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I'm sorry, but English men are scum. Such fucking scum. No wonder I married an American. Grab my ass, I will knock your teeth out. Say hey love, big tits, I will knock your teeth out. Say anything out of the fucking norm, & I will knock your teeth out. As your fat ass experienced tonight. I hope you have the money to replace it. Touch me when I dont want you to, you've never seen anyone like me go for your throat. I will tare it out. You are so lucky I was dragged off of you Mark. Ex or not. Touch me when I said back off...HEH, YOU SHOULD KNOW ME BETTER.

I'm such a hurtful, spiteful, nasty animal.



I dont remember the last time I had a panic attack like this.



I get two emotions. Pure despair & heartbreak, then a second later a wave of violent rage.



I thought I had this shit under control, I suffered with it badly as a teenager.



I cry myself to the point of hysteria, at this point Im biting my fingers to stop myself from pulling my hair out, or kicking the fuck out of the door, or anything for that matter.



Atleast I've learned a little restraint.



As a teen, Id kick the fuck out of anything in my path, I'd smash everything & anything. I'd fight with anyone who dared to say a word to me. & when Im like this, I'd murder anyone, the physical pain doesnt hurt me when Im like this. Infact, it feels good.



I've had fist fights with men 100lbs more than me.



Then I get breathing difficulties after a few hours of it, and keel over for another few hours trying to get myself in order, I've ended up in hospital for it a few times, many years ago.



You haven't seen a crazy woman until you've seen me in this state. I just cant control myself, & because I cant control myself, I get more upset because if Nicole is around, I get the heartbreak.



Like I said, I've learned restraint, I've been having this for the past 3 hours & Im bringing myself out of it, Im shaking with adrenaline. Im doing breathing techniques. I bit my knuckles a little, they bled. But I didnt do anything else.



I never cry, ever. I dont show much emotion, ever, either. I suppose I bottle it up & then it comes out & everyone around me thinks its the apocolypse.



It used to be once every month, now it's once every year. I dont do it often. But fuck, this feeling is heinous.



But I dealt with it. I over came it & I made good progress.



I dont write things like this in my journal usually. But from now on, I will. I just found out it helps me, to write how I feel when Im like this. I've finished now, & I've stopped shaking, my breathing has gone regular again & I feel...Ok. I feel calm.



I've never used this part of my journal properly, until now.