The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Senior Humor
15:10 Jul 28 2006
Times Read: 643

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.



"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"



"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.



There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."



-----------------------------------------







An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.



"Yes, Dad, what is it?"



"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."



---------------------- -------------------







Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.



------------------------------------------



The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.



--------------------- ---------------------



Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.



---------------------- ----------------------



When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.



----------------------- ----------------------



You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.



----------------------------------------------



I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.



------------------------ ----------------------



One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.



----------------------- -----------------------



Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.



-------------------------- ---------------------



Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.



-------------------------- --------------------



If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.



--------------------- -----------------



First, you forget names, then you forget faces. Then, you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.



----------------------- --------------------



Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



A WELL PLANNED LIFE????



Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "



"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."



Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"



"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
20:57 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 653

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!









2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!











3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?











4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!











5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.







6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.











7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!







8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.







9.Dog sweaters. Hello ???, Haven't you noticed the fur?





10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.







Now lay off me on some of these thing's, We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???

LOOK
20:50 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 654








BELLY DANCER (ADULT)





Please let me know if you find this belly dancer offensive.







No one knows if you take a peek so go ahead and watch the belly dancer, you owe it to yourself.











(Look at Discreetly)







Scroll Down.........

.

.

.

.































You just had to look......didn't ya!

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008
20:46 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 656

Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.



For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.



PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment ...









MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!



Maxine on "Driver Safety"

"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......



Maxine on "Housework"

"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."



Maxine on "Lawn Care"

"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."



Maxine on "The Perfect Man"

"All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."



Maxine on "Technology Revolution"

"My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."



Maxine on "Aging"

"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."







~~~~~

Never read the fine print.

There ain't no way you're going to like it.





If you let a smile be your umbrella,

then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.





The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.



The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.



To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.



Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?





Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.



Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.



After a certain age, if you don't wake up

aching somewhere, you may be dead.



~~~~~

Really... it's true! Have I ever lied to you?

So don't forget, November 2008:

VOTE FOR MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES.



There's no one better for the job.

MAXINE HAS MY VOTE!

Here's Your Sign
20:38 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 657

This Says It All
20:24 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 659

Double Outhouse

Words fail me!











This pretty much says it all!

When Not To Have Your Picture Taken
20:16 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 662

These are so funny!!!

PC Illisions
20:07 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 665




You should see a man's face and also a word...

Hint: Try tilting your head to the right, the world begins with 'L'









If you take a look at the following picture , let me tell you ... it is not animated. Your eyes are making it move. To test this, stare at one spot for a couple seconds and everything will stop moving. Or look at the black center of each circle and it will stop moving. But move your eyes to the next black center and the previous will move after you take your eyes away from it.... Weird

How was your cereal this morning?
20:04 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 666

6 Reasons Not to Take your Child to the Zoo!
19:59 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 667

PRICELESS!!!!
19:54 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 669

This is one of the funniest I have seen in a while!!

Read the following explanation before looking at the picture!

This picture is not doctored. Most Syrians struggle to even read

>>>Arabic,

>>> >>>much less have a clue about English.

>>> >>>

>>> >>>So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most

>>> >>>impact

>>>with

>>> >>>their signs by having the standard "Death To Americans"(etc.)

>>> >>>slogans printed in English?

>>> >>>

>>> >>>Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian! to

>>> >>>translate

>>>and

>>> >>>write their statements into English. Unfortunately, in this case,

>>> >>>they were unaware that the "civilian" insurance company emp loyee

>>> >>>hired for the job was a r etired US Army sergeant!

>>> >>>

>>> >>>

>>> >>>Obviously, pictures of this protest rally never made their way

>>> >>>through the Arab TV networks, but the results were "Priceless."

>>> >>>

19:51 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 670

Medical Break Through
19:47 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 674

Sometimes, I would love to have some of this.















Prescribed by the Great Physician

Government Cats
19:42 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 676




The Four Cats!



Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.



The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Employee.



To show off, the Engineer called his cat,



"T-square, do your stuff."



T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.



But the Accountant said his cat could do better.



He called his cat and said,



"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."



Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............Everyone agreed that was good.



But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."



Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.



Everyone agreed that was pretty good.



Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"



The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,



"Coffee Break, do your stuff."



Coffee Break jumped to his feet











ate the cookies,







drank the milk,,,,,,,,,







shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,







screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,







claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,







filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,







put in for Workers Compensation...............and







went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............

Tiny's Place
19:35 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 677

Tiny`s Place



Tiny & Nancy



Lifes journey begins one day at a time:



Not for a destination but to be continued all of ones life.



























Keep reading until the end and you will understand.





AN ENGINEERING MASTER PIECE



During the construction phase......



Dubai, United Arab Emirates









All finished. Notice the size of the palm trees outside..........











Remember, this is in the middle of the desert.... The very HOT desert where temperatures get up to 120 degrees.....







Unbelievable!



But true.....





The INSIDE view:



















Why is gasoline $2.95 a gallon for regular unleaded??????

So they can Snow ski in the desert, that's why!

Are we stupid or what!

Seeing Eye Dog
19:29 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 678






The hardest part of being a seeing eye dog!

Funny Pics
19:16 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 683

JUST GIVE ME 5 MINUTES. 5 MINUTES IS ALL I NEED

AND I WILL BE GOOD AS NEW!







OK, I'LL BE HIS FRIEND BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT!











THEY'LL NEVER FIND ME IN HERE!











ALL! RIGHT, WHO CHOSE WHO WE STAND BY? I HAVE STANDARDS













PUT THAT NOSE UP HERE ONE MORE TIME AND YOU'LL HAVE 3 NOSTRILS!









IF YOU TELL THE GUYS ABOUT THIS, I'M PEEING IN YOUR SHOES!











CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT THIS DUDE LOOKS LIKE WET? HA HA HA







HAVE YOU EVER SEEN PORCUPINE BABIES?



GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING TO LABOR PAINS!!











I'M SO GLAD IM NOT AN ONLY CHILD!







AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA PUT HER IN MY BED

I MIGHT AS WELL SHARE.













SOMETIMES YOUR BED JUST FEELS SOOO GOOD!







EARS? WHAT EARS?









Nothing replaces having a friend























"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Dogs
19:06 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 684

This is why dogs turn on their owners.

Crack in my Windshield
19:00 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 688

I'm driving along at 65 miles an hour (the speed limit), minding my own business, when outta nowhere there's this big crack in my windshield!!

I swerved right,



and then left,



and it was still right there!!



































There are NO words for this.

YOU NAMED IT WHAT?
18:48 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 692




You named it WHAT? #1









You named it what? #2













You named it what? #3















You named it what? #4













You named it what? #5















You named it what? #6















You named it what? #7















And now

Redneck Wiener Roasting
18:37 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 694

Redneck Wiener Roasting!!

Now admit it....unless you're a REDNECK,

you've never thought of such a BRILLIANT plan!

Wiggles
18:22 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 699

This is so cute and funny.















Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"









............

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together



you get glue?..





and then you add eggs







and sugar...

and you get cake?













Where did the glue go ?

NEED AN ANSWER?

Y ou know darned well where it went!





That's what makes the cake

Stick to your BUTT

Subject: O.J.T.
18:07 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 702

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me

>> Elmo toys.

>>

>> The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

>>

>> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for

>> her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

>>

>> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's

>> door.

>>

>> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

>> employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is

>> backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

>>

>> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2

>> men march down to the factory floor.

>>

>> When they get t here the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me

>> Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

>> At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle

>> Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small

>> marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of

>> fabric,

>> wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package

>> between Elmo's legs.

>>

>> The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of

>> hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

>>

>> "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

>> I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

>>

>> "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

>>

Subject: Cowboy
18:06 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 703

In a small town, the Sheriff walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and

his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.



As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?



The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.



We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.



Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did.



Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts so I did.



Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,"Now go to town cowboy... "



And here I am.

What Do You Do All Day?
18:02 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 704

What Do You Do All Day?



A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still

in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers

strewn all around the front yard.



The door of his wife's car was open, as was

the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding

into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked

over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.



In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.



In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the

counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,

a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.



He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of

clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that

something serious had happened.



He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys

strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been

smeared over the mirror and walls.



As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife

still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up

at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What

happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every

day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all

day?"



"Yes," was his incredulous reply.



She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."



Send this page to another woman.



Priceless

MY REMEMBERER IS BROKE
18:00 Jul 26 2006
Times Read: 705

MY REMEMBERER IS BROKE



My forgetter's getting better,

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny

But, to me, that is no joke



For when I'm "here" I'm wondering

If I really should be "there"

And, when I try to think it through,

I haven't got a prayer!



Oft times I walk into a room,

Say "what am I here for?"

I wrack my brain, but all in vain!

A zero, is my score.



At times I put something away

Where it is safe, but, Gee!

The person it is safest from

Is, generally, me!



When shopping I may see someone,

Say! "Hi" and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away

I ask myself, "who was that?"



Yes, my forgetter's getting better

While my rememberer is broke,

And it's driving me plumb crazy

And that isn't any joke.



CAN YOU RELATE???

Tattoo Of The Year (2006)
20:18 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 718

Redneck Tractor Pull
20:18 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 719

DONT..Argue with a Woman
20:12 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 720

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and

decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife

decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and

reads her book.



Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the

woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"



"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")



"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.



"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."



"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could

start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."



"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.



"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.



"That's true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."



"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.





MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Thank God for Children Saying Grace
20:11 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 721

> > Last week I took my children to a restaurant.

> > My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.

> > As we bowed our heads he said,

> > "God is good, God is great.....Thank you for

> > the food, and I would even thank You more if Mom

> > gets us ice cream for dessert!!----

> > And---- liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

> >

> > Along with the laughter from the other

> > customers nearby I heard a woman remark,

> > "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today

> > don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream!

> > Why, I never!"

> >

> > Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it

> > wrong? Is God mad at me?"

> >

> > As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job

> > and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached

> > the table. He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God

> > thought that was a great prayer."

> >

> > "Really?" my son asked.

> >

> > "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper

> > he added (indicating the woman whose remark had

> > started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice

> > cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

> >

> > Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.

> > My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember

> >

> > the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked

> > over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her,

> > "Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and

> > my soul is good already"

> >

> > The End.

Tequila and Salt
20:04 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 723

This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read

it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.



1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.



So............If you are a loving friend, send this to everyone, including the one that sent it to you. If you get it back, then they really do love you. And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

The sweetest revenge I've ever heard
20:03 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 724

>>> > >You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a recent

>>> > >wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the

>>> > >local newspaper

>>and

>>> > >even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300

>>guests.

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >

>>> > >After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage

>>> > >with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to

>>> > >thank everyone

>>for

>>> > >coming, many from long distances, to support them at their

wedding.

>>> > >

>>> > >He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to

>>> > >thank

>>his

>>> > >new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

>>> > >

>>> > >As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give

>>> > >everyone

>>a

>>> > >special gift just from him.

>>> > >

>>> > >So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding



>>> > >party

>>was

>>> > >an envelope.

>>> > >

>>> > >He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open

>>> > >their envelope.

>>> > >

>>> > >Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride

>>> > >having sex

>>with

>>> > >the best man.

>>> > >

>>> > >The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had

>>> > >hired a private detective to tail them.

>>> > >

>>> > >After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions

>>> > >for a

>>couple

>>> > >of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"

>>> > >

>>> > >Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"

>>> > >

>>> > >Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta

here."

>>> > >

>>> > >He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.

>>> > >

>>> > >While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately

>>> > >after

>>finding

>>> > >out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as

>>> > >if

>>nothing

>>> > >were wrong.

>>> > >

>>> > >His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a

>>> > >300

>>guest

>>> > >wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and

>>> > >best

>>man's

>>> > >reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

>>> > >

>>> > >This guy has balls the size of church bells.

>>> > >

>>> > >Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out



>>> > >of this?

>>> > >

>>> > >Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and

>>> > >friends:

>>> > >

>>> > >$32,000.

>>> > >

>>> > >Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion: $3,000

>>> > >

>>> > >Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500.

>>> > >

>>> > >The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the

>>> > >bride humping the best man: Priceless.

>>> > >

>>> > >There are some things money can't buy, for everything else

>>> > >there's MASTERCARD!

>>> > >

>>> > >"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches, it's more like a

>>> > >jar of Jalapenos--what you do today, might burn your ass

tomorrow......"

>>> > >

>>> >

SLOW DANCE
19:58 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 726

> Have you ever watched kids

> > > >

> > > > On a merry-go-round?

> > > >

> > > > Or listened to the rain

> > > >

> > > > Slapping on the ground?

> > > >

> > > > Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

> > > >

> > >

> > Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

> > > >

> > > > You better slow down.

> > > >

> > > > Don't dance so fast.

> > > >

> > > > Time is short.

> > > >

> > > > The music won't last.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Do you run through each day

> > > >

> > >

> > On the fly?

> > > >

> > > > When you ask How are you?

> > > >

> > > > Do you hear the reply?

> > > >

> > > > When the day is done

> > > >

> > > > Do you lie in your bed

> > > >

> > > > With the next hundred chores

> > > >

> > >

> > Running through your head?

> > > >

> > > > You'd better slow down

> > > >

> > > > Don't dance so fast.

> > > >

> > > > Time is short.

> > > >

> > > > The music won't last.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Ever told your child,

> > > >

> > >

> > We'll do it tomorrow?

> > > >

> > > > And in your haste,

> > > >

> > > > Not see his sorrow?

> > > >

> > > > Ever lost touch,

> > > >

> > > > Let a good friendship die

> > > >

> > > > Cause you never had time

> > > >

> > >

> > To call and say,"Hi"

> > > >

> > > > You'd better slow down.

> > > >

> > > > Don't dance so fast.

> > > >

> > > > Time is short.

> > > >

> > > > The music won't last.

> > > >

> > > > When you run so fast to get somewhere

> > > >

> > >

> > You miss half the fun of getting there.

> > > >

> > > > When you worry and hurry through your day,

> > > >

> > > > It is like an unopened gift....

> > > >

> > > > Thrown away.

> > > >

> > > > Life is not a race.

> > > >

> > > > Do take it slower

> > > >

> > >

> > Hear the music

> > > >

> > > > Before the song is over.

answering machine messages
19:55 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 727

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave

your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

>

> 2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're

not here, so leave a message.

>

> 3. Speak.

>

> 4. Hi, Now you say something.

>

> 5. Hi, I'm not at home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can

talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

>

> 6. Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

>

> 7. (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Santo. If you leave message, I

call you soon. If you leave "sexy message," I call you sooner!

>

> 8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.

Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of

these magnets.

>

> 9. Hello, You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving

messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their

carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need

their pictures taken. If you're still with us, leave a message and we'll get

back to you.

>

> 10. This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic

thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason

for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about

returning your call.

>

> 11. Hi. I am probably home. I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a

message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

>

> 12. If you are a burglar, then we're at home cleaning our assault weapons

right now and can't answer the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and

it is safe to leave us a message.

>

> 13. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right

now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it

briskly up and down, and I like doing it left to right, real slowly. So

leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to

you.

>

Two traveling angels
19:47 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 730

Keep reading to the bottom of the page -- don't stop at the fee! t

(You'l l see).





Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a

wealthy

family.





The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the

mansion's

guest room.





Instead the angels were given a small space in the cold basement.





As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole

in

the wall and repaired it.





When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied,





"Things aren't always what they seem."





The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor,

but

very hospitable farmer and his wife.





After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels

sleep

in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.





When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer

and

his wife in tears.





Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in

the

field.





The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel how could

you

have let this happen?





The first man had everything, yet you helped him, he accused.





The second family had little but was willing to share everything,

and

you let the cow die.





"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.





"When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was

gold

stored in that hole in the wall.





Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share

his

good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it."





"Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death

came

for his wife. I gave him the cow instead.





Things aren't always what they seem."





Sometimes that is exactly what happens when things don't turn out

the

way they should. If you have faith, you just need to trust that every

out

come is always to your advantage. You just might not know it until some

time

later...





Some people come into our lives

and quickly go..







Some people become friends

and stay awhile....





leaving beautiful footprints on our

hearts..







and we are never quite the same

because we have made a good

friend!!





Yesterday is history.

Tomorrow a mystery.

Today is a gift.

That's why it's called the present!





I think this is special...live and savor every moment... This is not

a

dress rehearsal!

A REAL FRIEND
19:43 Jul 20 2006
Times Read: 732

A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.

A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps

himself.



A simple friend has never seen you cry.

A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.



A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first

names.

A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.



A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your

party.

A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.



A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.

A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.



A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your

problems.

A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.



A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.

A real friend could blackmail you with it.



A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when

you have an argument.

A real friend calls you after you had a fight.



A simple friend expects you to always be there! for them.

A real friend expects to always be there for you!



Are you a simple friend or a real frien?

710
02:04 Jul 17 2006
Times Read: 737

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.



A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked,"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"



She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."



The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.



He then took her over to another car which had the hood up, and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"



She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."









The identy of the 710:

Can You Smell That?
01:59 Jul 17 2006
Times Read: 739

Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing . She was still groggy from surgery.



Her husband, David, held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news.

That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.







At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.



Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.

"I don't think she's going to make it," he said, as kindly as he could.



"There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one"



Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived.





She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.

"No! No!" was all Diana could say.



She and David, with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four.





Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away



But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana.



Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love.



All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.



There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.









But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there.



At last, when Dana turned two months old, her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time.





And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of norm al life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.

Five years later, when Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life.







She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story.



One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving, Texas, Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.

As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby when she suddenly fell silent. Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, "Do you smell that?"



Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, "Yes, it smells like rain."

Dana closed her eyes and again asked, "Do you smell that?"



Once again, her mother replied, "Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain."

Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,



"No, it smells like Him.



It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest."



Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.

Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along.



During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

Free sex with a fill up
01:52 Jul 17 2006
Times Read: 741

A gas station in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."



Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.



The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."



A week later, the same redneck, along with his buddy, Bubba,pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.



The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.



Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it! was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."



As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."



Bubba replied, No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week.

A New Mirror at WalMart
20:00 Jul 16 2006
Times Read: 747

Worst Belly-button tattoos
14:02 Jul 14 2006
Times Read: 754

A child's wisdom....priceless
13:28 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 761

I was testing the children





in my Sunday school class





to see if they understood the concept

of getting to heaven.





I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,





had a big garage sale





and gave all my money



to the church,



Would that get me into Heaven?"







"NO!" the children answered.





"If I cleaned the church every day,





mowed the yard,



and kept everything neat and tidy,

would that get me into Heaven?"







Again, the answer was, "NO!"



By now I was starting to smile.





Hey, this was fun!



"Well, then, if I was kind to animals





and gave candy





to all the children,







and loved my husband,





would that get me into Heaven?"





I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, "NO!"





I was just bursting with pride for them.

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"



A five-year-old boy shouted out,





"YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

Jesus and the mud puddle
13:23 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 762

Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday

> afternoon a few months ago.

>

> His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in

> Greentown with his dad.

>

> The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a

>woman

> lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate

>of about 50 mph.

>

> Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared

>the worst.

>

> When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital , he rushed through the emergency

>room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.

>

> "Mikey, what happened?" Sheriff Marr asked. Mikey replied, "Well,

>Papaw, I was fishin' with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a

>mud

> puddle, and broke my fishin' pole and I didn't get to catch no fish!"

>

> As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a

>few trees and an embankment and in the middle of a mud puddle. His only

>injuries were

>to his right femur bone which had broken in two places.

>

> Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is

>fine. Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was

>broken.

>

>The Sheriff went out to Wal-mart and bought him a new one while he

>was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.

>

> The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the

> hospital.

>

> Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he

>could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.

>

> When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-factly, said, "Papaw, did

>you know Jesus is real?

>

> Well," the Sheriff replied, a little startled. "Yes, Jesus is real to

> all who believe in him and love him in their hearts."

>

> "No," said Mikey. "I mean Jesus is REALLY real."

>

> "What do you mean?" asked the Sheriff.

>

> "I know he's real 'cause I saw him." said Mikey, still casting into

>the trash can. "You did?" said the Sheriff.

>

> "Yep ," said Mikey. "When that lady runned me over and broke my

>fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud

>puddle."

>

Subject: Marriage Counseling
13:19 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 763

The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

>

> The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a

> tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've

> been married. She goes on and on and on.

>

> Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the

> woman and kisses her passionately rips off her clothes and makes mad

> passionate love to her. Needless to say, the woman shuts up and sits

> quietly with a very satisfied daze.

>

> The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife

> needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

>

> The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can bring her here

> Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I play golf

>

Subject: : THE HOME
13:17 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 764




One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.

On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.



On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?

"Yes," he said, "They are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

The Cork
13:09 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 765

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.





If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"



I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."



"I do not understand," said the other.







The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."







I said, "No shit?"



God Bless America

HOME DEPOT SCAM
13:08 Jul 11 2006
Times Read: 766

HOME DEPOT SCAM



A "heads up" for you and any of your guy friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.



Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out

shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you.



Here's how the scam works:



Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.



They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is

impossible not to look.



When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot.

You agree and they get in the back seat.



On the way, they start having sex with each other.



Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.



I had my wallet stolen May 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 14th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.



Again - please beware!!

A True Redneck
23:28 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 768

>

> We have enjoyed the redneck jokes

for

>years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a

culture

>that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a

dozen

>terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so

rednecks to

>back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks

are

>made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on

to

>your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are...

>

> You might be a redneck if: It never

>occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God."

>

> You might be a redneck if: You've

never

>protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You still

say "

>Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival."

>

> You might be a redneck if: You bow

your

>head when someone prays.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You stand

and

>place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You treat

Viet

>Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You've

never

>burned an American flag.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You know

what

>you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is

listening.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You

respect

>your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

>

> You might be a redneck if: You'd give

your

>last dollar to a friend.

>

> If you are reading this, it is

>because I believe that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you

to

>have the same beliefs as those talked about in this entry.

Your Chuckles for today
23:19 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 770

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her

>

>> mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the

>> color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The

>> child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the

>> groom wearing black?"

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The

>> first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he

>

>> calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, "That's

>> nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls

>> it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both

>> beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a

>

>> sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested

>

>> no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial

>

>> service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I

>> don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you

>

>> had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took

>> Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't

>get a baby sitter."

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her

>> five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor

>> thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that

>> teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a

>> beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,

>> including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when

>> they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in

>

>> the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and

>> she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I

>> have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong

>> preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think

>> about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know

>how Santa Claus turned out.

>> It's probably just your Dad.

>> ~~~~~~~~~~

>>

>> You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because

>> you stop laughing!

GENDER
23:15 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 772

EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER



You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.





Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.



A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.



A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.



Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.



A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.



A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.



An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.



A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.



A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!

Out of Gas
23:14 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 773




Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.



Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station and filled it with gas.



As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them said to the other, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

The Value of Life
23:12 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 774

> >>To realize

> >>The value of a sister

> >>Ask someone

> >>Who doesn't have one.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of ten years:

> >>Ask a newly

> >>Divorced couple.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of four years:

> >>Ask a graduate.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one year:

> >>Ask a student who

> >>Has failed a final exam.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of nine months:

> >>Ask a mother who gave birth to a still born.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one month:

> >>Ask a mother who has

> >>Given birth to a premature baby.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one week:

> >>Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one hour:

> >>Ask the lovers who are waiting to Meet.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one minute:

> >>Ask a person

> >>Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one-second:

> >>Ask a person

> >>Who has survived an accident.

> >>

> >>To realize

> >>The value of one millisecond:

> >>Ask the person who has

> >>Won a silver medal in the Olympics.

> >>

> >>To realize the value of a friend:

> >>Lose one.

> >>

> >>Time waits For no one.

> >>Treasure every moment you have.

> >>You will treasure it even more when

> >>you can share it with someone special.

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET
23:03 Jul 10 2006
Times Read: 776

A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAYS HELLO.

>

> HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?" TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

>

> NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

>

> SHE SAID, "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

Subject:Cyanide
19:13 Jul 07 2006
Times Read: 781

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the

>> pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the

>> world do you need cyanide?"

>> The lady then explained she needed it to poison

>> her husband. The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, "Lord have

>> mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against

>> the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and

>> all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have

>> any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a

>> picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacists wife.

>>

>> The pharmacist looked at the picture and

>> replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

>>