SUCCESSFUL WOMAN

IS HERSELF















A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG...

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG

SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER

IN HOT WATER









I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN

ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW

TO COMBINE MARRIAGE

AND A CAREER









COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST

BETTER RICH









I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN

And I HAVE A GUN









WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE

AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT







OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...

I DID IT RIGHT

THE FIRST TIME









DO NOT START WITH ME.

YOU WILL NOT WIN







ALL STRESSED OUT

AND NO ONE TO CHOKE















And last but not least:







IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,

SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN



COMMENTS

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One Flaw In Women

18:53 May 06 2006
Times Read: 706


One Flaw In Women have strengths that amaze men.



They bear hardships and they carry burdens, < BR>

but they hold happiness, love and joy.



They smile when they want to scream.



They sing when they want to cry.



They cry when they are happy



and laugh when they are nervous.



They fight for what they believe in.



They stand up to injustice.



They don't take "no" for an answer



when they believe there is a better solution.



They go without so their family can have.



They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.



They love unconditionally.



They cry when their children excel



and cheer when their friends get awards.



They are happy when they hear about



a birth or a wedding.



Their hearts break when a friend dies.



They grieve at the loss of a family member,



yet they are strong when they



think there is no strength left.



They know that a hug and a kiss



can heal a broken h! eart.



Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.



They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you



to show how much they care about you.



The heart of a woman is what



makes the world keep turning.



They bring joy, hope and love.



They have compassion and ideas.



They give moral support to their



family and friends.



Women have vital things to say



and everything to give.



HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,



IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.


COMMENTS

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The Miracle

18:51 May 06 2006
Times Read: 707


>A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its >hiding place in the closet.

>

>She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three >times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chane here for >mistakes.

>

>Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she >slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store >with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

>

>She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he >was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing >noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she >could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged >it on the glass counter. That did it!

>

>"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. >I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he >said without waiting for a reply to his question.

>

>"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the >same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick...and I ant to buy a >miracle."

>

>"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.

>

>"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my >Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle >cost?"

>

>"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," >the pharmacist said, softening a little.

>

>"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the >rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

>

>The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked >the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"

>

>" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's >really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay >for it, so I want to use my money."

>

>"How much do you have?" askd the man from Chicago.

>

>"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.

>

>"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."

>

>"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven >cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "

>

>He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten >and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet >your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."

>

>That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in >neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't >long until Andrew was home again and doing well.

>

>Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led >them to this place.

>

>"That surgery," her Mom whispered "was a real miracle. I wonder how much >it would have cost?"

>

>Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and >eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.

>

>In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.

>


COMMENTS

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THE WHIPPING

18:49 May 06 2006
Times Read: 708


THE WHIPPING

There was a school with a class of students that no teacher had been able to handle. Two or three teachers had been run off from this

school in one year by the unruly students.

A young man, just out of college, heard about the class and applied to the school. The principal asked the young man, "Do you know what you are asking for? No one else has been able to handle these students. You are just asking for a terrible beating".

After a few moments of silent prayer, the young man looked at the principal and said, "Sir, with your consent I accept the challenge.

Just give me a trial basis."

The next morning the young man stood before the class. He said to the class, "Young people, I came here today to conduct school. But I

realize I can't do it by myself. I must have your help.

One big boy, they called Big Tom, in the back of the room

whispered to his buddies, "I won't need any help. I can lick that

little bird all by myself."

The young teacher told the class that if they were to have

school, there would have to be some rules to go by. But he also added

that he would allow the students to make up the rules and that he would

list them on the blackboard.

This was certainly different, the students thought! One young

man suggested "NO STEALING." Another one shouted "BE ON TIME FOR CLASS."

Pretty soon they had 10 rules listed on the board. The teacher

then asked the class what the punishment should be for breaking these

rules. "Rules are no good unless they are enforced", he said. Someone

in the class suggested that if the rules were broken, they should

receive 10 licks with a rod across their back with their coat off. The

teacher thought that this was pretty harsh, so he asked the class if

they would stand by this punishment. The class agreed.

Everything went along pretty good for two or three days. Then

Big Tom came in one day very upset. He declared that someone had stolen

his lunch.

After talking with the students, they came to the conclusion

that little Timmy had stolen Big Tom's lunch. Someone had seen little

Timmy with Big Tom's lunch!

The teacher called little Timmy up to the front of the room.

Little Timmy admitted he had taken Big Tom's lunch. So the teacher

asked him, "Do you know the punishment?" Little Timmy nodded that he

did. "You must remove your coat,"

the teacher instructed.

The little fellow had come with a great big coat on. Little

Timmy said to the teacher,"I am guilty and I am willing to take my

punishment, but please don't make me take off my coat. The teacher

reminded little Timmy of the rules and punishments and again told him he

must remove his coat and take his punishment like a man.

The little fellow started to unbutton that old coat. As he did

so, the teacher saw he did not have a shirt on under the coat. And even

worse, he saw a frail and bony frame hidden beneath that coat. The

teacher asked little Timmy why he had come to school without a shirt on.

Little Timmy replied, "My daddy's dead and my mother is very poor. I

don't have but one shirt, and my mother is washing it today. I wore my

big brother's coat so that I could keep warm."

That young teacher stood and looked at the frail back with the

spine protruding against the skin, and his ribs sticking out. He

wondered how he could lay a rod on that little back and without even a

shirt on. Still, he knew he must enforce the punishment or the children

would not obey the rules. So he drew back to strike little Timmy.

Just then Big Tom stood up and came down the aisle. He asked,

"Is there anything that says that I can't take little Timmy's whipping

for him?"

The teacher thought about it and agreed. With that Big Tom

ripped his coat off and stooped and stood over little Timmy at the desk.

Hesitatingly the teacher began to lay the rod on that big back. But for

some strange reason after only five licks that old rod just broke in

half. The young teacher buried his face in his hands and began to sob.

He heard a commotion and looked up to find not even one dry eye

in the room.

Little Timmy had turned and grabbed Big Tom around the neck

apologizing to him for stealing his lunch. Little Timmy begged Big Tom

to forgive him.

He told Big Tom that he would love him till the day he died for

taking his whipping for him.


COMMENTS

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Why Women Are Crabby

18:46 May 06 2006
Times Read: 709


Why Women Are Crabby







We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.









Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.







Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.





Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.







Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.



Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. ?Calm down and push. ?Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.







After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.







Then come their "Teen Years." ?Need I say more?





When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.





So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.







Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...





So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? ?Yeah right. ?Bite me.


COMMENTS

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Tading Card

01:42 May 05 2006
Times Read: 713


This trading card was made by a great friend of mine, Fizbop. Thank you so much for taking the time to do it for me.



Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


COMMENTS

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Farmer John

12:05 May 01 2006
Times Read: 718


Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.

But, as time went by, the traffic

slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his

chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.



So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office

and said, "You've got to do something about all

of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."





"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers

go out and erected a sign that said:



SLOW:

SCHOOL CROSSING





Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff

and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.

The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county

workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW:

CHILDREN AT PLAY





That really sped them up. So Farmer John called

and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are

doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."

He was going to let the Farmer John do just about

anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.





The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the

sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers.

Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh,! I sure did. And not one chicken has been

killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."

He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to

himself, "I'd better go out there and take a

look at that sign... it might be something that

WE could use to slow down drivers..."





So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,

and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:



NUDIST COLONY

Go slow and watch outfor chicks!!





COMMENTS

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Top Forty

12:02 May 01 2006
Times Read: 719


The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Man Say:



40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

38. Duct tape won't fix that.

37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

35. We don't keep fire arms in this house.

34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?

33. You can't feed that to the dog.

32. I thought Graceland was tacky.

31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.

30. Wrestling's fake.

29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

28. We're vegetarians.

27. Do you think my gut is too big?

26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

25. Honey, we don't need another dog.

24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are just too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C: drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

9. Checkmate.

8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen.

5. I don't have a favorite college team.

4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

3. You All.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.



And, the Number One thing you'll NEVER hear a Southern Man say:



1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight



COMMENTS

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Church Organist

11:59 May 01 2006
Times Read: 720


There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her

breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The

very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be

done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the

ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some

green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are

so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in

size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got

up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we

will not hath a thermon tewday"



COMMENTS

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THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY

11:58 May 01 2006
Times Read: 721




Good : Your wife is pregnant.

Bad : It's triplets.

Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago.





Good : Your wife's not talking to you.

Bad : She wants a divorce.

Ugly : She's a lawyer.





Good : Your son is finally maturing.

Bad : He's involved with the woman next door.

Ugly : So are you.



Good : Your son studies a lot in his room.

Bad : You find several porn movies hidden there.

Ugly : You're in them.





Good : Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.

Bad : You can't find your birth control pills.

Ugly : Your daughter borrowed them.



Good : Your husband understands fashion.

Bad : He's a cross-dresser.

Ugly : He looks better than you.



Good : You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.

Bad : She keeps interrupting.

Ugly : With corrections.



Good : Your son is dating someone new.

Bad : It's another man.

Ugly : He's your best friend.





Good : Your daughter got a new job.

Bad : As a hooker.

Ugly : Your co-workers are her best clients.

Way ugly : She makes more money than you do.

COMMENTS

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