The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

If I listed all the shit I've been through these past 4/5 years, all the problems in the head, all the things that make me want to just.. die...

you wouldn't want to talk to me.

and don't romanticise that shit, because it makes me feel sick that such a thing is considered 'help'.



I'm not that optimistic little girl from before, so easily prey to the sick souls on this site...



She died the moment I returned home.

COMMENTS

-

---

BatsInTheBelphry
02:52 Apr 28 2017

people all have problems of some kind maybe not as extreme as others. I know I've had them thoughts a lot in my life time and quite a bit lately with my current situation. People have bad times hopefully there is always at least one that cares and does not give up on them.

---

POST COMMENT

Damn.. I've been writing in here a lot lately.

I hope that's not a bother to anybody or.. well, in retrospect I don't see why it would be a bother...



Anyway, I'm just writing this in request that both friends and family alike ignore any negative kismets or journal entries I post. I don't wish to cause concern when such a pleasant atmosphere is going on.



I'm just... going through the familliar motions of feeling upset and hopeless, so.. please, pay me no mind.

COMMENTS

-

---

DarkestTemptation
01:13 Apr 30 2017

Sounds like you need a good hard laugh an then a nice big hug an say there there it's going to be alright now.

---

POST COMMENT

With a job prospect in the future, my pessimistic mood is definitely picking up for a brighter outlook!



It's a simple cleaning job at a hotel, one town over I believe, but a job brings in money and as long as I can assist my family financially, I'm happy with whatever work I can obtain.

Thankfully, a friend of mine who already works there, is happy to pass on my CV to the manager and is offering transport to the place too, she's just waiting for me to open my own bank account - which makes getting paid easier.



Phew... here's hoping all goes well.

COMMENTS

-

---

jessilove
09:51 Apr 23 2017

Hope it went well.

---

POST COMMENT

Despite stating in my last Journal Entry that it was NOT a departure note, I have been inquired as to whether I was leaving.



I am NOT leaving the Rave.



Perhaps they were accepted as merely words, but I made a promise to my dearest Mother, BrokenCrown, that I would not leave.

That I would stay within her growing kingdom, within this beautifully growing family and remain.



And I never break my promises, for they are sacred to me.



Anyway, I simply wished to clear that up.

Have a nice day.

)O(

I have my doubts and my worries, expressed here in this journal entry at the early hour of 4AM, so they flood from my mind to this page, directly...



Despite the handful of friends I have found here upon returning...

The cherished family I have been blessed to gain and see expand through bonds of love and loyalty...

I feel... unnecessary.

Back then, those 4 years ago when I was a young girl upon this site, I felt needed as company. I would try my best at the time to go online at least once every day so I may talk to those who wanted my company...



Since then, I've evidently been left behind, though not forgotten.. similar to a corpse or.. an old, broken, dusty, little lace doll...



This is not a departure note, I promise...

This is just me expressing my uselessness upon this site.

And.. if it continues, I may leave after all - even if I don't want to.



But what am I in a society that has flourished beautifully, while I've been comatose in isolation from those I love... I can't deny that the few I once knew, I... struggle to feel completely comfortable around. I still love them as my precious family, but... everyone's changed, everyone's improved and adapted...

I'm old-fashioned and outdated.

So my activity may decline here.



I'll check in, but unless - by some miracle - I'm needed, I won't be around much.

There's still my email if any family wish to message me:

blackraventea@gmail.com

I wish I was more ambitious.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

I wish I could stay motivated for longer.

I wish I could overcome my social anxiety.

I wish I had focused on my studies more.

I wish I hadn't been so lazy.

I... wish I hadn't been so depreciating of my own abilities.



I wish a lot of things were different, honestly.

I suppose that can't be helped.

COMMENTS

-

---

RaynesAsylum
07:04 Apr 16 2017

You have time. You have loving family and friends that love and support you. Your ambitions will come. Take time for self discovery and follow your dreams. Motivation and drive may come and go...but it will always come back. Social Anxiety, it takes time but you can get through it. You can always go back to school...hell i went back to school when i was in my late 20's. So if i can do it so can you.

---

POST COMMENT

Song:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6eh39VWPIj4





[Verse 1]

I wanna be like you, I wanna say that I can

I wanna be the person that you think that I am

But even if I had it all come true like a dream

Is the person I came to be the really real me?



So young and simple, wishing like things would come true

Now as I am, I understand it’s best I die

and soon





[Chorus]

Just by living I’m hurting them another day

Hundreds cry, all I do is ruin everything

Nobody wanted me, no one there to need

If only I could live in that kind of world I dreamed



Just by leaving I’m helping them another day

Hundreds smile, all they do is laugh at everything

Nobody there to scream, no more being mean but see

Things like that would never happen for me





[Verse 2]

Day after day I found my way, sleepwalking through

Like this I’ll fade without a trace, it’s for the best I do





[Chorus]

Just by living I’m nothing for another day

Hundred lives, never knowing me or anything

Nobody wanted me, no one there to need

Why would I wanna live in the kind of world I see?



Just by leaving I’m no one for another day

Hundred lives, never changing them or anything

Nobody there to scream, no more being mean to me

Then could I have it all back in one piece?





[Bridge]

In the end, we’ll fall to the ground again

Over and over and never get up

In the end, the person they made in me

Breaking and breaking and never pick up

In the end, we’re leaving it all again

Over and over and never wake up





[Chorus]

Just by living I’m bringing you another day

Why, just for me, can you smile after everything?



In the end, the smile you give to me

Right when I wanted to give it all up

And I really do wish that I didn’t

And all of the moments I tried

Just to die said goodbye



Just by leaving I’m no one for another day

Hundred lives, never changing them or anything

Somebody here to scream, someone here is stopping me

Why can’t I laugh it off the way that I’d dreamed?



***



My apologies for the random lyric post, I just... well, the song reflects my current mind quite accurately, although I wish it weren't so.

Posting the song's lyrics help me put out feelings I otherwise find difficult to phrase...

Anyway, thank you for reading.

COMMENTS

-

---

icantbelieveitsnotbutter
16:41 Apr 12 2017

01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101 00100000 01101101 01111001 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01100100 00001010 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100101 01101101 01101001 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100001 01100100 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100110 01101100 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110111 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110011 01110000 01101001 01110100 01100001 01101100 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100100 00001010 00001010 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01100100 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101001 01110000 00100000 01110011 01101001 01101110 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100101 01100001 00001010 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01110010 01110010 01111001 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101110 01101111 00100000 01110011 01111001 01101101 01110000 01100001 01110100 01101000 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101111 01110010 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00001010 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101110 01110100 01100001 01110011 01111001 00001010 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 00100000 01100001 01110111 01100001 01111001 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101101 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110011 01101001 01100111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 01110000 01100001 01110100 01101000 01111001 00001010 01000110 01101001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01101100 01111001 01110010 01101001 01100011 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 00111011 00100000 01001101 01101111 01101010 01101001 01101101 00101110 01100011 01101111 01101101 00001010 00001010 01100001 01101000 00101100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110011 01110100 01101001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101111 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100010 01100001 01100011 01101011 00111111 00001010 01100001 01101000 00101100 00100000 01110111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100110 00001010 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101111 01100100 00001010 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101011 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100101 01111001 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101111 01110000 01100101 01101110 00100000 00101000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101011 01100101 01100101 01110000 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110000 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110011 01101001 01100100 01100101 00101001 00001010 01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110010 01110101 01101100 01100101 01110011 00001010 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100111 01110101 01100101 01110011 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101000 01111001 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101110 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100110 01110010 01101111 01101110 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101

---

POST COMMENT

𝓣𝒆𝔁𝓽 𝓣𝒆𝓼𝓽

𝒯𝑒𝓍𝓉 𝒯𝑒𝓈𝓉

𝚃𝚎𝚡𝚝 𝚃𝚎𝚜𝚝

Tᴇxᴛ Tᴇsᴛ



Here's hoping it comes across unhindered.

COMMENTS

-

---

PorcelainLavender
14:02 Apr 08 2017

Heheh, success~ 🎵

---

POST COMMENT

Sometimes I just need time alone.. or I need time to collect the mess that is my head from all the pressure, expectations and standards...



I haven't reached that state of not giving a fuck about people's judgement yet...



I still get scared to leave the house if my hair isn't 'decent' or if I have blemishes on my skin, even when they're hardly visible..



Some of my friends offline don't get that walking into town or somewhere far from my house makes it hard to breathe, hard to think and makes me want to cry.. they throw tantrums when I cancel plans because it's one of those days where I can't pretend to be happy...



One of those days... where I feel nothing but sorrowful numbness...

COMMENTS

-

---

BrokenCrown
23:14 Apr 05 2017

*Holds your hand and smiles warmly*



You remind me of myself when I was younger. Rise, you're mind is as sharp as an edged diamond... your wit is, miraculous.

We all bleed blood, we all cry tears. Beauty is an optical illusion, sadly... presentation matters but is NOT everything. Learn to merge your inside with your outside, learn to turn your heart off when you need to... But do not block yourself from loving those that show you kindness and love you back.

You must die many times and resuscitate in order to find yourself.

My Graceful Little Phoenix.



An ocean away, but you are always under my loving watchful eyes.



-Mother At Soul, Mother At Heart-



The Queen

---

POST COMMENT

For some, it is no secret that - before my return upon this account - I had vanished from the Rave for a small handful of years.

I know not what became of my old account, but that matters not.

I returned in hopes of reforging old loyalties and finding the cherished souls I still consider family - I was lucky enough to brush away the rust of time and find what was lost.

I do not wish to lose what I had been blessed to find.. so I am putting my email in here for those who wish to have a secure contact outside of VR.



blacktearaven@gmail.com



However, you MUST message me on the Rave first so I know who is interested and who I actually know. This email is for close friends and family ONLY.

If I receive an email that I have not been informed about or I did not permit, then it shall be ignored & deleted.

That is all and I hope you have a nice day.

Blessed be.