>> One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
>>Sweatshirt.
>> Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
>
>>"What setting
>> do I use on the washing machine?"
>> "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
>> He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
>>
>> And they say blondes are dumb...
>>
>>
>> A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you
>>the happiest
>> woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."
>>
>>
>> "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
>
>>out of
>> the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if
>
>>I mowed the
>> lawn like this?"
>> "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said -
>>That's a good
>> idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa
>>and fart.
>>
>>
>> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
>> A: A rumor
>>
>>
>> A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their
>>40th wedding
>> anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and
>>said that
>> because they had been so good that each one of them could have
>>one wish. The wife
>> wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
>>
>> Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
>> The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
>> Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
>>
>>
>> A PRAYER....
>>
>> Dear Lord,
>> I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
>> Love to forgive him;
>> And Patience for his moods.
>> Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
>> I'll beat him to death.
>> AMEN
>>
>> Q: Why do little boys whine?
>> A: They are practicing to be men.
>>
>> Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
>> A: Trustworthy.
>>
>> Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
>and
>> calling your name?
>> A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
>>
>> Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after
>mating?
>> A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
>>
>> Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
>> A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
>>
>> Q: What is the difference between men and women?
>> A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
>>every woman
>> to satisfy his one need.
>>
>> Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
>> A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
If this doesn't get to you, nothing will)
Her hair was up in a pony tail,
her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy's Day at school,
and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her,
that she probably should stay home.
Why the kids might not understand,
if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid;
she knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried,
for her to face this day alone.
And that was why once again,
she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school
eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees;
a dad who never calls.
There were daddies along the wall in back,
for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
anxious in their seats
One by one the teacher called a student from the class
To introduce their daddy,
as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name,
every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
for a man who wasn't there.
"Where's her daddy at?"
she heard a boy call out.
"She probably doesn't have one,"
another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back,
she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad,
too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her,
as she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher,
who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back,
slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
came words incredibly unique.
"My Daddy couldn't be here,
because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know.
All about my daddy,
and how much he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories
he taught me to ride my bike.
He surprised me with pink roses,
and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes,
and ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I'm not standing here alone.
"Cause my daddy's always with me,
even though we are apart
I know because he told me,
he'll forever be in my heart"
With that, her little hand reached up,
and lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
beneath her favorite dress.
And from somewhere here in the crowd of dads,
her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love
of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down,
staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
but its message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much,
he's my shining star.
And if he could, he'd be here,
but heaven's just too far
You see he was a firefighter
and died just this past year
When airplanes hit the towers
and taught Americans to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it's like he never went away."
And then she closed her eyes,
and she saw him there that day.
And to her mothers amazement,
she witnessed with surprise
A room full of daddies and children,
all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them,
who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
they saw him at her side.
"I know you're with me Daddy,"
to the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
of those once filled with doubt.
Not one in that room could explain it,
for each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment,
by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never too far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special
person, an hour to appreciate them,
a day to love them, but then an entire
life to forget them.
REPOST THIS to SHOW APPRCIATION
for the people you'll never forget .
It's a short message to let them know
that you'll never forget them.
Take the time..to live and love.
Until eternity
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m .. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
" I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."
___________________________________________
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a 44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________
MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey! , "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________
Did you know ...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________
One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the ask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises
his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
Modern tale of the Birds and the Bees A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got Male."
Shawn came home from school disappointed. "I hate English, dem teachers are always changing stuff".
>>
>> Mother: "Shawn, have you been using bad words and writing dirty notes again?"
>>
>> Tyreal: "Naw, momma, I sware I didn't. I used all of my spelling words in a sentence like the teacher say, but the teacher, she gave me an "F".
>>
>>
>>
>> 1. HOTEL - My Momma said that she ain' gon tell her friend Shaqueta nothing else, cause that HOTEL everthang she know.
>>
>> 2. HONOR ROLL - We was playing bidwiz on the stoop the other day and man, I was HONORROLL.
>>
>> 3. PLANET - Leroy got arrested cause he got him some seed to grow weed, and he PLANET in the backyard.
>>
>> 4. DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a needle and said DISMAY hurt a little.
>>
>> 5. OMELETTE - I should punch you for what you jes said but OMELETTE it go dis time.
>>
>> 6. STAIRWAY - Getting high is stupid. It makes you STAIRWAY into space.
>>
>> 7. MOBILE - I went to buy some food, I was short on cash, and my man said gimme one MOBILE.
>>
>> 8. DEFENSE - I saw this dude running from the! cops, but he hopped DEFENSE and got away.
>>
>> 9. AFRO - I got so mad at my girl, AFRO a lamp at her.
>>
>> 10. AFTERMATH - I don't feel like being at school today so AFTERMATH, I'm out.
>>
>> 11. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.
>>
>> 12. DOMINEERING - My girl's birthday was yesterday, so I got her a DOMINEERING.
>>
>> 13 KENYA - I needed money for the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.
>>
>> 14. DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and da antelope play.
>>
>> 15 DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points My coach say DATA boy.
>>
>> 16. BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office, "Is dis BEWARE I can get a job?"
>>
>> 17. DIMENSION - I be tall, dark, handsome and not DIMENSION smart.
>>
>> 18. COATROOM - The judge said, "One more outburst, you'll be thrown out de COATROOM."
>>
>> 19. DECIDE - My boy fronting' like he love his girl but eribody know he got a couple of chicks on DECIDE.
>>
>> 20. FASCINATE - Her dress got 10 buttons, but she so big she can't FASCINATE.
>>
>>
>A woman and her ever-nagging husband went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
>they were there, the husband passed away. The undertaker told the wife ,
>"You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury him here, in the
>Holy Land, for $150.
>
>The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped
>home.
>
>The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your husband
>home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
>$150?
>
>The woman replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
>days later he rose from the dead I just can't take that chance.
>
>
>
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your
face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady
tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire
body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the
guilt thing and pout.. run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had
enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried , dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close
by and nuzzle them gently.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
> One day
> While they were walking past the hospital swimming
> pool, Jim
> suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the
> bottom of the pool and
> stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She
> swam to
> the bottom and pulled Jim out.
>
> When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's
> heroic act,
> she considered her to be mentally stable. When she
> went to tell
> Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and
> bad news.
>
> The good news is you're being discharged; since you
> were able
> to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and
> saving the
> life of another patient, I have concluded that your
> act displays
> sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the
> patient you saved,
> hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe
> right after
> you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
>
> Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there
> to dry.
> How soon Can I go home?"
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry..
Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said
"When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world,
yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line," ... we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
_____
In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.
_____
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner! J
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,"Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to hang on y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."
____
*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, > and pick you up and take you to the park to play. > >
*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, >< BR>> and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours > together. > >
*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and > > keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and > > blow bubbles. > >
*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a > tiny grumble when you scream
and whine for the ice cream truck and I > will buy you one if he comes by. > >
*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are > going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision > I have made where you are concerned. >
*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake > cookies, > and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. > >
*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's > and buy > us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.
*Just for > this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you > a story about how you were born and how much I love you. > > *Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and > not get angry. >
*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we > sit > on the porch and count all the stars. > *Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, > and miss my favorite TV shows. >
*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair > as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me > the > greatest gift ever given. >
*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching > for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are > visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, > and > mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching > their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that > they can't handle it anymore. >
*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little > tighter, > a ittle longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, > and > ask Him for nothing, except one more day............. > >
There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park.
Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.
Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat
and watched the people go by.
She never tried to speak.
She never said a word.
Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.
The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see
if the little girl would still be there.
Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was
yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes.
Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl.
For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place
for young children to play alone.
As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress.
It was grotesquely shaped.
I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no
effort to speak to her.
Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if
you make a step toward assisting someone who is different.
As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to
avoid my intent stare.
As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more
clearly.
She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.
I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk.
I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."
The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a "hi"; after a long
stare into my eyes.
I smiled and she shyly smiled back.
We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty.
I asked the girl why she was so sad.
The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm
different."
I immediately said, "That you are!"; and smiled.
The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."
"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel, sweet and
innocent."
She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and
said,
"Really?"
"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch
over all the people walking by."
She nodded her head yes, and smiled.
With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her
wings to spread, then she said "I am."
"I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in her eye.
I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.
She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself.
My job here is done".
I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an
angel?"
She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that
could see me," and then she was gone.
And with that, my life was changed dramatically.
So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is
always watching over you.
One Flaw In Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, < BR>
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken h! eart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
>A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its >hiding place in the closet.
>
>She poured the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three >times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chane here for >mistakes.
>
>Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she >slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store >with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
>
>She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention, but he >was too busy at this moment. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing >noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she >could muster. No good. Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged >it on the glass counter. That did it!
>
>"And what do you want?" the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. >I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he >said without waiting for a reply to his question.
>
>"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the >same annoyed tone. "He's really, really sick...and I ant to buy a >miracle."
>
>"I beg your pardon?" said the pharmacist.
>
>"His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my >Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle >cost?"
>
>"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," >the pharmacist said, softening a little.
>
>"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the >rest. Just tell me how much it costs."
>
>The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked >the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?"
>
>" I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. I just know he's >really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But my Daddy can't pay >for it, so I want to use my money."
>
>"How much do you have?" askd the man from Chicago.
>
>"One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly.
>
>"And it's all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to."
>
>"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven >cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers. "
>
>He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten >and said "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet >your parents. Let's see if I have the miracle you need."
>
>That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in >neuro-surgery. The operation was completed free of charge and it wasn't >long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
>
>Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led >them to this place.
>
>"That surgery," her Mom whispered "was a real miracle. I wonder how much >it would have cost?"
>
>Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and >eleven cents....plus the faith of a little child.
>
>In our lives, we never know how many miracles we will need.
>
THE WHIPPING
There was a school with a class of students that no teacher had been able to handle. Two or three teachers had been run off from this
school in one year by the unruly students.
A young man, just out of college, heard about the class and applied to the school. The principal asked the young man, "Do you know what you are asking for? No one else has been able to handle these students. You are just asking for a terrible beating".
After a few moments of silent prayer, the young man looked at the principal and said, "Sir, with your consent I accept the challenge.
Just give me a trial basis."
The next morning the young man stood before the class. He said to the class, "Young people, I came here today to conduct school. But I
realize I can't do it by myself. I must have your help.
One big boy, they called Big Tom, in the back of the room
whispered to his buddies, "I won't need any help. I can lick that
little bird all by myself."
The young teacher told the class that if they were to have
school, there would have to be some rules to go by. But he also added
that he would allow the students to make up the rules and that he would
list them on the blackboard.
This was certainly different, the students thought! One young
man suggested "NO STEALING." Another one shouted "BE ON TIME FOR CLASS."
Pretty soon they had 10 rules listed on the board. The teacher
then asked the class what the punishment should be for breaking these
rules. "Rules are no good unless they are enforced", he said. Someone
in the class suggested that if the rules were broken, they should
receive 10 licks with a rod across their back with their coat off. The
teacher thought that this was pretty harsh, so he asked the class if
they would stand by this punishment. The class agreed.
Everything went along pretty good for two or three days. Then
Big Tom came in one day very upset. He declared that someone had stolen
his lunch.
After talking with the students, they came to the conclusion
that little Timmy had stolen Big Tom's lunch. Someone had seen little
Timmy with Big Tom's lunch!
The teacher called little Timmy up to the front of the room.
Little Timmy admitted he had taken Big Tom's lunch. So the teacher
asked him, "Do you know the punishment?" Little Timmy nodded that he
did. "You must remove your coat,"
the teacher instructed.
The little fellow had come with a great big coat on. Little
Timmy said to the teacher,"I am guilty and I am willing to take my
punishment, but please don't make me take off my coat. The teacher
reminded little Timmy of the rules and punishments and again told him he
must remove his coat and take his punishment like a man.
The little fellow started to unbutton that old coat. As he did
so, the teacher saw he did not have a shirt on under the coat. And even
worse, he saw a frail and bony frame hidden beneath that coat. The
teacher asked little Timmy why he had come to school without a shirt on.
Little Timmy replied, "My daddy's dead and my mother is very poor. I
don't have but one shirt, and my mother is washing it today. I wore my
big brother's coat so that I could keep warm."
That young teacher stood and looked at the frail back with the
spine protruding against the skin, and his ribs sticking out. He
wondered how he could lay a rod on that little back and without even a
shirt on. Still, he knew he must enforce the punishment or the children
would not obey the rules. So he drew back to strike little Timmy.
Just then Big Tom stood up and came down the aisle. He asked,
"Is there anything that says that I can't take little Timmy's whipping
for him?"
The teacher thought about it and agreed. With that Big Tom
ripped his coat off and stooped and stood over little Timmy at the desk.
Hesitatingly the teacher began to lay the rod on that big back. But for
some strange reason after only five licks that old rod just broke in
half. The young teacher buried his face in his hands and began to sob.
He heard a commotion and looked up to find not even one dry eye
in the room.
Little Timmy had turned and grabbed Big Tom around the neck
apologizing to him for stealing his lunch. Little Timmy begged Big Tom
to forgive him.
He told Big Tom that he would love him till the day he died for
taking his whipping for him.
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. ?Calm down and push. ?Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." ?Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? ?Yeah right. ?Bite me.
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic
slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his
chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office
and said, "You've got to do something about all
of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers
go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW:
SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.
The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county
workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called
and called and called every day for three weeks.
Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are
doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the Farmer John do just about
anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity go the best of the
sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.
"How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh,! I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to
himself, "I'd better go out there and take a
look at that sign... it might be something that
WE could use to slow down drivers..."
So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house,
and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.
It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
Go slow and watch outfor chicks!!
The Top FORTY Things You Will NEVER Hear A Southern Man Say:
40. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep fire arms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are just too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C: drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And, the Number One thing you'll NEVER hear a Southern Man say:
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin' tonight
There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her
breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The
very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be
done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the
ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some
green persimmons, (if you eat them they make you pucker, because they are
so sour) and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in
size. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got
up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we
will not hath a thermon tewday"
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