Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
49 entries this month
Do you have a strange mind?12:41 Jun 30 2006
Times Read: 671
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid
> too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 oit of 100 plepoe can.
>
> i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was > rdanieg.
> The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid,
aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in
waht
oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the
frsit and
lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos
not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh?
yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you
can raed tihs forwrad it.
MID-LIFE CRISES12:38 Jun 30 2006
Times Read: 672
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
> "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a
> sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
> every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
> Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but
> I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
> holding up your side of things."
> My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
> 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be
> living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa
> bed.
> Aren't older women great. They really know to solve your mid-life
> crises....
THE WASH CLOTH12:37 Jun 30 2006
Times Read: 673
There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
> >
> > I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week, but
> > early on Monday morning, I received a call from his office to tell me that
> > my appointment had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 AM.
> >
> > I had just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already
> >
> >
> > around 8:45 AM. Since the trip to his office would take about 35 minutes, I
> > didn't have any time to spare.
> >
> > As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when
> > making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the
> > full effort.
> >
> > So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was
> > setting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to
> > make sure I was at least presentable.
> >
> > I then threw the washcloth in the hamper, donned some clothes, hopped in
> > the car and raced to my appointment.
> >
> > I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
> > Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped upon the table, looked
> > over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or
> > some other place a million miles away.
> >
> > I was a little surprised when the doctor, said, " My, we've made an extra
> > effort this morning, haven't we?"
> >
> > I didn't respond. After the exam, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
> >
> > The rest of the day was normal...some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.&nbs
> > p;
> >
> > After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from
> > the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"
> >
> > I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
> >
> > She replied,
> > "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and
> > sparkles saved inside it."
> >
> > God bless you and keep smiling,
A New Drink12:31 Jun 30 2006
Times Read: 673
A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few
> drinks. While
> they're
> >> >sitting there having a good time together she
> starts talking about
> this
> >> >really great new drink. The more she talks
> about it, the more
> excited
> > she
> >> >gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend
> into having one.
> After a
> >> >while he gives in and lets her order the drink
> for him. The
> bartender
> >> >brings the drink and puts the following on the
> bar -- A saltshaker,
> a
> > shot
> >> >of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
> >> >
> >> > The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically
> and the woman
> explains.
> >> >
> >> > "First you put a bit of the salt on your
> tongue, next you
> drink
> >> > the
> >> >shot of Baileys and hold it in you mouth, and
> finally you drink the
> lime
> >> >juice."
> >> >
> >> > So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and
> please her, goes for
> it.
> >> > He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but
> OK.
> >> >
> >> >He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich,
> cool, very pleasant.
> He
> >> >thinks - ! this is OK. Finally he picks up the
> lime juice and
> drinks it
> >> >
> >> > .... In one second the sharp lime taste
> hits...
> >> > .... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
> >> > .... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter
> taste hits.
> >> >
> >> > This triggers his gag reflex but being manly,
> and not wanting to
> >> >disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now
> nasty drink. When he
> > finally
> >> >chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and
> says, "Jesus, what
> do you
> >> >call that drink?"
> >> >
> >> > She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job
> Revenge!"
Warning!! just in case!12:30 Jun 30 2006
Times Read: 674
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, as much as anyone, but
>this one is very important! Please send it to everyone on your e-mail
>list!
>
>If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey
>on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around
to
>shake off the ticks, do not do it! IT IS A SCAM and they only want
to
>see you naked.
>
>P.S. - I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now...
GUY'S RULES15:29 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 686
GUY'S RULES
The Guy's Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally - the guy's side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty darn accurate.) We always hear "The Rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints DO NOT work! Strong hints DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Girls Night Out12:59 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 689
Two women who had been friends for years decide to go for a girls
night out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic about the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.
They were very near a graveyard, and one of them suggested they
take care of business behind a headstone. The first woman had
nothing to dry herself with, so she took off her panties, used
them, and threw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a
rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it.
Luckily she salvaged a large ribbon from a wreath that was on
one of the graves. So she dried herself
with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband
and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now.
My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband. "Mine came
home, passed
out on the bed and had a card stuck to her ass that said:
FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU
Skinny Dipping12:58 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 690
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
> He had
> a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
> he fixed
> it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and
> peach
> trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,
> as he
> hadn't been there for a while, and looks it over. He grabbed a five
> gallon
> bucket to bring back some fruit.
>
> As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
> glee. As
> he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
> in his
> pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to
> the deep
> end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
> leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you
> ladies
> swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
>
> Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
>
> Moral: Old men can still think fast.
I Owe My Mother
12:57 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 691
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'mgoing to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you'renot going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
whodon't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
The Koala and the Lizard
12:56 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 692
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint
when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says,
"Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says:
"Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and
helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting
finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much
water did you drink?!!"
7 reasons not to mess with a child12:55 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 693
7 reasons not to mess with a child
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 18pt; COLOR: #0000bf">
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I getto heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing She would occasionally walk aroud to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and th y Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns whte."The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will beto look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead.. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary postion the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had writen a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Rose Teaches A Lesson12:53 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 694
The first day of school our professor introduced himself and challenged us to get to know someone we didn't already know. I stood up to look around when a gentle hand touched my shoulder.
I turned around! to find a wrinkled, little old lady beaming up at me with a smile that lit up her entire being.
She said, "Hi handsome. My name is Rose.
I'm eighty-seven years old. Can I give you a hug?"
I laughed and enthusiastically responded, "Of course you may!" and she gave me a giant squeeze.
"Why are you in college at such a young, innocent age?" I asked.
She jokingly replied, "I'm here to meet a rich husband, get married, and have a couple of kids..."
"No seriously," I asked. I was curious what may have motivated her to be taking on this challenge at her age.
"I always dreamed of having a college education and now I'm getting one!" she told me.
After class we walked to the student union building and shared a chocolate milkshake.
We became instant friends. Every day for the next three months we would leave class together and talk nonstop. I was always mesmerized listening to this "time machine" as she shared her wisdom and experience with me.
Over the course of the year, Rose became a campus icon and she easily made friends wherever she went.
She loved to dress up and she reveled in the attention bestowed upon her from the other students. She was living it up.
At! the end of the semester we invited Rose to speak at our football banquet.
I'll never forget what she taught us. She was introduced and stepped up to the podium. As she began to deliver her prepared speech, she dropped her three by five cards on the floor.
Frustrated and a little embarrassed she leaned into the microphone and simply said, "I'm sorry I'm so jittery. I gave up beer for Lent and this
whiskey is killing me! I'll never get my speech back in order so let me just tell you what I know."
As we laughed she cleared her throat and began, "We do not stop playing because we are old; we grow old because we stop playing.
There are only four secrets to staying young, being happy, and achieving success You have to laugh and find humor every day. You've got to have a dream. When you lose your dreams, you die.
We have so many people walking around who are dead and don't even know it!
T here is a huge difference between growing older and growing up.
If you are nineteen years old and lie in bed for one full year and don't do one productive thing, you will turn twenty years old. If I am eighty-seven years old and stay in bed for a year and never do anything I will turn eighty-eight.
Anybody can grow older. That doesn't take any talent or ability. The idea is to grow up by always finding opportunity in change. Have no regrets.
The elderly usually don't have re- grets for what we did, but rather for things we did not do. The only people who fear death are those with
regrets."
She concluded her speech by courageously singing "The Rose."
She challenged each of us to study the lyrics and live them out in our daily lives.
At the year's end Rose finished the college degree she had begun all those years ago.
One week after graduation Rose died peacefully in her sleep.
Over two thousand college students atte nded her funeral in tribute to the wonderful woman who taught by example that it's never too late to be all you can possibly be.
Questions12:43 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 696
>
>Can you cry under water?
>
>
>
>How important does a person have to be before they are considered
>assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
>Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for
>your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
>
>Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
>in for eternity?
>
>Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>
>What disease did cured ham actually have?
>
>
>How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
>good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
>Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
>every two hours?
>
>Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
>to look at things on the ground?
>
>Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
>naked&n bsp;anyway.
>
> just things I think about
>Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
>Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
>crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
>him?
>Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
>why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>
>Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
>dogs!
>If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't
>he just buy dinner?
>If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
>what is baby oil made from?
>If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
>Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
>Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
>Why do they call it an asteroid when it's& nbsp;outside the hemisphere, but call
>it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
>Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
>but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
>
Two Sisters12:36 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 699
>
>Two sisters, one blonde and one
>brunette, inherit the family
>ranch. Unfortunately, after just
>a few years, they are in
>financial trouble. To keep the
>bank from repossessing the
>ranch, they need to purchase a
>bull from the stockyard in a
>far town so they can breed
>their own stock.
>
>They have only $600 left. Upon
>leaving, the brunette tells
>her sister, "When I get there,
>if I decide to buy the bull,
>I'll contact you to drive out
>after me and haul it home."
>
>
>The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
>she wants to buy it. The man tells
>her that he will sell it for $599,
>no less. After paying him, she drives
>to the nearest town to send her
>sister a telegram to tell
>her the news. She walks into
>the telegraph office and says,
>"I want to send a telegram to
>my sister telling her that
>I've bought a bull for our ranch.
>I need her to hitch the
>trailer to our pickup truck and
>drive out here so we can
>haul it home."
>
>The telegraph operator explains
>that he'll be glad to help
>her, then adds, "It's just 99
>cents a word." Well, after
>paying for the bull, the brunette
>has only $1 left. She
>realizes that she'll be able to send
>her sister just one word.
>
>After a few minutes of thinking,
>she nods and says, "I want
>you to send her the word
>'comfortable.'"
>
>The operator shakes his head.
>"How is she ever going to know
>that you want her to hitch the
>trailer to your pickup truck
>and drive out here to&n bsp;haul that
>bull back to your ranch if
>you send her just the
>word 'comfortable'?"
>
>The brunette explains,
>"My sister's a blonde.
>The word's big. She'll read
>it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
>
Young Boy12:34 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 700
little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed
> > he had his collar on backwards.
> >
> > The young boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
> >
> > The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
> >
> > The little boy replied," My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like
> > that."
> >
> > The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of
> > many."
> >
> > The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls, and 2 grandchildren, and
> > he doesn't wear his collar that way."
> >
> > The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds,"
> > and went back to reading his book.
> >
> > The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
> > and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of
> > your
collar."
Living Will
12:32 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 701
>>>> Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking
>>>> about many things. The idea of a living will came up. I said, "I
>>>> never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
>>>> fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that, just pull the plug."
>>>>
>>>> She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.
>>>>
>>>> Bitch
The Value of Life
12:26 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 702
>>To realize
>>The value of a sister
>>Ask someone
>>Who doesn't have one.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of ten years:
>>Ask a newly
>>Divorced couple.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of four years:
>>Ask a graduate.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one year:
>>Ask a student who
>>Has failed a final exam.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of nine months:
>>Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one m onth:
>>Ask a mother who has
>>Given birth to a premature baby.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one week:
>>Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one hour:
>>Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one minute:
>>Ask a person
>>Who has missed the train, bus or plane.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one-second:
>>Ask a person
>>Who has survived an accident.
>>
>>To realize
>>The value of one millisecond:
>> Ask the person who has
>>Won a silver medal in the Olympics.
>>
>>To realize the value of a friend:
>>Lose one.
>>
>>Time waits For no one.
>>Treasure every moment you have.
>>You will treasure it even more when
>>you can share it with someone special.
Jay Leno12:25 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 702
Jay Leno quote:
> >
> > Everyone might not be a Jay Leno fan, but I think this quote pretty
> > much hits the nail on the head. The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
> >
> > With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides,
> > flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to
> > another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure
> > this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
Think Before You Speak12:24 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 703
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour.
The wife is behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing,
Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet,
But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to55
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph,
The wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are clever!!!
Don't mess with them!!
12:21 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 705
Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their
best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them
now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a
house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in
the other. It was the time for fixing things. A
curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven
door, the hem in a dress. Things we keep. It was a way
of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that
re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be
wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things
away meant you knew there'd always be more.
But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's
night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was
struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there
isn't any more.
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up
and goes away... never to return. So... while we have
it... it's best we love it... and care for it... and
fix it when it's broken... and heal it when it's sick.
This is true... for marriage... and old cars... and
children with bad report cards... and dogs with bad
hips... and aging parents... and grandparents. We keep
them because they are worth it, because we are worth
it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate we grew up with.
There are just some things that make life important,
like people we know who are special... and so, we keep
them close!
I received this from someone who thinks I am a keeper.
TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY
1. God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask
how many people you drove who didn't have
transportation.
2. God won't ask the square footage of your house,
He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3. God won't ask about the clothes you had in your
closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.
4. God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll
ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5. God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if
you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6. God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask
how many people to whom you were a friend.
7. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll
ask how you treated your neighbors.
8. God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll
ask about the content of your character.
9. God won't ask why it took you so long to seek
Salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in
heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
10. God won't have to ask how many people you
forwarded this to, He already knows your decision.
Cheap Labor12:02 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 710
Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about?
Business don't want to pay a decent wage,
consumers don't want expensive produce,
Govenment will tell you Americans don't want the jobs
but the bottom line is cheap labor.
"The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, and a lie.
There is no such thing as "cheap labor."
Take, for example, an illegal Mexican who sneaks in here with his wife and five children.
He takes a job for five or six dollars an hour.
At that wage with six dependents he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year if he files income tax he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free.
He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent,
He qualifies for food stamps.
He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care.
His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school.
He requires bilingual teachers and books.
He qualifies for relief from high energy bills.
If they are or become, aged, blind or disabled they qualify for SSI.
Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for medicare.
All of this is at that taxpayers expense.
He doesn't have to worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance.
Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material.
He cannot be fired, harassed, or sued.
He and his family receive the equivalent of $20 to $30 an hour in benefits.
Working Americans are lucky to have $5 or $6 an hour left after paying their bills and his.
They also pay for increased crime, graffiti, and trash cleanup.
Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT!"
When Girls Drink Too Much12:00 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 711
Subject: WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............
1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.
2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.
3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.
4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO
5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.
6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"
7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.
8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.
9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.
10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)
11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.
12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
Little Tony
11:58 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 712
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,"Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse,darling." Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!" "And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
Seven Kinds of Sex
11:57 Jun 21 2006
Times Read: 713
> Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:
>
> The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
when
> You first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the
> Face.
>
> The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been
> With your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have
> Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
>
> The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been
> With your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
> Usually have sex only in your bedroom.
>
> The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been
> With your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the
hallway
> You both say "screw you".
>
> The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot
> Stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws
> You in front of everyone.
>
> The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the
> Morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
>
> OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get
a
> Little each month. But not enough to live on!
>
Men14:55 Jun 16 2006
Times Read: 719
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "Penn State."
And they say blondes are dumb...
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
This Is Great.14:59 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 724
You may copy and paste this to your journal if you like. But be sure to pass it on to all your friends. It will make them smile.
YOU HAVE BEEN FUCKED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Spread the legs and go at it! Pick any of your friends and FUCK THEM! This is for any one you think needs to be fucked.
RULES:
1- You can fuck the person who fucked you, of course.
2- You can fuck the same person as many times as you can (c'mon, ENDURANCE)! Be creative! You can even Fuck Yourself !!!!
3- You -MUST- spread the sex! At least 1 fuck is fine, But more is devine !!!!
4- You should fuck in public! Be adventurous, damn it. Paste it on their user page so they'll feel sultry, sexy, slutty, and thoroughly Fucked !!!!!!!
5- Random sex is perfectly okay! Fuck everyone that you think deserves a good Fuckin' !!!!
6- Please, don't worry about same gender fucking, it's HOT. (For you ladies anyway ;)
7- You should most definitely get started, So start fuckin' right away ...Fuck me 1st !!!!
Please don't take this too personally, BUT: I JUST FUCKED YOU !!!! And, I Liked It !!!!!!! And, So Did You !!!!!!!
F.U.C.K. Stands For: Friends U Can Keep
So promise me, that we'll F.U.C.K. forever!
This is about showing everyone how much you care for them and HOW BAD YOU WANT THEIR ASS! Make everyone feel a little loved (and roughed up!).
Story in Tampa Newspaper
13:39 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 730
WILL we still be the country of choice and still be America IF we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
Think about it....
All I have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings........
It's not Christmas vacation, it is Winter Break! Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I AM now being Offended. But it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all!
This is an editorial written by an
American citizen, published in a
Tampa newspaper!
IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America.
Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, need to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan. We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are happy with our culture and have no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land, and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so.
But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE. It is Time for America to Speak up! If you agree -- pass this along; if you don't agree -- delete it!
AMEN
Rules For Puppies
13:35 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 731
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not roll on dead birds, fish, rodents, etc.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.!
And should I forget, I will not lick my human's face after eating "Kitty box crunchies".
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose against her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
HOPE IT MADE YOU SMILE
Life13:34 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 732
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life
you want me to live for sixty years.
How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life.
For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;
that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Robin Williams New Rules13:29 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 733
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says "I love New York" in Arabic.
You gotta love Robin Williams......
Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin
Williams to come up with the perfect
plan. What we need now is for our
UN Ambassador to stand up and
repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to
argue with this logic!)
"I see a lot of people yelling for peace
but I have not heard of a plan for
peace. So, here's one plan."
1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave.We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available
to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.
5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort
to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given
to the army. The people who need
it most get very little, if anything.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer
saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "
WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?13:14 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 736
Subject: SUN (BELT) SIGN ASTROLOGICAL ANALYSIS
WHAT'S YOUR SOUTHERN SIGN?
OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Are tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. Older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.
CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful they may surprise you. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.
BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - March 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.
MOON PIE (March 21 - April 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.
POSSUM (April 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a "don't bother me about it" attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.
CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good hands.
COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are a Collard, stay away from Crawfish. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.
CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.
GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well. You are pure in heart.
BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best ~ your friends and loved ones ~ may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.
BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 22) Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, also, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.
ARMADILLO (Nov 23 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat mating possibility. Not every mole hill has to be a mountain.
1st Hybrid Motorcycle13:12 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 737
Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers
13:09 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 738
Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before! the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently
getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work----
I have been doing this for years, and I get very little
junk mail anymore.
Water or Coke?13:08 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 739
Water or Coke? .... draw your own conclusion!!!
>>
>>
>>
>> This is really an eye opener.... We all know that water is important but
>> I've never seen it written down like this before.
>>
>> WATER
>>
>> 1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
>>
>> 2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
>> mistaken for hunger.
>>
>> 3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
>>
>> 4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost
>100%
>> of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
>>
>> 5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
>>
>> 6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
>> significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
>>
>> 7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzz short-term memory,
>> trouble
>> with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
>> printed page.
>>
>> 8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer
>by
>> 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%
>> less
>> likely to develop bladder cancer.
>>
>> And now for the properties of COKE:
>>
>> 1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of
>> coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
>>
>> 2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in
>two
>> days 3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl
>> and
>> let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid
>> in
>> Coke removes stains from vitreous China.
>>
>> 4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a
>> rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
>>
>> 5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola
>> over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
>>
>> 6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
>> rusted bolt for several minutes.
>>
>> 7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
>wrap
>> the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is
>> finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke
>for
>> a
>> sumptuous brown gravy.
>>
>> 8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of
>> greasy
>> clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola
>> will
>> help loosen grease stains.
>>
>> 9. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.
>>
>> For Your Info:
>>
>> 1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It
>> will
>> dissolve a nail in about
>> 4 days.
>>
>> Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones and is a major
>contributor
>> to the rising increase in osteoporosis.
>>
>> 2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must
>> use
>> the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive
>> materials.
>>
>> 3. The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of
>> their trucks for about 20 years!
>>
>> Now the question is, would you like a coke or a glass of water?
>> Have A Great Day and Share It With Others
>>
My Private Part Died Today!
13:04 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 740
A very old man, Mr. Stewart, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.
"Yes," said Mr. Stewart, "my Private Part died today."
Knowing her patients were forgetful and often confused, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Stewart, please accept my condolences."
The following morning, Mr. Stewart was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas when he met Nurse Tracy.
"Mr. Stewart," she said, "you can't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."
Mr. Stewart replied, "Didn't I tell you yesterday that my Private Part died?"
"Yes, you did tell me that, but what does that have to do with it hanging out of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.
"Well," he replied, "today's the viewing."
SOUTHERN GRANDMA13:03 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 741
SOUTHERN GRANDMA
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."
"What does love mean?"12:56 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 742
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore.
So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca- age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
Karl - age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6
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"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."
Terri - age 4
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"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.
My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
Emily - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,"
Nikka - age 6
(we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
Noelle - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6
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"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.
He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My mommy loves me more than anybody
You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
Clare - age 6
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
Elaine-age 5
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt."
Chris - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
Lauren - age 4
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
Karen - age 7
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
Jessica - age 8
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.
The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said,
"Nothing, I just helped him cry"
Underwear Is Important
12:54 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 743
If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead!
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping
while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
The Shortest Fairy Tale12:51 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 745
Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?"
The guy said, "No", and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny and farted whenever she wanted.
The end.
Comeback Lines
12:48 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 746
M: I know how to please a woman.
W: Then please leave me alone.
M: I want to give myself to you.
W: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
M: Your hair color is fabulous.
W: Thank you. It's on aisle three at the corner drug store.
M: You look like a dream.
W: Go back to sleep.
M: I can tell that you want me.
W: Yes, I want you to leave.
M: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
W: Do not enter. -OR- Stop.
M: Your body is like a temple.
W: Sorry, there are no services today.
M: Is this seat empty?
W: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
M: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
W: What's it like being the biggest liar in the world?
M: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
W: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Comparing Men/Women at the ATM...12:47 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 747
Comparing Men/Women at the ATM... posted: 2/19/2006
Instructions for the guys:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
Instructions for the Gals:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Condom Buying
12:46 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 748
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and says...
"You never told me that your father is a pharmacist!"
Condom Education.
12:45 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 749
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."
The son then asks his father, "Well what's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married...
You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Feel like a woman
12:45 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 750
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none,erased it and then proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Only in America
12:44 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 751
1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.
13 Reasons to Smile
12:41 Jun 09 2006
Times Read: 752
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"
And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
This Is Scary19:49 Jun 01 2006
Times Read: 758
I knew there was a reason why I always drink from a straw.
PLEASE READ
A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke which
she put into the refrigerator of the boat.
On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in the Intensive Care
Unit.
She died on Wednesday.
The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis. This was traced to the
can of coke she drank from, not using a glass.
Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the
disease Leptospirosis.
Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances.
It is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part of soda cans
before drinking out of them.
The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to
the shops without being cleaned.
A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated
than public toilets (i.e.) full of germs and bacteria.
So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any
kind of fatal accident.
THIS INFO COULD SAVE A LOVED ONE AS WELL AS YOURSELF.19:47 Jun 01 2006
Times Read: 759
This is just as valuable as knowing CPR.
STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters... S.T.R.
A friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read:
STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.
It only takes a minute to read this...
A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.
RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and Learn!
Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:
S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today)
R * Ask the PERSON TO RAISE BOTH ARMS.
NOTE : Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their
tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other
that is also an indication of a stroke. If he or she has trouble with
ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately !! and describe the
symptoms to the dispatcher.
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